| 1391. Honeymoon
Honeymoon. Walking down 42nd Street they saw a sign advertising "The Great Gonzo" outside a theater and decided to give the show a try. So into the theater they went. There was a fanfare and The Great Gonzo came out on stage. He was a young man dressed only in a bathrobe. He opened the robe to show the biggest and hardest erection imaginable. Then he clapped his hands and a young woman emerged pushing a cart on the top of which were three walnuts. The Great Gonzo took his erect member in his hand and, one by one, smashed the walnuts to the thunderous applause of the audience. This year the couple decided to celebrate their 40th anniversary with a second honeymoon in New York City. While walking down 42nd Street they once again saw the sign advertising The Great Gonzo. With a bit of surprise they decided to check out the show again. Once they were in the theater the fanfare played and Gonzo, now an old man, appeared in his bathrobe. He opened the robe and there was the erection, as big and hard as ever. This time when he clapped his hands, his now-aged assistant appeared with a cart on which were three coconuts. To thunderous applause, he used his member to smash each of them. The couple couldn't resist going up to Gonzo after the show. They explained that they had seem him 40 years earlier. "But why," they asked, "did you switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well," he replied, "when you get old your eyes start to go." 1392. Businesswoman One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch: "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying." 1393. Fishing There were those two Poles that went fishing. They found a lot of fish and filled the boat. One of them told the other to mark this area for later time. He cut his initials in the boat. Then they land the boat. Suddenly one of them says: "Ooh, are we stupid. Think what happens if we don't get the same boat!" 1394. A buxom blonde wore A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz." "What a diamond!" "How lucky you are!" "Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady, "Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse!" The ladies buzzed and tsked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?" "Lipshitz," sighed the lady. 1395. Short ones
They have a new test at the Finnish police headquarters:
Q: How many East Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Kiwi's what does that make Cheeta?
Q: What do you get when you cross a frigid woman with an Apple?
Q: Why are fat girls like mopeds?
1st Person : I'm a philatelist - I collect stamps. 1396. Responses A poster in sci.astro asked why the moon appears larger on the horizon than at the zenith. The following responses appeared: (excerpts, revised)
From: brad@looking.UUCP (Brad Templeton) Actually the moon appears so much larger because it is almost twice as close to you when on the horizon as it is when it is overhead. When the moon is on the horizon, it is attracted by all the mass of the Earth you see running from where you are standing to the point on the horizon where you see the moon. Up above you, there is no mass of Earth between you and the moon, so the force is less. The massive force brings the moon much closer when it rises and sets. As it gets higher, the force is less, and it moves further away. Then it comes back in again. The moon is actually closest to the Earth when below the horizon, only you can't see it then. Those of us on the other side of the Earth actually get a really good view. Apollo reached the moon by leaving from the other side of the Earth when the moon was close.
_________ Of course, no one who lacks even a cursory knowledge of elementary physics can doubt that the above explanations have merit, but the primary effect is a physiological one. As one tilts his head back to observe the moon at the zenith, the lens of the eye is flattened by gravity and its magnifying power is decreased. 1397. Holloween One year at halloween the governor of Illinois was giving a costume party. all the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were. When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse". As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane" and so on as each guest arrived. Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe. "Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department The doorman asked "How shall I announce you?" The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation" "I'm very sorry sir" said the doorman in obvious shock I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering. "O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants" 1398. Three seminarians Three seminarians about to undergo their final test before ordination were taken by an old priest into a luxurious room, told to strip and then tie a small bell around their organ. Suddenly a ravishing girl entered the room, an one bell ding-a-linged furiously. "To the showers, Fogarty!" barked the old priest. Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling. "Sorry about that, O'Brian. The showers for you, too." Finally alone with the naked lovely, the remaining seminarian watched as the girl writhed seductively about him; yet he somehow remained calm and the bell silent.
"Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone!" the priest exulted. DING-A-LING. 1399. In a bus A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The busdriver insulted me" she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." 1400. How do you locate your car in a big parking lot?
1. Divide the lot in two and decide in which half your car is. |