KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.

At this the priest says, -I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says -I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-

The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."

The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."

The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"

"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Question: If a skunk and a lawyer both get hit by cars and are lying in the middle of the road, how do you tell them apart?
Answer: The skunk has skid marks in front of it.

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
Use all three bullets on the lawyer.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
The vultures will eat the skunk.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
Nobody wants to hit a skunk.

Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers?
There are some things that would gag even a vulture.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys!

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.

How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.

What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.

What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation?
A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.

What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
Respect.

What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common?
They're all slime.

Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.

What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer?
You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM.

What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them?
You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm gonna sue!" or "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"

What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
He would starve to death.

Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
Even hyenas have some dignity.

What do you call an honest lawyer?
An impossibility.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.

Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
At least he wasn't a lawyer.

What is the difference between pigs and lawyers?
You can learn to respect a pig.

What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.

Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.

What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.

What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism?

What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
Yogurt has culture.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
People couldn't decide which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux?

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.

The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up.

After a few days...

The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss.

This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss...

Just an Asshole.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress. "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed.
"Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife."