KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Clerk: Hello, networks are us.

Man: Help, I need the SNMP management code for an American Standard!

Clerk: American Standard what? Router, bridge, brouter, lan?

Man: Look, I need to shut down my toilet! It's leaking all over the place and I need the computer code to tell my house to stop it!

Clerk: Why don't you just turn the water off?

Man: I'm in Los Angeles, my house is in Phoenix! My house sent me a page telling me to read my E-Mail. The E-Mail message said there's water on the bathroom floor. I pinged the sink and the tub, and both of them say they are off, but when I tried to telnet to the toilet, it said all connections were in use!

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

The doctors approached the man and mentioned their findings. They suggested that he go in the room and perform oral sex with her. This, they said, may wake her up.

When the day came, the doctors left the man alone with his wife for privacy. They just monitored her vital signs from another room. When the man began, they noticed her heartbeat and blood pressure increase - a good sign. Her brain waves were picking up and everything was going great when suddenly, everything went blank. She was dead.

They asked the man what happened and he replied,

"I think she choked to death."

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten tomatoes ?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bar tender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. That's incredible, says the bartender... I would never believe it! Yeah, said the guy, I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room. The bar tender directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood,the bar tender goes into the men's room. There is the guy... he is spread-eagle on the wall... his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god, said the bar tender Did they rob you? How much did they get?"

The guy turns and says: No, no,... I'm just waiting for a fax!

A hunter, out in the woods, spots this huge grizzly. Taking careful aim with his rifle, he fires. After the smoke clears, the man rushes to the spot only to find the grizzly gone. Feeling a tap on his shoulder, the hunter turns and finds himself face to face with the grizzly, who says, "You have 2 choices, either I rip you limb from limb or you can drop your pants and let me assfuck you." The man not wanting to die drops his pants.

The hunter now in immense pain drags himself back to town where he purchases a rocket launcher. Going out into the woods and seeing the bear, he fires. There is a HUGE explosion and shrapnel flies everywhere. When the commotion dies down, the grizzly's body is not to be found. Feeling a tap on his shoulder he turns to see the bear, who says, "you're not in this for the hunting are you?"

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story ...

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story ... Suzy replies, "don't keep all your eggs in one basket"

Next is little Lucy ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory" ... "he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands" Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story ... Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking.

A painter was asked to paint a picture portraying General Custer's last thought.

The painter painted a beautiful lake. Jumping out of the lake was a mackerel with a halo around his head. On the lake's shore were a bunch of indians. They were all having sex. The painter showed his masterpiece to his boss. His boss replyed, "That is a very good painting, but is that what you feel Custer's last thoughts were?" The painter said, "Yeah.

Custer thought - Holy Mackerel, look at all those fucking indians!"

The pet shop owner had difficulty selling a parrot. Each time a customer got interested the parrot would say "Piss off, fuck face". Finally the shopkeeper decided that if it could talk so well it could be educated to say phrases other than swearing. He tied a string to each leg of the parrot, repeated a phrase constantly and tugged the string at the same time.

After six months the parrot was for sale again and a customer noticed the strings attached to the parrots legs. "Try pulling the one on the left leg," said the shopkeeper to the interested customer. He did and the bird responded with: Hello, have a nice day." The customer pulled the string on the other leg and got another pleasant response: "Hello mate, what's new?"

The customer was impressed. "What happens it I pull both strings together?" The parrot responded:"I'd fall of the fuckin' perch ya stupid bastard."