KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Feeling rather depressed he got to wondering how he was going to survive with only an elephant and no career any more. Then he remembered his days in the Circus and realised he was onto a good thing.

In all his years in the Circus, he had trained elephants to lift one leg off the ground, lift two legs off the ground and even lift three legs off the ground but NEVER had he seen four legs off the ground at once.

Near and far he advertised, $1 to try, win $1000 if you can make the elephant lift 4 legs off the ground at once.

People came from near and far to try and Charles was raking the money and had made about $700 when one day a fellow arrived in a red convertible.

He asked about the rules of the contest and paid his money. He walked back to the car, took out a baseball bat, walked to the front of the elephant, looked him in the eye long and hard. Then he walked arouond the back of the elephant, took a mighty swing and struck the animal in the testicles.

At once the elephant leapt into the air and Charles was down $1000 and feeling *very* sorry for himself.

Then he remebered his days at the Circus and in all his days he had never seen an elephant move his head side to side. Up and down he had seen, round and round he had seen but NEVER side to side. Near and far he advertised, $1 to try, win $1000 if you can make the elephant move his head side to side.

People came from near and far to try and Charles was raking the money when one day a fellow arrived in a red convertible. Again he asked the rules and walked to his car. He returned with a baseball bat, walked to the front of the elephant and looked the animal in the eye long and hard and said, "You remeber me, don't you?". The elephant nodded. "You remeber what I did to you?" The elephant nodded. "You remeber the PAIN?" The elephant nodded. "Do you want me to do it again?"

The police officer goes up to the second duck and says "What's your name??" The duck replies "Quack Quack". The police officer then asks "And why are you here??" The duck says "For blowing bubbles in the pond." "Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That's illegal!! That's a $50.00 fine!!" The duck agrees to pay the fine.

The police officer goes up to the third duck and says "And your name must be Quack Quack Quack". And the duck replies "No, it's Bubbles".

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:

* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better. California State University, Long Beach, Library

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa hunting and you called that witch doctor a Nigger!"