KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Q: What's the differnce between an Iranian funeral and an English soccer match?
A: They sell beer at an English soccer match.

How do you get 100 Liverpool supporters in a mini?
Get the police to open the doors for them.....

Q: How do you get fresh air into a Russian church?
A: You click on an icon, and a window opens.

James, I've decided to commit suicide. Drive over that cliff."

One day, when John was walking on the beach, he saw a girl crying in a wheelchair. He felt pity for her, so he walked up to her.
-Why are you crying ? He asked.
-I'm never been hugged in my life.
No problem for John, he hugged the girl and she was happy.

The next day, though, he was walking on the very same beach, and the very same girl sat there crying in that very same wheelchair.
-Why are you crying ? He asked.
-I've never been kissed in my life.
No problem for John. He kissed the girl and she was happy.

After a week, on a pier in Bournemouth (to be original...) he saw the very same girl, in another wheelchair, crying. (had to change from that tedious beach)
-Why are you crying ? He asked.
-I've never beeen fucked in my life.
No problem for John. He just lifted her out of the chair and threw her into the water.
-Oh no, I can't swim! the girl screamed.
-Yeah, I know, so now you're fucked !

A feeling common to most Canadians is that Americans, when met individually, can be so likable, while the country as a whole is not. The American I liked best in my travels about Europe was the young man I encountered one day at the Acropolis as tourists scrambled to record that crowning achievement high above smoggy Athens. He was standing outside the Parthenon, offering to operate the cameras carried by an endless series of puffing couples in pastels and pinks. He had grown so ashamed of the gaucheness and vulgarity of his fellow Americans throughout Europe that he decided the Parthenon -- the site of the photograph of a lifetime for Madge and Henry -- was the spot for revenge. He took all their pictures for them -- while carefully cutting off their heads or including only their feet. He cackled as he imagined all those tourists, safely back home in Iowa or Louisiana, finding out when the drugstore returned their Kodak prints that a saboteur with the same passport had betrayed them.

Allan Fotheringham, in "Capitol Offences: Dr. Foth meets Uncle Sam"

There's this pheasant standing in a field chatting to a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree" sighs our feathered friend, "but I haven't got the energy." (bit of a lazy layabout pheazzy) "Why don't you nibble on some of my droppings" replies the bull sympathetically "they're packed with nutrients".
So our hero pecks at a lump of dung and finds he has enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after some more eating he can reach the second branch, and so it continues. Two weeks later we find our plumed friend perched on the top of the tree proudly surveying the countryside where he is spotted by the local farmer. "What a beautiful creature" says the farmer as he dashes into the farmhouse. It is the work of an instant for him to emerge with a shotgun and blow the f**k out of the pheasant.
The moral of this minor tragedy? Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off...one jumped up and headed for the door...his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!"...Tom replied, "I'm not, but my girl friend's husband is!".....

Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blowjob.

Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Monday: Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.
Tuesday: Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.
Wednesday: Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of friends must part!

It's a nice hot summers day and two men are playing golf on a course that is situated near a main road. As he is just about to tee off on the 10th hole one of the men notices a hearse driving slowly along the road. He stops in mid swing and places his club on the ground, turns round, faces the road and removes his hat in a solemn gesture. The second man turns round to him and says...

M2: "Come off it, it's only a hearse."

M1: "But you don't understand, its my wife's funeral..."

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson, when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea. The man looks up to the heavens and says "Oh Lord, this is my only grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief."

Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet.

The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!"