KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Three prisoners attempt an escape from Alcatraz, but are caught and must be punished.

Prison Guard: "OK, the governor has prescribed punishment of three lashes each, but you may have on your back the covering of your choice. Jenkins, you first. What ya want on your back?"
Jenkins: "Oil."
PG: "OK, then. Slop it on. Good. Now... _ONE!_"
Jenkins: " AAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH!"
PG: "_TWO!_"
Jenkins: "Oh GOD! MERCY! MERCY!"
PG: "_THREE!_"
Jenkins: "AAAARRRghhhhh (faints)"
PG: "Next, you Baxter, what do you want on your back?"
Baxter (extra tough macho type of guy): "Nothing."
PG: "Have it your way... _ONE!_"
Baxter: "Didn't feel it."
PG: "_TWO!_"
Baxter: "Ha, ha, ha!"
PG: "_THREE!_"
Baxter: "No sweat."
PG: "Finally you, Goldstein. What you want on your back?"
Goldstein: "I'll have Baxter."

A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think it's the one in the coffin."

A farmer is about to visit his wife at hospital. He enters (at non-visiting hours), and is asked to sit down and wait. After half an hour, he began to be a bit nervous, so he started walking. After another half hour af walking in the waiting room, he began to explore the corridors. At the end of the first corridor there was a door. Next to the door was a push button, and a sign saying "push the button".
"Why should I push the button?", the man thinks, and turns around. After two or three steps, he thinks "Maybe it's best to do as the sign says", so he turns around again, and pushes the button.
Five seconds later, the door opens and a man asks "Yes? What can I do for you?" - Do for me??? I just pushed the button, the man says pointing at the sign.
- Was there nothing you wanted???
- No. I just pushed the button.

The man behind the door shakes his head and closes the door. Our hero, the farmer, starts his walk back to the waiting room.

After a few minutes he enters the corridor again, and of course finds the door, button and sign again.
He pushes the button, and out comes the man saying "Yes? What can I do for you?"
- Nothing, sir, I just pushed the button.
- Just pushed the button??? Isn't there anything you want?
- No. I just did as the sign says, the farmer says, pointing at the sign.
The man shakes his head and closes the door and our hero returns to the waiting room.

After another few minutes he enters the corridor again. Again he finds the door, button and sign. Again he pushes the button and the man pops out saying "Ye.... You again! What's the matter with you! It seems as fools are growing on trees where you come from."
- Yes, and here you just push the button, and they pop out, says the man.

Mother supreme is praying in the chapel, when she hears from outside a lot of yelling and laughing. When she look out of the window, she sees all the sisters riding around on their new bikes. And they have fun! But because of this noise mother supreme can't concentrate on praying, so she goes out and says:" Sisters, please! A bit more quiet, or you all will have to put the saddles back!"

It seems that in this small mid-western town a minister was given gifts by his congregation. An eldery woman comes up to him and presents him with several home-baked pies. He graciously accepts her gifts and heads for home.

Later on, he and his friends decide to try these pies only to find that they are possibly the worst examples of Man's cooking skills yet to be discovered. Try as they might, they could not stomache the goods and finally were forced to dump the entire lot into the garbage.

At the next week's service, the minister was greeted by the eldery woman again who asked, "Sir, did you enjoy my pies? I made them especially for you.." Not wishing to hurt the poor woman's feelings, and yet wishing to stay to the true course set for him, what could he do? Finally, inspiration hits upon him.

"Madam, as God is my witness, I can truly say that no pie like yours lasts long around our house."

This guy is in a bar, talking to this rather nice woman. He decides to try to get her to come home with him, and so eventually he persuades her to come back for coffee.

So he's sitting there, on the sofa; they're on their 4th cup of Gold Blend, and he's got to think of something pretty sharpish. "I know," he thinks, "I'll casually mention breakfast." So he looks up and says, rather nonchalantly, "How do you like your eggs?"

"Unfertilized, thanks!"

What do you get if you cross a Mexican jumping bean with a cucumber? An organic vibrator!

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't never going to stand in line again!"

Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

There was a girl who just started working in a bank. Every day, she noticed that a very attractive man walked by her office. She discovered that he was the bank president and that he made quite a lot of money. She decided that she would like to get to know this man, but she was not quite sure what to do to get him to ask her out on a date.

She went to her analyst and he gave her some advice. While she was around this man he suggested that she pretend a string was attached to the top of her head and that it hung down her left side to her waist. She was to also to pretend that a penny was attached to the end of the string. When she walked near this guy she was to pretend to hit the penny with her left hip. This, stated the analyst, would cause him to notice her.

The next day, she passed the man in the hall and began moving her left hip. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the penny... hit the penny..." Just as the analyst predicted, the man noticed her and stopped to chat for a while.

This worked well for a few days, but the man never did ask her out. She talked to her analyst again, and this time he told her to pretend that she also had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down to her right hip. Attached to this string was a nickel. As she walked near the man she was now to use her hips to first hit the penny and then hit the nickel.

The next day at work, she saw the man and began moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the penny... hit the nickel..." Just as predicted, the man stopped her and asked her out on a date.

After a few weeks and numerous dates later, the girl decided that she wanted this man to ask her to marry him. After talking to her analyst, he suggested she pretend she had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down her back to her bottom, and attached to this string was a dime. She was now to use her hips to hit all of these coins.

The next day they had a date, and when she saw the man she began moving her hips again. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime..." That night, just as the analyst predicted, the man asked her to marry him.

She was very happy, and began to make wedding plans. She also began to worry about her honeymoon because she was a virgin and was not well versed in the art of making love. She talked to her analyst again and this time he told her to pretend that one more string was attached to the top of her head and than it hung down in front of her to her private parts. He told her to hit the coins when she was making love to her new husband.

A few weeks later her wedding day arrived. After the ceremony the newly married couple rushed of to their honeymoon. That night she went into the bathroom at the hotel and practiced moving her hips. "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter..."

Soon they were in bed together and as they began making love she started moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... Oh, forget the small change... hit the quarter... hit the quarter... hit the quarter..."