KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

- "Where did you find him?" asks the publican.

- "Well, I was beachcombing the other day when I came upon a rusty old fashioned lamp. I rubbed at it to try to clear off some of the barnacles and weed, and a genie leapt out and offered me any wish I cared to name".

- "I'd love to have a go at that" says the publican, "can you give me directions so that I can find the rusty lamp?"

- "Sure".

A week later, the man with the box under his arm returns to the pub, pushes open the door and is astonished when he sees the change the pub has undergone in the space of one short week. Everywhere he looks, there are thousands of ducks - some in china, some papier mache, some wood some metal, in all kinds of colours, shapes and designs.

- "Well, the pub looks fantastic" he says to the publican, "but tell me, did you go down to the beach and find that rusty lamp."

- "I certainly did" replies the publican, "Your directions were very clear. I found the lamp, rubbed it, and - just as you described, out leapt the genie. One thing, though - I think he's a little hard of hearing, because I didn't ask him for masses of fantastic ducks"

- "I know what you mean. I didn't ask him for a 12-inch pianist either".

"What condition does he have?" asks the student.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doen't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll go into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fxxxin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh (grimaces), you're gonna hate Fridays.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

So the pig walked up to the piano, pulled out the stool, cracked his trotters and started to play beautifully. The landlord was amazed and immediately offered to buy the pig. But the owner said 'Sorry, that pig is a close personal friend of mine and I can't possibly sell him.'~

Anyway, the pig became a regular and started pulling the crowds into the pub. The landlord became rich, and was eventually able to offer 1/2 million pounds for the pig. Eventually, the sale was agreed.~

Two years later, the same bloke came back with a dog. Gone was the old pub, it had been replaced by a huge nightclub called 'The Playing Pig,' with the pig on stage in the centre. So the guy walked in and ordered two pints, one for himself and one for the dog. The landlord was about to refuse when he recognised the guy. 'So,' he said, 'What's special about the dog?'~

'Well, this dog can sing.'~

'He can sing! Well get him up on stage with the pig, lets hear him!'~

So the dog went up on stage and started singing along to the pig's piano playing. This was repeated every night for a couple of months, every night the landlord offering to buy the dog and getting the same reply: 'Sorry, the dog's a close personal friend of mine and he's not for sale.'~

One night, the landlord said 'Look, I've got to have that dog. Here's a million pounds, the keys to my private yacht and the deeds to a villa in Spain. Take them, in exchange for the dog.' So the deal was struck.~

Six months later, the same guy's back again. The landlord's obviously pleased to see him. 'So, what have you got for me this time?' The man deposited a set of keys and the deeds to the villa on the bar and handed over a cheque for 1 million pounds. 'Look,' he said, 'I have a confession to make. I've been living with the guilt for six months. I can't keep your money, or your yacht, or your villa.'~

'What's the matter?' asked the landlord. 'What's the confession?'~

The man looked at the landlord and said:~
'The dog can't sing, the pig's a ventriloquist.'~

A few minutes later, another guy walks in with a chihuahua. The first guy leans over and whispers that he better get his dog out of the bar before he gets thrown out. And the second guy says, Yeh? Well how come they're letting you stay here with your dog? And the first gut tells him its because he said it was his seeing-eye dog. Just then the bartender comes over and asks the second guy to leave with his dog, whereupon the guy says, I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog. And the bartender says, You've got a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog!? And the man replied, They gave me a chihuahua?