KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Andy says,"I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy,"and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues,"I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy,"I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

First he asked that the airconditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold and so on for about half an hour. Surprizingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile, "We don't even have an air conditioner"

Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN'T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS a go to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year???"

And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop the Christmas trees came to pass. . . . .

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' havefanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and calluntil shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, butI shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage.Thanksh a lot.

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in"as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are notsure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means themachine did not work.

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open tosuggestions.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Pleasespeak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of thesemagnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shopfor repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done...(Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped withher tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anythingcooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. Myowners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets areclean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picturetaken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they willget back to you.

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on yourtouch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touchtone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phonenow. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good wayto work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phonesystem.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, pleasewait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please presspound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. Ifyou want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, askfor extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leaveyour number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in acircle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic

thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, yourreason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll thinkabout returning your call.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name,number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can.Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO.Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name andnumber, I'll be right with you.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know howyou are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a messageand I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupidtalking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help meout by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basementprinting up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need anymoney, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave yourname, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from theDepartment of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me amessage, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'llhave a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinkingabout it...

Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talkingand if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone.Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number,and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in afederal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patternsare now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this isdone, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice forliterally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge forthis initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionistswill contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of ourservice, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speakclearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me,you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying tocall John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. Idon't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

(Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon aspossible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave amessage, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hangon a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)OK, what would you like me to tell me?

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone90 degrees and try again.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepynow. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resistsuggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled toleave your name, number, and a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. Youbegin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to ananswering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on theanswering machine... You hear a beep...

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name andnumber, I'll call you back when I am...

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name andnumber, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is ananswering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybeYOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and ifit's reality, I will call you back.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave amessage after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not takeone tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you mighthave to deal with me in person.

This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, doFOR you.

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to stealTroy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh,I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where didyou say you live?

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weaponsright now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't athome and it's safe to leave us a message.

I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me howthis machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.

(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is theexecutioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leavea name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.

Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections anddivine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a messageand we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.

(Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to responddue to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber,we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday wasthe last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you cantell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you havethere. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answeringmachines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me acall sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even playmy beep for you.

(Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween, I'm about toperform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Unlessyou're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEIACHERONTIS PROPITII...

Science fiction

Bridge, Kirk here.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there isa transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it onscreen?

(Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the finalfrontier. (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine.Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.(Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe.Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keepyour hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car at all times.Enjoy your ride.

(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phoneright now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril,or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep andhe will return your call.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channelerin the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into thefuture.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busyundermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at themoment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and arepresentative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for yourassimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phoneright now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'llhave him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in nextweek's National Enquirer.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right nowbecause I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up ofantimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resultingenergy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave amessage at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my componentparticles have been restored to their normal charges.

Brevity

I'm gone.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

This is David. Talk to me.

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-whatyou-know-when.

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is thenineties. You know what to do.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message afterthe beep.

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. (Usefulto keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest excitingmessage.)

(Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don't you ever wonderwhat life would be like? ...

Miscellaneous

(For Shakespeare lovers only:) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the CreditUnion either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a messagethough.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regularloose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugsor something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes Ido. Bye.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch mepull their message out of this machine!

Rocky: Again?

Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking,stops abruptly.)

Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number.

Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
(A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went outfor beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep,gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:) Hi, this is Kathy. I'm not myselfright now. If you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you when I'mfeeling better.

Farewell

These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep andmiles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before Iwake, Remember to erase the tape.

More Stuff

"Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)

"Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy.After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an assholereturn your call as soon as possible.

Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone rightnow, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, pleaseleave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!

C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a littlebeep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...likethis--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well,your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it toVanna White. Sorry.

Kemosabe no in teepee now. You leave'um message after little smokesignal,and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can'tdo that.

[Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange] Oh,my brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator's not in now--he's out onhis oddy-nocky looking for a bit of pretty polly--some young devotchka withhorrorshow grooties. Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep, andI'll get back to thee later, righty-right.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, soafter the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly aboutyour childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the followingwords: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with mydiagnosis as soon as possible.

[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave me a message...leave mea message....etc.

Thanks for calling the Suicide Hotline. At the tone, your telephone willexplode, sending fragments of metal and plastic deep into your brain....

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This isthe Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....

his is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.This is only a test.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not thebeep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. Toinitiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today'spassword is BABY BOOTIES.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down totest: 5...4...3...2...1...

OFFENSIVE TO MORMONS. Funny if you've been accosted by elders on bikes.]Thanks for calling the Brigham Young School for Semi-Formal Bicycle Racing.We can't come to the phone now because we're out proselytizing heathens, soplease leave your name and number.

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money.I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name,phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secretpassword.

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep!If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!

This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone,sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to thephone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, butI'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you Iguess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait,gosh. This is so confusing.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand theinstructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touchthis...YOW!!

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name andnumber and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word isacetylcholinesterase {or clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...}

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today'scommandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...er...bear a...er...shalt notwitness thy...uh...neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false...er...shalt notcommit a bear...dern...

{Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone nowbecause I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, andI'll get back to you.

[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage--myshoulders really could use it, and, what? You're only supposed to leave aMESSAGE? Darn....

Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im bigfella mek talkie-talk back real fas'.

When a woman makes a fool of a man....it is usually an improvement!

Q: What's the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they're drunk!

Equality is a myth - woman are better!

All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one.

Most men prefer looks to brains because most men see better than they think!

The average man is proof that women can take a joke!

A man who belittles a woman in public is only trying to pull her down to his size.

Q: What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain? A: A widower!

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME_________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH____________
2. HEIGHT:__________ WEIGHT:__________ I.Q. _________ G.P.A._________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY#___________________DRIVER’S LICENSE # __________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK ________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS_____________________CITY/STATE_________ZIP_______
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?________________________
7. Number of years parents married:
_____________________________________
8. Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____A waterbed?______
9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you
_________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend? ________________________ How often? ______________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and priest? ____________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: pleas answer freely - all answers are confidential ( That means I won’t tell anyone-ever-promise).
A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is ______________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is ____________________________
C. A woman’s place is in the __________________________________________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________
E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is ________________________
(NOTE: If answer E begins with a T or A, discontinue and leave premises; keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised).
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
__________________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (sine you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might watch your back).