| 341. LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
342. Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for
superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
343. New Viruses!
Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly
about
foreign software.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything.
Secretly, you wish it would.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a
year later, in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but
you
just can't prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be
much of a threat.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by
C.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before
the
whole thing quits.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but
ewe
t!
OVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
ware says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to
be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent
of
their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of
error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in
half
ith the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message
says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self
destructs,
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural
America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
and
sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new
files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on
your
hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.
344. Condoms
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist
says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young
man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while
and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
"the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're
going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give
me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later
that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The
girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a
religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me
that your father is a pharmacist."
345. To my darling husband......
Dear John,
I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so
that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I
thought you should know what has been going on at home since your IBM
computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright,
handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew
a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but
yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very
realistic. You would be proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did
at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still
remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday.
What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the
electricity was out.
I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was
delighted to discover that it really is more fun. Lars--I mean Mr.
Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and
has become a good friend to us all. I have discovered that the
household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind
being vacuumed around, although that feather duster does make you
sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted
last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure that the
painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't smother.
Well, dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars - Mr. Swenson, I mean, is
taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a
housekeeper to take care of thing while we are away. She'll keep
things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to your
desk, -just the way you like it. I hope you and IBM have a lovely
time while we are gone.
Tommy, Jen and I think of you often - try to remember us while your
disks are booting.
Love, Mary.
346. Brand Name Condoms
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody
did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keep going and going
...
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condom: Betcha can't have just one.
347. Suffering from constipation
A man was suffering from constipation, so his doctor
prescribed suppositories. A week later the man complained to the
doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been
taking them regulary?" the doctor asked. "What do you think I've
been doing," the man said, "Shoving them up my ass?"
348. Life
Life is nothing but a contradiction in terms. Words and phrases
can often be contradictory. Here are a few words are contradictory
to the fact. What it really is, isn't what it sounds like.
Here is what life hands us:
Army intelligence - Can they be all that smart, after all they enlisted.
Road construction - I see more road destruction than construction.
Planned parenthood - If it is so planned, why is there a place where
spontaneous mothers need to consult on other
"alteratives"
Friendly fire - Can it be all that friendly if it kills?
Business campus - "Say counselor ..where do I sign up for that Office
Management 101 course? Party on dude!"
Virtual reality - Hmm let me get this straight..its real but its not,
seems like its happening but it really isn't?
Perception of sight, sound, and mind? Sounds like
a "Twilight Zone" episode. Rod Stieger where are
you? Oh, there you are.
Self help books - If your looking for self help, why are you buying
books from people teaching you to help yourself? If
you are being taught, you are not helping yourself
on your own. You sought help from some else.
349. 32 Reasons why Cookie Dough is better than men.
1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
4. You always want to swallow.
5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
6. It's "quick and convenient".
7. You can enjoy it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavored.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It's always ready to go.
21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like
you're bragging.
26. It won't take up room in your bed.
27. It's easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.
350. A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting
from use of her cookbook
Ivette - Banana Pie:
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in
the pie. Then you eat it.
Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300
degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.
Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make
sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in
a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite
people over and eat.
Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10
hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up.
Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it.
Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15
minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after 5
minutes, then you eat it.
Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the
oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15
hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.
Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on
it and eat it.
Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the
oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it's
time to eat them.
Irene - Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for
1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad cuts it
and then eat.
Moriah - Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours
at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.
Vincent - Turkey
You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19
degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.
Jordyn - Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9
minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.
Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put
brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then you add
some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then you put it in
the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and
then you eat it.
Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the
oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates and then
you eat it.
Jordan Salvatore- Turkey
First you put it in the oven for 15 minutes at 100 degrees. Then you
cut it up and then you eat it.
Jordan Simons - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add
the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.
Whitney - Turkey
Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then
you eat it.
Jason - Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard
and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it all
around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you
cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christine - Turkey
First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees.
Then you cut it up and you eat it.
Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.
Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.
Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put
dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.
Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5
degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.
Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and
bring it with you. Then you eat it.
Christina - Turkey
Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35
degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.
Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with
it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape. Put the
apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.
Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook
it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.
Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then
eat it.
Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat
it.
Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat
it.
Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan.
Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it. Take out
of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in
the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy
weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it. Then you eat it.
Olivia - Corn
Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then
put it on a plate. Then eat.
Siera - Pumpkin Pie
Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon.
Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.
Kayla - Turkey
Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1
hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.
Tommy - Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin
Wai - Pumpkin Pie
Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.
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