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| 311. Bungee jumping vs sex Q: What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common? A: 1) They both cost about $100. 2) They both last about 30 seconds. 3) And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man. 312. In a drugstore A man walked into a drugstore and asked the man at the counter if they sold condoms. The proprietor asked the man what kind he wanted. The man replied, "I want the kind with insecticide on them." The proprietor responded, "Don't you mean the kind with spermicide?" "NO!" shouted the man, "I mean INSECTICIDE". The proprietor asked, "Why would you want a condom with insecticide"?" The man replied, "My old lady has a bug up her ass, and I'm going after it!" 313. Bumper Stickers I love animals, they taste great. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. Assassins do it from behind. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? All generalizations are false, including this one. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free? Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. If you are psychic - think "HONK" 314. ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE. TIME IS WHAT KEEPS THINGS FROM HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE I DIDN'T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO BE A VEGETARIAN. YOUR KID MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT BUT YOU'RE STILL AN IDIOT IF WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT ANIMALS, WHY ARE THEY MADE WITH MEAT? FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT. I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT. IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER. LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS. ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST. SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM. PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE. PITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE. FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL. WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR. WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF "SMART." MAKE IT IDIOT PROOF AND SOMEONE WILL MAKE A BETTER IDIOT. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST. ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. LOTTERY: A TAX ON PEOPLE WHO ARE BAD AT MATH. VERY FUNNY SCOTTY. NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES. PURITANISM: THE HAUNTING FEAR THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE MAY BE HAPPY. CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS. 3 KINDS OF PEOPLE: THOSE WHO CAN COUNT AND THOSE WHO CAN'T. WHY IS "ABBREVIATION" SUCH A LONG WORD? EVER STOP TO THINK, AND FORGET TO START AGAIN? DIPLOMACY IS THE ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"...TILL YOU CAN FIND A ROCK. I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES. "AUNTIE EM: HATE YOU, HATE KANSAS, TAKING THE DOG." -DOROTHY LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF. ESCHEW OBFUSCATION. 315. In a pet store Two newfies walked into a pet store. The first says "I want four budgies." Salesman-certainly sir,would you like two male and two female or all male or all female? Newfie-I don't care. I just want 4 budgies! Salesman-certainly sir,what color would you like? We have yellow, blue, gr... Newfie-I don't give a shit what color they are, just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard? Salesman-O.K. O.K. The two newfies pay for the budgies and leave. They drive out to this high cliff in Newfoundland and the first newfie reaches in the box and pulls out two of the birds,grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff while flapping his arms. Of course he SPLATS at the bottom. The second newfie looks down at his friend's twisted remains and says "Shit, this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to be!" 316. little boy in the zoo with his father A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..." "Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. "What bus should I take home?" the boy finished. 317. A businessman and his secretary A businessman and his secretary are overcome by passion, and the exec confinces his paramour to retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner". "Don't worry" he purrs "my wife is out of town on a business trip, and won't bother us". The pair are necking in the business man's bedroom, when the secretary gasps "we got to stop now! I'm not using any birth control.." "No problem" he replies "I know where my wife keeps her diaphragm..." He immediately begins rooting around in the bathroom. After a half hour, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That B!tch!" he exclaims "she took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me ....." 318. Ran out of water These two guys were making their way across the desert when their camel ran out of water. Without the camel they knew they would never make it out of the desert alive. They looked around and discovered that they were only a few hundred yards from an oasis but also discovered that they had nothing to carry water in. So they decided to drag the camel to the water. By the time they got him there, the camel was much too weak to drink. The only solution they could come up with was one would have to hold the camels head in the water and the other would have to suck on it's ass. Neither wanted the job of ass-sucking so they flipped a coin to see who would suck on the camels ass to fill him with water. After the toss the winner positioned the camels head and the other took his position at the rear. After a few minutes the one at the rear raises his head up, spits and said, Hey, you've got his head in to deep, all I'm getting is mud! 319. Out camping Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, one of the men woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!" Another of the husbands woke up and asked, "What's going on?" The first guy said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife " The second guy asked, "How come?" "To have sex!" said the first, "I just woke up with the biggest hard on I've ever had in my life!" The second guy said, "Do you want me to come with you?" The first guy said, "Hell, no. Why would I want you to do that?" 320. Pray to God A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God which ran as follows:
Dear God:
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