KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A young ventriloquist is touring the Southwest and stops to entertainin a bar in Arkansas. He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says" I've heard just about enough of your smartass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in Arkansas." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up " You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smartass little fella on your knee!"

Grandpa, on the porch said, "I'll give you $5 if you can get the worm back into the hole."

The boy tried and tried, but couldn't get the soft, squirmy worm back into the hole. After a few minutes he went into the house and came back with a can of hairspray. He sprayed the worm. It became very hard and the boy was able to put it back in the hole.

The grandpa laughed and gave the boy his $5. "That was a good trick!" he said.

The next day, the boy was again playing in the yard when his grandpa came over and handed him another $5. The boy was confused and said, "What is this for?" The grandpa smiled and said,

"Your Grandma thought that it was a neat trick too!"

* 10 types of newsgroup users *

The Lurker - Never posts,never replys just observes

The Vulture - Never posts, but ready and waiting to point out any fault in your post

The Knit picker - Never posts but will break down, question and analize your post until it is no longer funny.

The Poacher - Never posts, but will reply to another post with a better or different punchline, stealing the laugh.

The Flame fodder - Usually a newbie who asked a lame question, usually in the wrong group. No mercy is shown.

The News cop - Only ever post to tell people they are in the wrong group or to stop spamming etc.

The Wacko - Will often post a message or joke which makes no sense. The wacko will never post again. strange.

The Spammer - we all HATE the spammer !!!!

The Stealth Spammer - Post Spams that need to be read before you can tell its a spam.

The Hero - This brave person often posts at the mercy of the Vultures, knit pickers and the pouchers.

Which are you?

EMERGENCY CASE

The doctor's new secretary was puzzled by an entry in the doctor's notes on an emergency case: "Shot in the lumbar region," it read.

After a moment she typed in the record, "Shot in the woods."

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NEW COST CUTTING MEASURES

To: All University Hospital Staff
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures
Date: May 21,1997

Effective August 1, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each Charge Nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties. Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or make arrangements with Subway, KFC, Dominos, etc. before meal time. Coin operated telephones will be available in the patients rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patients may wish to make.

Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts from their final bill. Time cards will be provided. As you can see on the "From" line above, administration is assuming groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawnmower, weed-whacker, etc..

Engineering is being eliminated. This hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life "HOW TO..." series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than 2 X-rays per patient per stay. This is due to the turn-around time required by Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra copies. Eckerd's will also honor competitors' coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures forecast, T.U. Electric has been asked to install individual meters in each patient's room, office, etc. so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nosocomical production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy, and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMO's formulary.

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that used to play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but finally a friend complained about him and I had him put to sleep."

"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."

"Had to", he replied, "Caught him using marked cards.

A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am ?"

"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers.

The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."

The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.

He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."

Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same.

"Thats an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."

Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.

As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.

Salesman says, "That'll be $25."

"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID $20?"

"That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.