KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A man walks along a lonely beach.
Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks.
Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN !
Ok, the man thinks, lets open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
Well the casino is only a few miles away , so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27 !
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts.
Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
.....
The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: SHIT !

The following story is an excerpt from an interview with singer Tom Jones published in the San Fransisco Examiner 2/12/89.

The interviewer asked Mr. Jones whether he ever has problems with the husbands of the women who throw their underwear onto the stage during his performances.

"One night a woman came down to the stage to retrieve an undergarment and I gave her a big kiss. I asked her name, and if she was married. She said 'yes' and pointed out her husband at a nearby table. I explained to him that the kiss was all in fun and that I hoped he hadn't taken offense. He just smiled and said, 'Look, you pump up the tires, and I'll ride the bike.'"

A woman goes to the doctors, and says ' Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.'
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.
'Well, what is it ??' he asks.
'It's a bit embarrasing,' she replies ' These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.'
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks 'Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately ?? '
The woman blushes and says 'Well, actually I have.'
'Thats the problem, ' the doctor says ' Tell him his ear-rings aren't made of gold !!!'

A lawyer was approached by the devil one day. The Prince of Darkness informed him that he could arrange it so that he would win _all_of his court cases, make twice as much money, work half as hard, be appointed to the Supreme Court by the age of 49, and live to be 90. All he had to do was promise the devil his soul, the soul of his wife, his children, and the souls of all of his ancestors.
The lawyer thought for a minute, and then responded: "So what's the catch?"

Why are Ice Hockey goalkeepers and Italian girls alike?
They both change their pads after three periods.

Quote: "Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"

Q: How do you confuse a stupid person?
A: 7.

Q: What makes a woman pregnant, but not big-bellied?
A: Sperm-light!

Q: what does a man with a ten-inch dick have for breakfast?
A: well, this morning i had bacon, eggs, juice...

Two male engineering students meet each other on campus. One says to the other "Hi Bill, Where did you get that new bike?" Bill replys "Well, I was walking to class the other day when this pretty co-ed rode up, jumped off her bike, took off all her clothes and said 'You can have anything you want!'"
"Good idea", Bill's friend replied. "Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Two men were at a poker game that had run late; 3:00 AM to be exact

Man1: You know what I hate about these games? When I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight.

Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home", run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How about a little love woman". And she never even moves.

One day a journalist, hard-up for a story, was sitting on an Australian beach.
As he gazed pensively out to sea, he saw a young woman thrashing about in the water. Upon further observation, he saw a shark circling her. His adrenalin pumping, he wondered what he could do to save her. Then a well built young man, who was jogging along the beach, suddenly dashed into the sea, karate chopped the shark, killing it, and helped the young woman swim to the beach.

The excited journalist, seeing a fantastic story, ran up to the young man and said, "That was the most courageous thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm going to let the world know about this. You'll be famous. I can see it now, {Brave Bronzed Aussie Saves Girl From Killer Shark}!"

The young man turned to the journalist and said, "But I'm British."

The journalist replied, without losing enthusiasm, "Oh, that doesn't matter."

The next day, the headlines read, {Pommie Bastard Kills Girl's Pet}.

"Exxon today announced that, following the Alaskan oil tanker disaster, they now have several hundred tonnes of dead seafood covered in oily grit. This is about 20 years supply for Mc Donald's Fillet-O-Fish."

(From the San Jose Mercury News (3/31) (quoted from memory):)

Press: Mr. Vice President, if you were to suddenly become President, do you think you would be up to the job?

Dan Quayle: If such an unfortunate thing were to happen, yes, I believe I would be.