No, seriously, can
the Christian God get an erection? This is an important
question. Why? Well, it will point us towards something
of the true nature of the Christian God, if it exists,
and maybe point us towards the way that Christians
comprehend their non-existent Supreme Being.
So, let's suspend
our disbelief for a moment and have a quick ponder.
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I have a penis, my
next door neighbour and his son both have a penis (one
each), and there's an almost 50/50 chance that you have a
penis. And I'm sure that the strange looking woman I saw
in the Little Chef on the A47 last week has some sort of
a penis as well. We know from reading the Christian Bible
that man is made in the image of God or Gods (Genesis 1:26),
so it is quite evident that God does indeed have His own
one-holed pink piccolo. If God is truly omnipresent (everywhere)
then his Old Man - even in it's very limpest, most
flaccid state - must be absolutely HUGE. It cannot be
anything less than the most magnificent schlong in the
whole universe. It is a third leg above all other third
legs, probably the size of several dozen super-clusters
of galaxies. Forget about all the other God's that are
depicted with willeys (erect or otherwise), the Christian
God's one-eyed trouser-snake really does make every one
else's look depressingly microscopic. Goodness knows, his
testicles alone must measure tens of thousands of light-years
in diameter. Heck, one of His wrinkly, scrotal prune-skin
crevices alone could quite easily swallow up several
hundred solar systems! But for all the men out there who
may be reading this, try not to get too depressed - God's
post-elephantine todger is not made of any real substance,
it can only be made of 'spirit' or some other such non-existent
paranormal material. The same immeasurable stuff that God
Himself is made of.
I think that we
can safely assume that God does not have a foreskin,
because that would be a tad hypocritical of him wouldn't
it? But who or what performed the surgery for His
circumcision? Perhaps God just told His mammoth foreskin
to disappear, and poof! off it went. We don't know, but
we can say that if a knife was used it must have been
terribly sharp. And big. Sharp enough to incise the
unwanted dangly bit of the ultimate perfect being, and
big enough to span the vast astronomical distances of the
Godly prepuce.
But getting back
to the original question, can God get an erection? Can He
pump up His volume? Can the Master of the Universe drag
weed? Well, I don't think that He can, and I have several
reasons as to why. Firstly, a penile erection is
indicative of sexual excitement, and unless there is a
Mrs. God in Heaven, Mr. God would not get aroused for the
reason of opposite gender, marital rumpy-pumpy. Nowhere
in the Bible does it say there is a companion Goddess.
And next, as every man knows, John Thomas sometimes has a
mind of his own, he stands to parade ground attention for
no apparent reason at the most inconvenient of times,
usually on an over-crowded tube train whilst wedged tight
between a geriatric nun from Cardiff and a small group of
Japanese tourist businessmen. But if God is the perfect
being we are told of by the Christian clergy, this
situation would not, could not happen to Him.
Young men
understand the value of a secluded solo stiffy, but I
think that we can easily dispose of the theory that God
enjoys a "swift one off the wrist", for one
thing He's far too old to still be indulging in a quick
hand shandy. I doubt if there is one Christian on the
planet who would assert that God indulges in the
occasional bout of solo sexual action. Self-gratification
in the company of Mrs. Palm and her five lovely daughters
could not possibly enter God's pure mind. Anyway, where
would He go to be alone? What would He use for visual
stimulation? And as for the results of such a colossal
Godly five-finger-shuffle, well it hardly bears thinking
about, as would the cost of an almost infinite number of
galaxy-sized sheets of bathroom tissue - over an almost
infinite period of time.
Ask several men if
they have ever had a wet dream, some will say yes, and
some will say no. The ones that say no are lying.
Nocturnal emissions are a normal (and thankfully
infrequent) part of the human male's unconscious bedtime
life. But God, if he is aware of everyone and everything
all the time does not go to sleep, so we can safely
discount the overnight Divine astronomical tent pole. And
the enormous wet patch that would seep outside the edge
of the known universe, extinguishing several important
proto-stars on it's inexorable glutinous journey.
Is there any
Viagra in Heaven? We will never know. But since God would
not need any in the first place, the point is moot.
A dysfunctional,
permanently erect flesh-flute would not be possible for a
perfect God. That is a rare, debilitating human condition.
There is no reason
to believe that God would use his monster sausage to
expel fluid waste. He could not avail Himself of a wee-wee.
How could God be perfect if He was capable of ejecting
unwanted bodily fluids? He could not be capable of
harbouring something that was not needed. Again, it would
be an imperfection.
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SET DISBELIEF/STATE=ON [RET]
I have thought of
some other reasons why the pretend Christian God would be
unable to engender a massive portion of erectile tissue,
but these are minor arguments. And I have already
forgotten them anyway.
So there we have
it, the imaginary Christian God can not get an erection.
His pork sword would have to be permanently limp. It is a
humongous, useless appendage. But why should this be
important? Well, the next time you are arguing against
the existence of God with a Christian, just ask him or
her if there is anything that their perfect god can not
do. They always say no, because they cannot say otherwise
if they believe in a perfect God. This time, instead of
hitting them with the 'squaring the circle', 'creating a
rock too heavy to lift' and 'iron chariot' arguments, go
to it with the "Supreme Stiffy Is Not Possible
Argument", courtesy of Martin J Burn - The English
Atheist.
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