The Congregational Record

(Or: LARDASS - The Large Amphibious Rodent Deity Appreciation Society Seminar)

Can you feel the swelling in your heart? Do you have a warm and fuzzy feeling inside? Did you hear a strange voice? Was your life changed forever? Been having peculiar visions? Does your soul feel funny? Well, you have probably eaten some dickie left-over curry. An extra minute in the microwave wouldn't have hurt would it? Still, that's not what this page is about. If you are a digital camera toting devotee of the one and only Hubert the Invisible Beaver Deity, you too can proclaim yourself loud and proud on this very website. All it takes is an email with the requisite photographic attachment - and a humongous bribe.

 

Guess what my hands are doing!

Disciple No. 1

Hank 'Mutton Dagger' Magma, from Contraception City, West Virginia is a recent convert. He is a retired County Spleen Examiner who enjoys facing West, and counting fridge magnets. Hank is a TAURUS. Hank has constructed his own macrame and crystal shrine to Hubert, where he, his wife, eleven children and two pet wombats, Dave and Vanessa, worship twice daily. In his initial email to The English Atheist, Hank wrote: "Until. I. Found. Hubert. I. Did. Not. Have. A. Bloody. Clue." His very own website can be found here.

Everyone at The English Atheist welcomes Hank and his family to LARDASS.

One of Hank's nine daughters dons her 'Purple Cassock of Hubert' prior to her twice-daily devotions.

Disciple No. 2

Gavin 'Mad Dog 20-20' Spoonbender is from the village of Stockport, which is a remote suburb of Liverpool , England. As an international putty sales executive Gavin travels the world ensuring the world's windows are "firmly fixed". Gavin enjoys pole vaulting, stripey leg-warmers, and counting fridge magnets. He is a LEO which he says: "...probably explains my GCSE's in media studies, woodwork, pottery and goat husbandry - and my profound faith in Hubert the Invisible Beaver". Gavin has been known to quaff a pint or two of ale: "...but only the proper beers from down south, you can stuff the nancy-boy northern beers where a monkey stuffs it nuts!". He has a website devoted to the pleasures of motoring, which can be found here.

We would like to extend a hearty LARDASS welcome to Gavin and his small herd of goats. Gavin wears size 11 wellington boots.

 

Sister Susan of the Purple Beaver

Disciple No. 3

Sister Susan of the Purple Beaver is from Norfolk, England, and used to be a 'Bride of Christ' at St Camilla of Oursouls convent and orphange in the village of Norwich. Sister Susan happened upon His Holiness Hubert by accident and converted immediately when she saw his magnificent size, she now proudly proclaims herself as a bride of the 'one, true, dancing beaver deity'. When not engaged in her daily devotions Sister Susan enjoys juggling chainsaws, and counting fridge magnets whilst facing west. Her star sign is PLATYPUS. When asked if she regretted leaving the orphanage Susan said: "I have no qualms about leaving leaving the children at the orphanage - they will be in the excellent care of the the retired priests who already help to look after the little lambs anyway. Oursouls will be in very caring hands. Please excuse me, I'm off to incant a few dozen 'Hail Huberts'. Praise be to Hubert!"

Sister Susan also mentioned "What Our Lord Hubert's English Atheist website of Holy pilgrimage really needs is an automatic online Atheists only UK Dating Agency. Hell, I'd join!"

LARDASS welcomes Sister Susan. Her devotion to Hubert is an inspiration to all.

Disciple No. 4

LARDASS welcomes disciple number 4! Brenda Obilinskivinski is a Chief Librarian from Warsaw in Russia. She enjoys sewing teddy bear shaped hot water bottle covers, cataloguing fridge magnets and writing lists of people who like to face West. What a coincidence! When Brenda was doing the research for her PhD she discovered the ancient tomes pictured above. She says, "This proves the true divinity of Hubert. How could anyone on this planet be a non-believer in Him with evidence like this? And He dances as well - what a bonus!" Brenda celebrated her 30th birthday in August, which makes her a LEO. "Hubert's Holy Bible makes the Christian Bible look as though it was written by an ignorant bunch of Middle Eastern bronze-age nomadic goat farmers" said Brenda, when the other members of LARDASS went out for a drink with her last week. Brenda enjoys the occasional pint of strong southern beer, but "not the astonishing monkey wee that they have up North."

Novice Sister Lara

 Disciple No. 5

Pictured above is His Holiness Hubert's self-proclaimed "Greatest Disciple". Novice Sister Lara (ARIES) formerly of the Holy Trailer Park of Christ the Magnificent in Plunger City, Alabama saw the Bouncing Beaver Bishops® and was immediately, irrevocably smitten. "It was love at first site", said Sister Lara, "oh, I laughed like a drain! To show my devotion I have constructed my very own Tribute Web Site to The English Atheist. Unfortunately, due to my inexperience with, well anything really, it did not come out quite the way I planned. The medicine I have to take for my Peyronie's disease makes me look far older than I am, and makes me think strange."

Novice Sister Lara's Trailer Park of Christ the Magnificent

Please click here for a rip-roaring visit to Novice Sister Lara's Tribute Web Site to The English Atheist.

Novice sister Crystal

Disciple No.6

Crystal "Bootplunger" Dangleberry is from the sleepy backwater town of Methane, Florida, in the US of A. She will shortly be going to enrol as a novice nun at the recently founded Convent of the Purple Beaver in Toothpaste, West Virginia. Her faith in Hubert is so magnificently pure that real, live, multiple minature manifestations of Him can be seen fluttering around her head! The photograph (above) that she recently sent to LARDASS via the power of prayer and an e-mail is conclusive proof of her devotion - and the existence of Hubert himself. "I used to be a devout Catholic, but the dragon in my garage disappeared, so when I found Hubert I knew that my life would be changed forever." - said novice nun Crystal to "The English Atheist". Crystal's hobbies are surfing (in a Westerly direction), munching on gargantuan bags of BBQ Fritos, flatulence, and juggling small lumps of putty. She is a LIBRA, and owns thirteen mobile phones, "one for each sign of the Zodiac."

The convent of the Purple Beaver, Toothpaste, West Virginia.

 

Disciples 7 & 8

Good News! Via the power of prayer and an e-mail message, Our Lord Hubert has officially sanctioned the T-shirts being modeled above as the replacement Nuns habits! Our female brethren at the Convent of the Purple Beaver, Toothpaste, West Virginia are no longer required to wear their purple cassocks, wimples or boring old habits - this is in line with Hubert's divine doctrine of keeping our church firmly in the 21st century. Twin sisters, Sister Barbie (pictured left) and Sister Britney (right) are seen proudly wearing their new habits especially emblazoned with the 'Holy Fluttering Hubert' logo. "The old habits sucked!" said Barbie, whilst Britney was only moved to say "Duh!".

Barbie and Britney joined the convent last year after realizing that prayers to Our Lord Hubert actually work, unlike the ineffectual prayers of every other religion on the planet. "Only yesterday we prayed for a great-big Jacuzzi and WHOOOOSH! one appeared in the en suite", said Barbie. Britney explained, "Yes, we pray for all sorts of stuff, tomorrow I will be praying for a new Porsche and maybe one for Barbie too. I want a red one, and just to be different, I'm going to pray that the engine is in the front. Wheeeeeeee! Brmmm, brmmm". "Hey! I want one of those cool English Ford Ka's - just like the English Atheist drives, not a crumbly old Porshe. I'll pray for it myself too, and it better be in bright red. Just like his!", said Barbie.

Barbie and Britney are from Spoon City, Utah. Both are accomplished musicians and sing in the convent choir - the 'Purple Beaver Warblers'. Barbie is a soprano, and Britney is a basso profundo. Both play in the convent rugby team - they had heard that rugby was a "game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls" and were immediately attracted to it, but they kept on in the sport even though all the local convent league teams only have a female contingent. Barbie is a PISCES and Britney is an AQUARIUS.

LARDASS II

Click the graphic above to find out about David Mills' new book - 'Science Shams and Bible Bloopers' - then buy it!

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© Copyright 2001 Martin J Burn - The English Atheist

This page is a component part of The English Atheist .

This page is dedicated to Katy Sagal's legs.