KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".

LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool.

LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

1. Dogs do not have trouble expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
4. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong
5. Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
6. Dogs don't criticize your friends.
7. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
8. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
9. Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they'll never laugh at how you throw)
10. Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
11. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
12. No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
13. You can train a dog.
14. Dogs are good with kids.
15. Dogs are easy to buy for.
16. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
17. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
18. Gorgeous dogs don't know they are gorgeous.
19. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gave it to you.)
20. Dogs understand what "No " means.
21. Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
22, Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
23. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
24. Dogs do not read at the table.
25. Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
26. You can house-train a dog.
27. You can force a dog to take a bath.
28. Dogs don't correct your stories.
29. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
30. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
31. Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
32. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
33. Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
34. Dogs admit it when they are lost.
35. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
36. Dogs look at your eyes.
37. Dogs like your size.
38. Dogs do not care whther you shave your legs.
39. Dogs take care of their own needs.
40. Dogs are color blind.
41. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
42. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
43. Dogs are nice to your relatives.
44. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both like to chew wood.
5. Both mark their territory.
6. Both are bad at asking you questions.
7. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
8. Both tend to smell riper with age.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
10. Neither does any dishes.
11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
12. Both like dominance games.
13. Both are suspicious of the postman.
14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
15. Neither understands what you see in cats.

100 people who don't do dick!

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

When you can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Every woman you see has an exact twin.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

The glass keeps missing your mouth!

Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]

At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women].

Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive.

Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.

I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

You've fallen and you can't get up.

When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle - please pass the ice pack....

BeerTender! Get me another Bar!

The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

Your name is Ted Kennedy.

Foster Brooks appears sober to you.

"This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He *can* talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."