The place was Deadman, Kansas in the Sawdust saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust saloon and to his surprise he saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"

Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."

The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two pearl handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important son is, can you shoot?"

The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.

Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?" Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson.

Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do much better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you." "What's that?" the boy asked. "Well," Masterson said, "I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard."

Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that.

Masterson put his cards down for the second time, leaned back in his chair and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and stick them right up your ass!"

1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3) Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6) Were you alone or by yourself.

7) How long have you been a French Canadian?

8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14) So you were gone until you returned?

15) Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third woman fainted.

The canibal chief says that they will be eaten, and their skins used to cover the tribe's canoes, but, since they had proven themselves to be truely awsome fighting men, as a sign of respect they would be allowed to kill themselves, rather than the usual practice of being tortured to death.

The three were presented with a selection of implements with which to do themselves in.

The French Legionaire selected a knife, shouted, "Viva la France!" and cut his own throat.

The British soldier chose a pistol, shouted, "God save the Queen!" and shot himself in the head.

The US Marine picked up a big fork, and started stabing himself in the chest while shouting, "FUCK your canoe!!"

Suddenly, a skunk runs out across the road in front of the car. The husband swerves the car, bouncing the skunk off of one of the tires. The skunk skids off the road into the bushes.

The wife goes crazy - "Honey! Honey! You hit the little skunk! Honey! You gotta stop and see if he's okay!"

The husband, none too happy, but quite familiar with the consequences of NOT doing what the wife asks, pulls over to the side of the road, and gets out to go check on the little skunk. He finds the skunk in the bushes, stunned but none the worse for wear. He tells his wife, "He's just stunned, he'll be fine in a little while."

The wife, getting a bit huffy at this point, whines, "Honeeeey, it's soooo coooold out there, he'll freeze!"

The husband, "So whadda you want me to do about it?"

The wife whines more demandingly, "Honeeeeyyy! Pick him up and we can take him to the vet in the next town!"

So, the husband goes and picks up the skunk, brings it over, and lays it in his wife's lap. He gets in the car and starts driving. After a few minutes, the husband notices that the skunk is laying there shivvering from the cold, and tells the wife, "Honey, if you don't keep him warm, that little guy is gonna freeze before we get to the next town!"

The wife, noticing it, asks, "What do you want me to do?"

The husband says, "Well, pull your skirt up and put the skunk between your legs, and pull your dress up around him like a little blanket. That will keep him a lot warmer."

Shocked at sucha suggestion, the wife snaps back, "Dammit honey, that thing STINKS!"

The husband turns and says, "That's all right, just reach down and hold his little nose then..."

While rolling he yells out to Evon. "I leaving you for sure this time!"

Evon runs out to the porch wearing nothing but a bathrobe. Yells out.

"Peirre, Pierre. What about the house Peirre?"

Peirre stops, thinks then started rolling some more Yelling "You can keep the house!"

Evon then yells out "Peirre, Peirre, What about the Kids peirre?"

Peirre stops, think longer and harder then started to roll away again. Yelling "You can keep the kids, I out of here"

Evon, then threw off her robe, show a gorgeous naked body, while yelling.

"Peirre, Peirre What about this?" While pointing to her body. Peirre turned the boat around and started back. Yelling. "Evon One of these days I going to leave you char"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."

A kind old lady met Roy on the street and mistaking him for his brother Danny said; "Oh Mr.. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible."

Roy said, "Well I'm not a bit sorry, she was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish the first time I got her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw.

"She had a big hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her, and one leaked all over the place. What finished her off though was four guys from the other side of town that came looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented her to them, but warned them she wasn't too hot. But they insisted they wanted to give her a try. The result was the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her and she cracked right down the middle."

They go into the first guys house and their is no sign of the son. "Ah, that's 'cause he's in bed. It's only 10pm, and he never gets up before midnight, if he ever gets up at all. I've never even caught him getting up for a leak."

And sure enough the son is in bed, wide awake, remote for the TV in hand. His room stinks.

"Hi Dad."

"Hi Son, can you get up outa bed now?"

"No, I'm quite happy here Dad."

"I'll give you $1000 a week allowance if you do."

"Nah, no thanks. I can't be bothered. I'll just stay here if it's OK."

The first father is needless to say pleased with the display of slothfulness his son has supplied the other guy with. Surely no-one can beat that.

"That's nothing." says man #2. "Wait 'til you meet my son."

So they go to his house and the son is lying on the floor by the fireside watching TV. The first guy isn't impressed. "He's bloody hyperactive compared to my son, he's even dressed!"

Then they go closer, and notice that the lad is crying, evidently in some pain. His father is unconcerned, but the first guy says "What's wrong lad?"

He wails back, "I'm burning."

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