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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands
| 241. Good and bad news An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death." "When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..." 242. Into a empty bar An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street." 243. COMMAND REDUCTION OF ARMY PERSONNEL ( C.R.A.P. ) As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future. A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE). Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience. This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW). Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT) phase. CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate. If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army. The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of SHIT our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more SHIT than any other service. If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough SHIT, see your commander. Your commander is especially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. 244. Two men were boasting Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals." 245. A rich lonely widow A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH.
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.
246. Architect, artist and an enegineer An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." 247. Jeb's mountain-born wife Jeb's mountain-born wife decided she wanted to do something special to please him when he comes home from his long hunting trip with Zeb, so she bought a pair of crotchless panties. That night as he came into the house, she lay sprawled on the couch spead-eagled. "Hi Huney", she purred sexily. "Y'all want some of this?" "Hell no!" he roared. "Look at what it done did to your undies." 248. Two atoms were walking Two atoms were walking down the street and bump into each other. "are you OK?" asked the first one. "No," replied the second. "I lost an electron!" "are you sure?" asked the first one. "I'm positive!" 249. An Avon lady An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?" "Well, yes I do," he replied. "What does it smell like?" The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone crapped in a pine tree." 250. A new baby A doctor was holding a new baby that he had just delivered. The baby looked up at him and said, "Are you my father?" The doctor said, "No, I am the doctor that delivered you." Then the doctor handed the baby to the nurse. While the nurse was cleaning the baby the baby looked at the nurse and said, "Are you my father?" The nurse said, "No, I am just the nurse." Then the nurse gave the baby to the new father. The baby looked at him and said, "Are you my father?" The new father said proudly, "Yes! I am your father." Then the baby started poking his father in the forehead over and over again and said, "So how do YOU like it?" |
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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands