|
11. Three women
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well the answer is four" said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
12. Four engineers
There are four engineers travelling in a car: a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer.
The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer.
"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be an grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the software engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?"
"Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"--
13. lightbulb jokes
How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but it takes forty-nine visits!
***
How many Microsoft technicians are needed to change a lightbulb ?
None. They wait few weeks, and because nothing happens they declare
darkness a new standard... :)
14. Three guys
Three guys stumbling across a desert come to the lip of a canyon, where they spot a lamp half buried in the sand.
The first guy picked it up, rubbed it, and a genie popped out in a cloud of smoke, telling him that if he jumped off the cliff and shouted out anything, the canyon would be filled with it.
The guy jumped, shouting, "Gold!"
And gold there was.
The second guy jumped, shouting, "Diamonds!"
And diamonds there were.
Third guy, who's terrified of heights, jumps, looks down, and hollers, "Aw, shit!"
15. YO MAMMA....
==> SO FAT,
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
Yo momma so fat she was in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world
Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo momma so fat I had to take a train to get on her good side!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo momma so fat that her senior picture had to be arial view!
Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car!
Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep.
Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up.
Yo momma so fat she influences the tides.
Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her
Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo momma so fat that she can't tie her own shoes.
Yo momma so fat she sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....
Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship
Yo momma so fat to her "light food" means under 4 Tons
Yo momma so fat The Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her
Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with snadals!!!
Yo momma so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get off!!!
Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!!!
Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development
==> SO STUPID,
Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo momma so stupid it took her half an hour to make minute rice
Yo momma so stupid she threw a brick at the floor and missed
Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.
Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"
Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 6 train, she took the 3 twice.
Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Yo momma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book
Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus
Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg
Yo momma so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper
Yo momma so stupid She went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so she went home.
Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said Levi's
Yo momma so stupid she called information to get the number for 411 ...
==> SO UGLY,
Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . . .for a quote!
Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo momma so ugly Ted Danson wouldn't date her!
Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow
Yo momma so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water
==> SO OLD,
Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
Yo momma so old her social security number is 1!
Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
==> SO POOR,
Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers
Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yo momma so poor she wave around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning
Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money
==> SO DARK,
Yo momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!
Yo momma so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
Yo momma so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep her from eating her fingers.
Yo momma so dark they made a movie of her heart transplant called "From the darkest heart of Africa"
==> SO SHORT,
Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!
Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb.
Yo momma so short she does backflips under the bed.
Yo momma so short she models for trophys.
Yo momma so short she pole vaults with a toothpick
Yo momma so short she has to look down to look up
==> SO NASTY,
Yo momma so nasty she made Speed Stick slow down.
Yo momma so nasty she made Right Guard turn left.
Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave
Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.
Yo momma so nasty she made Sure confused.
Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off
Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the dead sea
Yo momma so nasty she joined the four horseman: war, death, famine, disease and Yo momma
==> SO HAIRY,
Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.
Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
Yo momma so hairy she shaves with a weedwhacker
==> SO SLUTTY,
Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt!
==> SO GREASY,
Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco!
==> TEETH SO YELLOW,
Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo momma teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
Yo momma teeth are so yellow I can't believe its not butter
==> SO LAZY,
Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
==> SO SKINNY,
Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.
==> SO BALD,
Yo momma so bald you can see what's on her mind
Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.
==> GLASSES SO THICK,
Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.
Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
==> HAS,
Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle.
Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper.
Yo momma has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back.
Yo momma has green hair and thinks she's a tree.
Yo momma has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.
Yo momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.
Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it.
Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles.
Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaude.
Yo momma has no ears.... I seen her trying on sunglasses...
==> HOUSE SO SMALL,
Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
==> HOUSE SO DIRTY,
Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.
==> HEAD SO SMALL,
Yo momma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
Yo momma head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.
==> MISC,
Yo momma breath so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.
Yo momma lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.
Yo momma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.
Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.
Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
Yo momma twice the man you are.
Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9.
Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
Yo momma middle name is Rambo.
Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna push me 'round no more."
Yo momma so grouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.
Yo momma is in a wheelchair screaming "I AIN'T STANDING FOR THIS"
Yo momma threw a frizbee three weeks ago that hasn't landed yet.
16. Cowboy joke
A cowboy rides into town, hitches up his horse and walks into a saloon. He goes up, gets a beer, drinks it and walks out. A couple of seconds later he bursts back into the bar and says "All right which one of you assholes painted my horse's face yellow?"
A huge mountain of a man stands up, looks down on the cowboy and says "I did"
The cowboy looks up at this hulk standing before him and whispers "The first coat's dry".
17. Bottomless
Two guys were walking in the woods and came across a big hole. They wondered how deep it was so decided to drop in a pebble and listen for it to hit bottom. They dropped in a pebble and nothing happened. No noise. They dropped in a boulder and there was still no noise. They decided to scout around for something really big to drop in the hole and came across a railroad tie. They pushed and pulled it over to the hole and dropped it in. Still no noise.
Suddenly a goat ran out of the woods and jumped into the hole. When a farmer came by a little later and asked if anyone had seen his goat, they said they had seen a goat run out of the woods and jump into the hole. The farmer said, "It couldn't have been my goat. He was tied to a railroad tie!"
18. Ways to answer the phone -- Telemarketers
<RRRrrrrinnggg!>
"Hello?"
"Hello! Mr. Michaels?"
"Speaking."
"How are you today?"
"OK so far..."
"My name is Debbie from Pointless Industries, and I'm calling to offer
you a fabulous new offer that we are offering...."
"Who is this really?"
"My name is Debbie from---"
"How did you get this number?"
"Well.. you are on our list of preferred---"
<urgent whisper> "Listen to me, and listen good! You tell Lupo and his goons I lived up to my end of the deal! I cut up the bodies like he said, I ditched the car like he said, now I'm out of it, understand? You tell him he bothers me or my family again and I take everything I know to the Man, and don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about!"
<hang up>
19. Thinking along // lines
There was this businessman who spent three days negotiating a tough deal with a Japanese businessman. The third day, things were going well, and he said, "well, I think that at last we're thinking along parallel lines."
The next day the Japanese businessman didn't show up. He checked the hotel and discovered that the businessman had checked out! So he rushed to the airport and found the Japanese businessman in the departure waiting room.
He said, "Why are you leaving? It took three days, but we're finally thinking along parallel lines!"
And the Japanese businessman nodded, and said, "Yes, yes. I scrutinize my dictionary. Parallel lines will never meet. So I go home."
20. "Wendy" tattoo joke
A man falls in love with a woman named Wendy, and is so much in love with her he tattoos her name on his penis. The tattoo looks great; the problem is, when his member is flaccid, only the letters "Wy" show.
On the night they first make love, he shows her the tattoo. She's delighted. He asks her to marry him, and she accepts.
Honeymooning in Jamaica, the happy couple are eating a romantic dinner in a fancy restaurant. The man gets up to use the men's room, and is admiring the "Wy" on his penis that made it all possible. Just then, a huge Jamaican guy steps into the stall next to him, pulls out his manhood, and the man notices out of the corner of his eye that it also has "Wy" tattooed to it.
"Um, excuse me," the man says, "but that doesn't say 'Wendy' by any chance, does it?"
"No, mon," the Jamaican answers, "it says 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon. Don't worry, be happy'."
|
|
