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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands
| 71. Diesel Fitter Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemplyoment office. Asked his occupation,the first guy said, "Panty sticher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up pantysticher. Finding it classed as unskilled labour, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter, " he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job, the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week. When the first guy found out, he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained: Panty stichers were unskilled and diesel fitters skilled labour. "What skill?" yelled the panty sticher. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and say, 'yep, diesel fitter'. " 72. Whose Job Is It? This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done. 73. THE HISTORY OF THE BBS USER A Musical Drama in -V- parts
Dear SysOp: I am a new uzer. I am ate yearz old and I have just gotten my first modem. I like to download lotsa files as long as you don't hafta upload in return. Pleez give me access on your bord. Joe Blow. Dear Joe: I have given you minimal access in the kiddie file and message areas. We suggest that you learn to spell and learn your proper place in this community before attempting higher levels of access. SysOp Dear SysOp: I kant figure out how to D/L [note user's discovery of BBS abbreviations]. I have tried to use XModem with no sucsess, and then I tried ZModem and everything went kablooie. Please help me so that I can download your good filez. Joe Blow. Dear Joe: You're an idiot, but we like you. We think you have potential. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to teach you how to use the file section, but you're going to learn to use it by UPLOADING [imagine teary-eyed face cringed with fear at this prospect]. Next time you log on, page me to chat and I'll show you how to upload a file. The SysOp Dear SysOp: Okay. Joe Blow [ Transcript of first chat with SysOp follows ] Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: P Paging your SysOp! . . . . . . . The SysOp is here! Hello, Joe! NO CARRIER [ Joe hangs up, torn with fear ] [ Transcript of second chat with SysOp follows ] Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: P Paging your SysOp! . . . . . . . The SysOp is here! Hello, Joe! [ Long pause ] Heelo. Do you want me to show you how to upload, now? [ Another pause ] Yes. Okay...I'll walk you through it. Exiting chat ... Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: F Select [U, D, C, L, F, S]: C Change to which area? 1 Changing to upload area (1). Select [U, D, C, L, F, S]: U Select a protocol
{X} XModem The SysOp is here! Okay, Joe. Tell your program you want to upload by pressing PgUp when you want to start the transfer. Exiting chat ... Select [X, Y, Z]: X Enter filename to upload: APROGRAM.ZIP Begin your upload procedure... 1 file(s) transfered successfully! The SysOp is here! See, that wasn't so hard, was it? Nnno. Well, to download, you do the same thing in reverse. Okay! Cool! By the way, what was it you uploaded, anyway? I don't know...I got it from one of my friends. It's something called a virus. NO CARRIER Dear Joe: I looked at the program you uploaded. If you ever upload a virus again, I'll kill you slowly, and your little dog too. You have a lot to learn, kid. The mildly pissed SysOp Dear SysOp: I uploaded those files you asked me for. My upload ratio is now better than my download ratio. Can you pleez let me in on some of the better file areas? Joe Dear Joe: Okay. I think you deserve it. I'm going to let you into some of the other file areas. By the way, don't upload anything that has the words "cracked by" on it anymore. I could get in big trouble. By the way, a protocol is a way to transfer files, not a matter of etiquette. The SysOp Dear SysOp: Okay. I just thought you might like that game. Something about those Amazon Women just appeeled to me. Joe Dear Joe: You skip school to call here, don't you? Can't you call somewhere else for a change? The SysOp Dear SysOp: You mean there are other BBSes out there? Why didn't you tell me about them before? Joe Blow Dear Joe: You never were this annoying before. Try the "Weirdo's Hideaway", 555-6543. The SysOp [ Eventually, he decides to call back and batch upload all the warez ] [ That he collected on his leech festivals ] Dear SysOp: I learned how to phreak last week! It's a lot of phun and you don't have to pay when you download philes [ it is obvious that the kid has been calling California boards, where they spell all "f" sounds with "ph"]. Among the warez I'm uploading to you is a program called Code Thief. It will help you phreak too! Joe Dear Joe: Phreaking is a bad business. Don't you think they can figure out where those calls you are making are coming from? They can. I suggest you stop before you get yourself and your parents in trouble. Your SysOp Dear SysOp: What's wrong with phreaking? It's not like it's illegal or anything. Joe. Dear Joe: You're so full of shit, you stink. Your SysOp Dear SysOp: One of my friends that I met on a board in California [ see! we told you ] had something happen to him called "getting busted." What does that mean? Joe Dear Joe: It means that he was arrested. Probably for phreaking. He'll probably tell the feds that you phreak too in order to get a lighter sentence. You're f*cked, kid. In fact, I'll probably delete you from here in case the feds start sniffing around. The SysOp. [ When the kid logs on next, he sees the following message ] Two four six eight, who do we appreciate? NOT YOU, NOT YOU, YEAH! Your access has been lowered to sub absolute zero. You are nothing. You can do nothing. Don't ever call here again or we'll shoot you with lime jello and throw you in a bathtub with Roseanne Barr. NO CARRIER Just kidding. NO CARRIER {click!} [ By assumed name, I mean that the SysOp can do nothing but assume ] [ that it's the little leech. ] Dear SysOp: I am a new user and would like lots of access so I can upload and download. I don't use message bases because I think they're stupid. Joe Blow
[ vain to use the message editor so he can remove his name and put ] [ in his alias ]
Joe Blow Assumed Name How the Hell???? NO CARRIER What did I do? Dear Joe: You haven't learned anything in the past two years have you. You're an a$$hole. If you have a dog, I hope it dies. F*ck you. Dear SysOp: What do you mean? I am a new modem user. I have never called a BBS before. Assumed Name. Dear Assumed/Joe/Whatthef*ckeveryournameis: You're a little liar. Go to hell and don't ever call here again or I'll r*pe your sister. Eat me. Dear SysOp: My sister's only 5 years old. [ SysOp breaks into chat ] The SysOp is here! That's all the better. I'll bring my shoehorn!!!
[ bad wolf ] NO CARRIER PART IV, in which the kid stops calling the board for a time to lay low. In the interim, the feds have come to his house to question him. He cracks under their interrogation and spills everything. The little shit names the BBS he has been calling for the last two years as his favorite computer hang out. How stupid. He must be a cabbage or something. After cracking under the pressure of the FBI he calls the SysOp to warn him and to make ammends. He fails miserably. NO CARRIER. [ been locked out of the system) he uses the name John Smith (how ] [ original...remember the cabbage?) and leaves a message to the ] [ SysOp ] Dear SysOp: I just thought I'd warn you that someone tipped the feds off about your board and that they'll be coming to question you about your illegal activities. Maybe you should go into hiding.
Joe Blow, Dear Joe: You little prick!!!!!! What the hell did you tell them. I don't run no illegal board. I think I'll shoot you AND r*pe your sister and kill your little dog, too. As a matter of fact, I'm on my way. Shit, there's a knock at the door. It BETTER not be the feds. F*ck you eat me suck my dick you little f*cker. PART V, in which the kid and the SysOp make a court appearance and exchange heated words. The courtroom is filled with credit card frauders and phreakers, much to the SysOp's dismay because it makes him look bad. The only thing that keeps going through his mind (driving him nuts) is "Good morning, the worm, your honor." He wishes he had a shotgun so he could shoot the kid. He does, however, have his shoehorn. PROSECUTOR: Mr. SysOp, you have a user on your BBS system named Joe Blow, is this correct. SYSOP : No, I used to, but I locked the little shit out. DEFENSE : Objection your honor, he's a little prick, not a little shit. JUDGE : Sustained. Mr. SysOp, I will kindly ask you to keep your answers truthful. [ Welcome to hell. How DO you like it??????? ] KID : I'm not either of those things!
JUDGE, [ the kid shuts up ] KID : He sells stolen credit cards! JUDGE : Is this true, Mr. SysOp? SYSOP : Absolutely not! The kid's a liar! PROSECUTOR: Your honor, we would like a recess to build a case against Mr. SysOp. SYSOP : WHAT? You're going to believe this little f*cker? DEFENSE : OBJECTION! JUDGE : Sustained! The court has already established that the little f*cker is a little prick. DEFENSE : Your honor, we move for a mistrial! JUDGE : F*ck you, this court is in recess.
[ of money, and the SysOp goes to jail for credit card fraud because ] [ the kid couldn't think of anything else to say about the SysOp to ] [ save his ass. ] Two years later, the SysOp got out of jail, but was promptly sent back on charges of r*ping a seven-year old girl, shooting the kid, and killing a little dog. He was sentenced to die in the electric chair, but went with a big grin on his face. The kid went to hell, where all little leeches eventually go. His sister went to hell too, and sold shoehorns for a living. SysOps: THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU! Don't let nine-year-olds on your BBSes! Ban the little leech! 74. COMMAND REDUCTION OF ARMY PERSONNEL ( C.R.A.P. ) As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future. A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE). Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience. This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW). Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT) phase. CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate. If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army. The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of SHIT our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more SHIT than any other service. If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough SHIT, see your commander. Your commander is especially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. 75. The 25 bbs commandments:
1. Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes. 76. Island There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank" "Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?" "It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree". "But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, she said. Where do you live?" At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?" "No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke." "It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship". "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.. "You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now." "Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?" 77. A reject letter Baxter Conners Vice President Company 203 203 Wall St. New York, NY 10015 Dear Mr. Conners, Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Sincerely, XXXXXXXX 78. You know your addicted when.... To my darling husband...... Dear John, I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your IBM computer entered our lives two years ago. The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun. Lars--I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed around, although that feather duster does make you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't smother. Well, dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars - Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of thing while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to your desk, -just the way you like it. I hope you and IBM have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often - try to remember us while your disks are booting. Love, Mary. 79. TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE...BUT AREN'T
10. I need to whip it out by 5! AND NUMBER ONE. 1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there. 80. Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. |
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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands