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| 331. The vegetable garden Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn’t get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor’s garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It’s really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment". Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried to take his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?" "No," she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my carrots! 332. Alligators While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em." 333. Accident Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves." "Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey. "Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here." 334. Captured By The Red Indians Once upon a time a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were captured by the Red Indians on a prospecting trip in North America. They been tied up against their respective totem poles for a day when the Chief walked up to the Englishman, pinched the skin of his upper arm and said, "Hmmm, heap good skin, nice and thick. Will make heap good canoe. You have a last request?" "That case of gin I had when your boys caught me. I'd like that, and a final night in the arms of a beautiful woman.", says the Englishman. He's duly provided with his gin and a beautiful squaw, and taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Englishman makes love to the squaw three times and drinks two bottles of gin. In the morning the Indians dispatch him, skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a couple of days when it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Scotsman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, "Hmmm, heap, heap good skin, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request? "Ah'll huv ma whisky back, an' gies a dirty woman for the night.", says the Scotsman. He's duly provided with his whisky and a very sexy squaw, and taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Scotsman makes love to the squaw four times and drinks three bottles of whisky. He's already dead when the Indians come to collect him the next morning. They skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a week before it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Irishman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, "Hmmm, heap, heap, heap, heap good skin, very, very, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap, heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request? "I'd loike a fork.", says the Irishman. The Chief gives him a funny look but gives him the fork. The Irishman takes the fork, stabs himself repeatedly shouting, "Yer no makin' any bloody canoe outta me!! 335. Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats
1: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot
manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.
336. Caterpillars "Are caterpillars good to eat?" asked little Tommy at the dinner table. "No," said his father, "what makes you ask a question like that while we are eating?" "You had one on your lettuce salad, but it's gone now," replied Tommy. 337. MEN -- HAVING PROBLEMS WITH YOUR SPOUSE? This letter was started by men, like yourself, in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented men. Unlike most chain letters this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five friends who are equally discontented and tired. Then bundle up your Wife, Girlfriend, or Significant Other and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list you will receive 16,277 women! And one of them is bound to be a helluva lot better than the one you already have. Bear in mind, though, that someone has sent her to you, and be careful. Don't break the Chain!!! Have Faith!!! One man broke the chain and got his own bitch back (with her mother). At this writing, a friend of mine has already received 184 women. The strain killed him. They buried him yesterday. It took three morticians to get the smile off his face and two days to tie down his cock so they could close the coffin! 338. lie detecting chair A professor had this lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting on it would tell a lie, the chair would open up and the person would fall flat on the ground. So in his experimentation a young brunette came in and sat down. The professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in this region, and perhaps even in the whole world!", immediately after saying that the chair opened up and she landed flat on her ass. She stormed out, at which time a young blonde was invited in to sit. She sat down and was invited to tell about herself. She began, "I think", and suddenly the chair opened up and she fell flat on her ass! 339. File your taxes A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year." 340. Crash Course in Speaking Chinese Chinese Phrase = English Translation |
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