KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

He went into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. I mean she was a knock out. She looked a lot like Karyn, she was tall, radiant, and very funny. Well, so they had a couple of beers, one thing lead to another and before too long, they ended up in her apartment. I mean how could he resist such a women.

They had the most incredible, most sensual sexual experience. It was amazing. After they'd had made love for hours, the man realized it was 3:AM and said, "Oh no,,,,,its so late, my wife's going to kill me!! Have you got any talcum powder?"

She thought to herself, talcum powder, what does he want with that? But she gave him some anyway, which he proceeded to rub on his hands and then he went home.

When he got home, his wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and boy was she ever mad.

"Where the hell have you been?" she yelled at him.

"Well, honey, its like this. Honey, you know I love you, I can't lie to you. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to get you cigarettes out of the vending machine. While I was there, I met this most amazing women. She was so beautiful and well we had a few drinks, and then one thing led to another and I ended going back to her place, and honey, I'm sorry... I've been unfaithful to you. I went to bed with another women"

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" exclaimed his wife. She saw his hands covered with talcum powder and and said,

"You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!"

A little boy lived with his mother and father. When his mother left his father for a cuter man, he got scared of the dark. One day, he decided to take a shower with his dad. When they did, he looked down and asked his daddy, "What's that?"
Daddy said, "That's Freddy."
They go to sleep in the same bed, since the boy is scared of sleeping alone. In the middle of the night, he wakes up and starts playing with 'Freddy.'
Daddy wakes up in the morning, and the bed is covered in blood, beginning from between his legs. He asks his son, "What happened?"
"Well," he answered, "I was playing with Freddy, and he spit at me, so I bit his head off!"

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker, and I charge $20 for sex."

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat, looking out the window.

"why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Barbara Walters is interviewing Neil Armstrong and she asks him "Neil, when you said 'One small step for man - one giant leap for mankind', was it extemporaneous or has you planned it ahead of time?" Neil responds, "It's funny you ask because that isn't what I really said. What I actually said was 'One small step for man - one giant leap for Murray Klein." A startled Barbara says, "That's amazing. But who is Murray Klein?" Neil smiles and answers, "Well, he's actually a guy I grew up with. We became very good friends and I was even a member of his wedding party. He once told me that ever time he asked his wife, Rachel, for a blow job, she would always sneer and reply, 'Yeah, sure Murray, you can stick that thing in my mouth the day a man walks on the moon...'"

A blonde walks into a bank and stood at the window of the cashier's desk and smiled. "I'd like to cash this check, please," she said handing it over.

The clerk examined the check, then said: "Could you identify yourself, Miss?" For a moment the lovely girl's brow creased over. Then with a bright look she fumbled in her handbag, produced a mirror, glanced in it, and with a relief said, "Yes - it's me, all right!"

1. The Case of Pregnant Woman
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She cant take it anymore and then she had him arrested. When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins', then she moved under one that read 'Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read 'William Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.' " He won the case.

2. The Blonde's Petition
Petishun
We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side. We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff. Sined by the blonds at the ofise
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(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

3. Military Humor
A Marine colonel tells his son (who recently enlisted), "Son I'm proud of you! I know today was your first parachute jump. How was it?".
The son is a little bashfull, and tells his father, "Well Dad, when it was my turn to jump I was to scared to do it.".
The father is outraged, "You were what? Well didn't sargent say something to make you jump?".
The kid starts blushing and says, "Well, he started pulling his pants down, and told me if I didn't jump he'd butt fuck me.".
The father can't take it anymore, and says, "Well, did you jump then ??????".
The kid says, "Well, yes. But only a little at first time.".

4. Tyson Chicken Account
A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church". The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed". The Tyson man smiles, and then says, "We are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...." Again the Pope replies, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed". Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread .' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves. Next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion". "The bad news is that we are losing The Wonder Bread Account".

THREE QUOTES

One should never make one's debut in a scandal. One should reserve that to give interest to one's old age. --Oscar Wilde

Our bodies are our gardens, to which our wills are gardeners. --William Shakespeare

Our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness. --Vladimir Nabokov

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QUOTATIONS

A fanatic is a man who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. --Winston Churchill.

None preaches better than the ant, and she says nothing. --Benjamin Franklin.

All husbands are alike. They have different faces so they can be told apart. --Anonymous

A yawn is a silent shout. --G. K. Chesterton

These really are good times, but only a few know about it. --Henry Ford

The best way to fight a woman is with your hat... grab it and run! --John Barrymore

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QUIPS & QUOTES

While I'm fully aware that money can't buy happiness, I wouldn't mind being known as "the melancholy guy who drives the red Lamborghini Diablo." --George Olson

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

A sacred cow exists only to be milked for laughs.

The Romans stopped having feast days because the lions ate up all their prophets.

Frisbeetarian -- One who believes that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana!

Sometimes I think, "Wouldn't it be nice if the whole world could just live together in peace?" But then I think, "Well, that really wouldn't be fair to professional wrestlers, would it?" --Lev Spiro)

I believe it was Albert Einstein who said, "It is impossible to both prevent and prepare for war." Gee, you'd have to be a rocket scientist to understand that. --Ed Smith

The great tragedy of science -- the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact. --Thomas Huxley

The method of science, as stodgy and grumpy as it may seem, is far more important than the findings of science. --Carl Sagan

The sun, the moon and the stars would have disappeared long ago, had they happened to be within reach of predatory human hands. --Havelock Ellis

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is, has left the path of wisdom. --J.R.R. Tolkien

Q: What has 14 arches and 100 munchkins?
A: Bill Clinton's jogging route

Q: What were the two featured songs at the Clinton inauguration?
A: Back in the USSR followed by Inhale to the Chief.

Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite color?
A: Plaid

Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
A: He keeps having to eat his words.

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TRAGEDY

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a REAL LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT and it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!"

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.