KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A sailor walks into a bar with a wooden leg, hook hand and an eye patch over his eye. He and the barman starts to talk:
Barman: "What happened to you?"
Sailor: "Well, a whale bit off my leg, I was in a sword fight and lost my hand, and then a bird sh*t in my eyes"
Barman: "You don't lose you eye even if a bird sh*ts in it!"
Sailor: "It's easy when you have had the hook for only one week!!!!"

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a Gyn. appointment tommorow." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. Later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he wispers in her ear "Do you have a Dentist appointment tomorrow too?".

(Todays Journal for the modern viking)

* Three fast and tasty village dog recipes for the working viking who doesn't have all day to cook.
* War wound stitchery-Don't throw away those severed body parts. Needle point tips that can make that foot or arm good as new.
* Surprising reader's poll: 9 out of 10 viking women are not satisfied in bed. Find out what they really want.
* Burning pitch techniques that can really let you rain hell on your neighbors!
* Surrounded by intellectuals-How one viking escaped. By David-the-Saxon.
* Viking mid-life crisis-Is raping murdering and pillaging all there is?
* Is your son a Pansy?-A candid article by Erick-the-Red which every father should read.
* Don't let your viking tupperware party end in a blood bath-Do's and don'ts for a succesful evening.
* Detroit unveils the New 89 line of warships-Faster, sleeker, fewer slaves in the galley!

AT YOUR VILLAGE NEWSTANDS NOW !

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But George," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:
"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

Once upon a time, the vicar was walking in the vicarage garden when he came to a lily pond. There was a little green frog sitting by the pond.
"My, my, you're a nice little green frog, aren't you?" said the vicar.
"I'm not really a little green frog" said the little green frog. "I'm really a choirboy, but a wicked witch put an evil curse on me, and turned me into a little green frog. The only way I can be turned back into a choirboy is if some kind mortal were to take me and put me in their bed for a whole night; then I would be restored to my former state."
So the vicar, being a kindly sort, took the little green frog, and he placed it in his bed for a whole night, and in the morning, lo and behold, the little green frog was restored to his original form as a choirboy, and they all lived happily ever after.

And that Milord is the case for the defense.

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Andy says,"I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy,"and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues,"I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy,"I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

On an airplane (probably in the first class) a man says to the stewardess 'I'll give you $5000 if I can bite your breast'. The stewardess is scared and goes to the captain and tells him about this. But the captain says '$5000? Why not? Go for it!'. So she sits on the man's lap and he starts undressing her, touching her, fundling her, kissing her ... (you name it). After ten minutes (or so) the stewardess becomes impatient and says 'Would you please bite my breast now?' But the man says 'Oh no, that's too expensive'.

An {ethnic} couple decided to stay at a very exclusive, WASP only hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000.

'How's this? We've only been here one night!' the man was annoyed.

'So?', said the manager, 'this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up.'

'But we didn't use any of these!' explained the couple.

'If you didn't use - that's your problem.' came the reply.

'In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill.' said the man.

'What do you mean?', the manager was taken off guard, 'I didn't sleep with your wife!'

'If you didn't use - that's your problem!!'

A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor.
Man: Doctor, I have a terrible {FART} problem. I just can't {FART} stop farting.
Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay, stomach down, on the couch.
The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man farting all the time.
Doctor: Ah ha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment.
The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp spike at one end.
man: {FART} Oh my God! {FART} What are you going to do with {FART} that ?!
Doctor: I need to open a window.