KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business.
One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a star of David.
Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs.
"Get this guy," laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal, "Trying to teach *us* how to do business!"

Once there was this white elementary teacher of an all {ethnic} class. Thinking she would be cute; she announced to the class; "Every Thursday afternoon we will have a quiz. And, If any of you get the answer correct the entire class can have Friday off."

The class murmers with excitement.

"OK, class", she announces, "How many grains of sand on the Sahara Desert?".
The class murmers in dissapointment as they look to each other for help.
"Ok, class, see you tomorrow", announces the teacher.

Later the next week.
"OK, class time for our weekly quiz, now try real hard. How many gallons of water in the Atlantic ocean?", asks the teach.
And again the class murmers in disappointment.

Well, there is little Gregory pondering this problem. As the end of the next week rolls around he takes two of his brothers marbles and sneaks into his fathers shop to spray paint them black.

As test time rolls around the teacher says, "Time for our little weekly quiz, children". At which, Gregory takes the black marbles from his pocket and rolls them toward the front of the class.
"OK, who's the comedian with the black balls?" shouts the teacher. "Bill Cosby. See Ya on Monday", retorts Gregory.

Why is American beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine.

Q: What do a condom and a BMW have in common?
A: They both have a dick inside.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95 % of her intelligence?
A: A widow.

An eager, but less than bright, young entrepreneur decides to go into the painting business. So he wanders into the rich part of town, paint brush in hand, and knocks at the door of a large house.

"Good day, sir. I was wondering if you had any painting you need done."

The owner of the house, a rich man by any standard, looks speculatively at the painter. He perceives a vibrant entrepreneurial spirit, which reminds him of his own ambition in his younger days.

"Hmmm. Yes, I think my porch needs a coat or two of paint."

The eager young painter rushes off around the side of the house...

Several hours later, he returns to the front door, his clothes dripping paint, and knocks again.

"Sir, I've finished! But I have to tell you, that wasn't a porch, it was a Ferrari."

A small report from the first European space flight.

The first European space flight is in progress.

On board of the space ship are two pigs and a Belgian.

During the flight the following conversation took place between ground control and the crew:

Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 1. Pig 1, are you reading me?

Hello, here is pig 1 for Ground Control. Reading you loud and clear.

Pig 1, how is everything?

Everything under control Ground Control. No problems.

Ok, pig 1. Just to check: can you repeat your instructions.

Yes Ground Control, when coming in orbit, press the square button, and depress the round one.

Ok pig 2, That's right. Over and out.

Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 2. Pig 2, are you reading me?

Hello, here is pig 2 for Ground Control. What can I do for you.

Pig 2, how is everything?

Everything is going smoothly Ground Control. No problems.

Pig 2, can you also repeat your instructions please.

Yes Ground Control, when landing pull the red lever and push the blue one.

Ok pig 2, That's right. Over and out.

Hello, this is Ground Control for Belgian. Belgian, are you reading me?

Hello, here is Belgian for Ground Control.

Belgian, how is everything?

Everything is going fine Ground Control. No problems.

Belgian, please repeat your instructions.

Yes Ground Control, feed the pigs twice a day, and be *&$@#& careful not to touch ANYTHING.

Three women are chatting about the various attributes of their men ...

1st woman: I call my man Long John, because he's got a loong john.
2nd woman: Well I call my man Big Dick, 'cos he's got a biig dick.
They then turn to look at their friend ...
3rd woman: Well I call my man Drambuie.
1st woman: What? That's a first class liquor isn't it?
3rd woman: That's right honey.

Old west... A bar... All of a sudden, the door opens with a kick, and a cowboy in black enters... Black hat, black foulard, black shirt, black trousers, black boots, black gloves, black belt, and a black pair of guns...

Everyone looks at him with fearful eyes. He approaches the barman, and asks:

"Do you have a bucket?"

Barman runs inside, finds a wooden bucket, comes back. The cowboy in black lookes to the bucket, and orders:

"Now, bring me three bottles of whisky."

Seconds later:

"Pour them into the bucket."

And, then:

"And now, bring this to my horse outside."

The frightened and surprised barman does what the cowboy in black tells.

He finds a horse, black as night, tied in front of the bar, completely in black harness. It drinks all the whisky at once.

Then the barman returns back inside the bar. The cowboy very carefully looks into the bucket, sees that nothing is left, and asks:

"What do I owe for this?"

Barman, while calculating the price, asks:

"Won't you drink anything?"

The cowboy in black replies:

"No. I don't drink and drive."

Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stork, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked "Papa stork, where were you last night?"

"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork.

Several weeks later, mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked "Mama stork, where were you last night?"

"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork.

Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold.

"Out scaring the shit out of college students," replied baby stork.

There was a man who had been stranded on a desert island for the last twenty years, when all of a sudden a beatiful girl steps up from the see, wearing a wet suit.
She: "Would you like a cigarette?"
He: "Sure" (he takes one from the wet-suit, light it, and smokes it)
She: "Would you like a martini?"
He: "Sure" (he gets the very special 007 shaken, not stirred, martini from her wet suit)
Then she says, with a strange gleam in her eye: "Would you like to play around"
He: "I don't believe that you have got a set of golf clubs in there!"

The man says to his wife: "We won't make it through this month without some additional money."
The wife says nothing. Two days after she says to him: "I've been thinking. I decided to go prostituting"
Then she shows him $100.25
The man says: "Who gave you the quarter?"
She says: "They all gave me a quarter!"