KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Two guys, Stan and Ed, were working a construction job digging a ditch. The foreman was at them all the time to keep busy. No breaks, just work, work, work! Finally it dawned on the two guys that the foreman left every day at 3:00 in the afternoon. So they decided to start leaving at 3:15.
The very next day when the foreman left at 3:00, Stan and Ed left at 3:15.
Stan goes home, walks through the house, opens the bedroom door, and there on the bed is his wife and the foreman. Stan quickly runs back to the job and digs like mad until 5:00. The next day when Ed arrives at work, Stan says, "Listen Ed, we can't knock off work any more at 3:15... I almost got caught!"

Flabby Americans are always on the look out for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet) or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after three days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends that you've got a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope? Such is the Infants' Miracle Diet.

Over the years, you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians and distraught mothers, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offers great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on the diet however, be sure to check with your doctor, otherwise you might have to see him afterward.

FIRST DAY:

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one peice of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickle, four sips of stale beer. Before Bedtime, toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

SECOND DAY:

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast off kitchen floor and eat. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of Pulsating Pink Lipstick, and a cigarette (to be eaten not smoked). Ice cube if desired. After lunch, lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside and drop it in the dirt. Retrieve it and continue slurping until it is clean again. Bring it inside and drop it on the rug. Dinner: A rock or and an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

THIRD DAY:

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub fingers in hair. Glass of milk, drink one-half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast pick up sucker from rug, lick off fuzz and put on cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.

LAST DAY:

Breakfast: a quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive, pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2 cup sugar. When cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet, including bites of sandwich you spit out yesterday. One soft drink. Find sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

A man marries a JEG/KfS [Joke Ethnic Group/Known for Stupidity] woman and all is well for a time. And, as such things happen, they eventually are going to have a baby.

The woman's time comes, and as she is taken into the operating room, she calls he husband over and says to him:

"Honey, there's something I really have to tell you."

"Can't this wait" says the husband.

"No", explains the wife. "There is as an very old tradition in JEG/KfS families that the oldest living male *always* gets to name any new children born to anyone in the family. That means my brother must name our children. I know this comes as a shock, but I couldn't tell you earlier, because I didn't want to upset you."

"But, but..." sputters the husband "I *know* your brother. There's no question but that he'll screw this up!"

"I'm sorry" says the wife, "but that's the way it has to be."

Time is getting short, and not wanting to upset his wife any further, the husband finally relents. The blessed time comes, and to every one's surprise the mother gives birth to a set of healthy, beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. The father is of course delighted, but his happiness is tempered by the question he knows he must ask his wife. Finally, he can put it off no longer.

"Alright" he asks, taking a deep breath, "what did your brother name our daughter?"

"Denise" says the mother, quietly.

"Oh", says the surprised father. "That's a pretty name. Perhaps this won't be so bad after all. What did he name our son?"

"Denephew."

In a zoo, a woman sees one of the zookeepers trying to push a Camel into an enclosure. The camel refuses to move one inch. The woman says to the (male) zookeeper, "Here, let me help." With that, she goes behind the camel for a few seconds. Suddenly with a shriek, the camel gallops away into the distance.
The zoo keeper says, "What did you do?". The woman says, "I tickled his testicles". The zoo keeper says, "Well, tickle mine, I've got to catch the bugger now!"

It's christmas time, and the postman rings at the door for an urgent letter. She opens the door, asking for his request. Taking the letter, she said: "Come in, postman. I'll give you coffee and a good breakfast".
So he came in, took the meal. When he was ready, she said: "Come on, let's go to bed now." The postman was excited, went with her to bed, and they had fun together. Afterwards, the woman gave him a dollar-note.
So he said:" What the hell is the reason, you made breakfast for me, went to bed with me, and know giving me a dollar? I suppose the rest was enough!"
And she answered: "It is X-mas, and I asked my husband, what shall we give the mailman. And he said 'FUCK HIM, GIVE M A DOLLAR!'
But the breakfast was my idea...."

There _are_ some men who understand women. Unfortunately, they all spend their time in rooms with soft walls, talking to beings from Beta Lyrae.

Never give advice to people - they won't take it and will then blame you because it didn't work!

The human race has got to be the slowest and most boring sporting event ever started.

When Grandma visits her grandson,
he has to go to the little boys room.
Only he isn't capable to go there alone so his mother says do I have to go with you?
No says the little boy, I want Grandmother to go with me. Why Grandmother, ask his mother.
Well Mom, Grandmother shakes when she holds him.

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing buisness." "Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

A young sub-altern was posted to a British army detachment in the desert. On his tour of the facility with the master sergent, he noticed a group of camels. "What are those for?" "The men use them when they want to have sex..." "Don't say another word, sergent. That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Get rid of those camels immediately!" "Yes, sir."

A few weeks went by and the young officer began to get rather horny. He called the sergent over and asked "Where are the camels we used to have?" The sergent replied that he had sold them to a Bedouin that camped nearby. "Take me to them, please."

The officer and the sergent went over to the Bedouin camp and found the camels. The officer told the sergent to leave him alone with the camels, then picked out the most attractive one, and proceeded to have sex with the camel.

On the way back to the camp, the officer asked, "Sergeant, do the men actually enjoy sex with the camels?" The sergent looked at the officer in astonishment and exclaimed, "I don't know! They use them to ride into town where the girls are!"

A Belgian rings the doorbell of a brothel. The porter answers:
"Yes? What do you want?"
"I want to, er, get together with one of the ladies."
"Have you got money with you?"
"Yes, I have $10."
"I'm sorry, but that won't do. For such an amount of money you'd better jack off around the corner."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell rings again.
"Yes?"
"You forgot the $10. Here you are."