© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands
| 301. One very cold night One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait." "But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now." "Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs." "Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room." So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks. "Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!" "I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down." 302. An electrician, a carpenter and a brick layer An electrician, a carpenter and a brick layer are on a building site eating their lunch. The first one opens his lunchbox and exclaims " I don't believe it - tuna sandwiches again!! If I get tuna tomorrow, I'm going to climb up the scaffolding and jump off!" The carpenter opens his lunchbox and exclaims "Would you believe it - cheese sandwiches again! If I get cheese tomorrow, I'm going to climb up the scaffolding and jump off!" The bricklayer opens his lunchbox and exclaims " Oh no - ham sandwiches again! If I get ham tomorrow, I'm going to the top and jumping off as well!" The next day, they all sit down to lunch. the electrician opens his lunch. " I don't believe it - tuna!" Goes up the scaffolding, jumps off, dead. The carpenter opens his. "Oh no - cheese!" Climbs up, jumps off, dead. The bricklayer opens his. "Oh no - ham!" Climbs up, jumps off, dead. Week later the funeral takes place. The priest is comforting the widows. The electrician's widow is crying and says to him " I don't understand it.If only he had told me, I would have given him something different!" Priest goes to carpenter's widow. "I don't understand it either, if he had told me I would have packed something different!" Bricklayers widow is crying and exclaims " I REALLY don't understand it, mine made his own sandwiches!! 303. Jewelry Mel and his wife are walking down Main Street one evening. They stop at a jewelry store window. She says, "Mel, I'd love those diamond earrings." He says, "no problem," and takes a brick out of his pocket, smashes the window, and gets the earrings for her. They walk away hastily and soon come upon another jewelry store. In the window, there is this gorgeous diamond ring, and the wife says, "Mel, oh please, please, please, get me that ring." He looks around, sees there's nobody around, takes a brick out of his pocket and hurls it at the window. Now she's got the earrings and this great ring, and they walk away ... until they come to yet another jewelry store. There's this fantastic diamond necklace in the window. She starts begging, "Mel, Mel, just look at it. I need it!" He looks at her and says "Whaddaya think, I'm made out of bricks?" 304. Twice-a-week bridge game Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them. To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay. Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!" 305. Honeymoon A newlywed couple was on their honeymoon. Before hopping into bed, the bride said to the groom,"Honey, please be careful... you know i am a virgin." The groom was shocked and replied " What in the hell do you mean by that? I am your third husband for christs sake!" The bride replied "Well, my first husband was a psychologist and all he wanted to do was talk about it, my second husband was a gynocoligist and all he wanted to do was look at it, and since you are a lawyer, I know I'll get screwed!" 306. Three brothers One day 3 brothers are walking around the part when they came across something in the middle of their path "it looks like SHlT!" said the first brother "i better check it out" he lean forward and took a deep breath "Smells like SHlT!" he said. The second brother walk closer and stick his finger inside it and feel "Feels like SHlT" he said . the thirth brother poke it and put it inside his mouth and said "Taste like SHlT" the three brother finally relaxed and said "GOOD thing we didn't step on it PHEW!" 307. Boybike Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!" Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!" The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!" 308. The captain Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!" 309. Halloween It was Halloween, and a little boy, who had a speech impetament was out Trick-or-Treating. He came to a man's house and said "Bick or Beet" and the man said, "what are you for Halloween?" "A birate" the little boy said. Now, everyone knows that pirates are associated with bucaneers. So, the man said, "Well son, where are you're buccaneers?" And the little boy replied,"on the side of my buckin' head!!!" 310. A job interview There's two men at a job interview. The Human Resources manager at The Company has interviewed them both, and he walks into the lobby, where the two men are anxioiusly awaiting the results. "Gentlemen," the interviewer says, "I have a problem. Both of you are exactly what The Company is looking for; you're both extremely qualified and well educated. However, there's only one job available. Since creativity is a very important aspect of this job, here's what I want you to do. I want you to create a poem ending with Timbuctu." The interviewer looks at the first man and tells him to go first. Mustering all of his thoughts, he thoughtfully pauses then says: Out across the desert sands Rode a lonely caravan Underneath the sky so blue Destination: Timbuctu The interviewer is impressed. He looks over to the second man, who appears nervous. The interviewer wonders how the second guy is going to top a poem like that. Just when the interviewer thinks the second man is going to concede defeat, the second man finally says: Fishing, me and Tim a-went Saw some ladies in a tent They being three and we being two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two! |
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