KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

201. A carpet layer
A carpet layer had justfinished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entirefloor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "ifonly I could find my parakeet. "

202. A baby polar bear
A baby polar bear asks his mother "Mommy, am I 100% polar bear?"
The mother looks up in thought, and replies "Well, your father is 100% polar bear, and I'm 100% polar bear, so I'd say yes, you're 100% polar bear."

Not satisfied with this answer, the baby polar bear goes to his father and asks "Daddy, am I 100% polar bear?"
The father pauses briefly, and responds "Well, your mom's parents were both 100% polar bear, and my parents were both 100% polar bear, so yes, you're 100% polar bear."
The father then looks at his son and says "why do you ask?"
The son replies "because I'm FUCKING FREEZING!!!!"

203. In the desert
A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wondered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."

204. Parrot and Young Lady
This young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot.

The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it's a real "smart-ass", with a vulgar vocabulary and rude temperment.

The woman says thats OK I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyhow.

So the woman gets the bird home puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. Just as she gets her slacks off the parrot says: "AWK... NICE LEGS BABY" Well the the woman isn't gonna take this shit so she takes the bird out of the cage and puts it in the freezer for 3 min.

While the parrots in the freezer, he becomes real sure that this was the wrong thing to say, and is making a large mental note about saying that again.

The next night, again the woman is getting ready for bed this time the parrot KNOWS not to say any thing about her legs, but after she removes her blouse, and then her bra... the parrot just can't resist any longer. He blurts out "AWK... GREAT TITS BABY LETS SEE YA SHAKE UM".

This once agian gets the woman pissed-off and she decides that instead of 3 min. in the freezer, she is going to keep the parrot in for 5 min.

WELL the parrot has lots of time to think this time, and remorse gives way to desperation, and finally to anger so that the adrenalin will allow him to continue to live.

FINALLY the woman opens the freezer door take out the near frozen parrot and asks... "Well, have you learned your lesson??"

The parrot still shivering and barely able to speak says... "AWK... YEA YEA SURE SURE, BUT I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION....."

The woman says... "Yes?"

The parrot says "AWK... WHAT DID THE TURKEY DO, ASK FOR A BLOW JOB?"

205. Susie the parrot
Mary Alice Riley, an elderly, devout, Irish Catholic spinster decides that she wants a pet. She goes to the pet store and is taken with a beautiful parrot. The owner warns her "Mary Alice, that bird is not for you." Still she wants to buy it and asks why it is not for her. The owner confesses that the parrot has a bad mouth. Mary Alice, however, is confident that she can train the bird to speak in a decent manner so she insists on buying it.

She takes the bird home and that night she invites two priests from the local parish and a few women friends over for dinner. She uncovers her new bird to show it off. As soon as she removes the cover, the parrot pipes up "My name is Susie and I love to f**k." Mary Alice is mortified. There is shocked silence, but after a few minutes Father Murphy calls Mary aside. "Don't be upset, Mary" he says. "It's not your fault what this parrot has learned before you got her. We have two male parrots at our parsonage who we have trained to hold the Rosary beads and to say the Rosary. I'll be happy to take Susie to our place for a few days so she can live in the cage with Harold and John and learn pious ways from them."

So Susie is taken to the parsonage. She is put into the cage with Harold and John. The two male parrots who are in the process of saying their Rosary. She immediately declares "My name is Susie and I love to f**k."

Harold replies "Drop the beads John, our prayers have been answered!" 206. Magician & the Parrot
A magician was working in the lounge on a cruise ship, and every night, the captain of the ship would come in with his pet parrot and watch the act. The parrot seemed particularly fascinated by the magician's tricks and started watching them very closely.

One night the magician took the stage and announced, "Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I will saw this lovely woman in half right before your eyes!" "*Craaawk!*", said the parrot, "It's a fake! *whistle* he's got fake legs coming out the other side of the box!" The crowd roared, and the magician was less than amused. "Okay then, I will do a different trick", announced the magician, "Pick a card, madam, and I will tell you which card you have chosen." "*Craaawk*! They're all the same cards!" answered the parrot!

This heckling continued for several weeks, and was completely ruining the magicians act, and needless to say, the magician grew to completely hate this bird, but he couldn't harm it, since it was the captain's pet.

One night after a particularly bad show, the magician was walking on the upper deck of the ship when a huge explosion ripped through the bottom decks of the ship. The magician jumped into a lifeboat and dropped to safety. As he watched the ship sink, the captain's parrot flew out from the ship and landed in his lifeboat.

Several days passed without a word between the magician and the parrot, the magician just glared at the bird, and the bird just kept looking in the direction of the sunken ship. Finally, the parrot broke down...

"*Craaawk!* OKAY, BUDDY! What d'ya do with the ship!!??"

207. Lionsface
"Yes, I came face to face with a lion once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a gun."
"WHat did you do?"
"What could I do?" First, I tried looking straight into his eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer. I had to think fast."
"How did you get away?"
"I just left him and passed on to another cage."

208. Friends in New York
This koala bear flys in from Austrailia to visit his friends in New York. His friends take him out to a house of ill repute for a night of wild abandon. The next morning, the koala bear is putting on his things and walking out, but he is stopped by the madam. "Ahem!!!" says the madam. "Ahem, What?" replys the koala bear. The madam asks "do you know where you are?" and the koala bear replys "well yes, I'm in a house of ill repute." The madam says "look honey, I don't think you get the idea - take this dictionary and look up 'prostitute'. So the koala bear looks up 'prostitute' in the dictionary and reads: "A woman who trades sexual services for money." The koala bear, looking puzzled hands the dictionary back to the madam and says "OK, look up KOALA BEAR." So the madam looks up 'koala bear' and reads: "A small Austrailian marsupial which eats bushes and leaves." Do you know how to catch a Polar Bear?

209. Hole in the ice
Well, first you cut a hole in the ice, then you place peas around the hole, then when the bear comes out to take a pea you kick him in the icehole!!

210. A hungry lion
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

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