KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Q: What to you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A: Cliff.

Q: What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
A: Doug.

Q: What do you call a man without a spade in his head?
A: Douglas.

A woman enters the butcher's.
"One of those sausages, please."
"Sliced?"
"No, my pussy ain't a coin machine."

You help a man in trouble and he will never forget you. Especially the next time he is in trouble.

"I'd give a thousand dollars to the man who would worry for me!"
"You're on. Now, where is those thousand dollars?"
"That is your first worry!"

Cartoon Law I.

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II.

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III.

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV.

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V.

All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI.

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII.

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII.

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX.

For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law X.

Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.

It seems this guy was an incurable practical joker, particularly when people got married. So when he got engaged he became very nervous and was constantly looking out for retaliation. But everything went smoothly. No problems at the wedding or the reception, and he and his bride left for their honeymoon.

After a long and wonderful night together they decide to use room service to order breakfast. He reaches for the phone:

Happy groom: "This is room 435. We'd like to order breakfast sent up."

Room service: "For how many people?"

Happy groom: "2"

from under the bed: "Make it 5!"

There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons. The first one says "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City." The second one says "My son has done better than that. He is the best Doctor in New York City." The third one says "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends....One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city."

Reminds me of another story. A black man and a white man were discussing God. The white man was certain that God was white, and the black man equally sure that he was black. Eventually they decide to resolve the matter once and all the next Sunday by praying in Church and asking God directly.

So they do that. and to their surprise a great booming voice comes down from above, saying "I Am what I Am".

"There you are," said the white man, "that proves it. God is white."

"How come? All he said was 'I am what I am'."

"That's just it! If God is black he'd have said 'I Is what I Is.'."

There is a story about the first Polish astronauts in space. One of them went out for a space walk and came back and knocked on the spaceship door. The other astronaut said "Who is it?"

A man was sitting at home with his wife and they were watching TV. He was a chain-smoker and suddenly runs out of his cigarettes. He says to his wife: "I'm going to the bar to get some more cigarettes".
At the bar he sees this gorgeous and attractive girl. They start to talk and then they decide that he will go home with her. There they start f*cking each other. Suddenly the man looks at the clock: "Hey, its 0:30. Time for me to go home".
He dressed, runs for the door, stop and says: "Do you have any talcum powder?"
"Yes. Why?"
"Sprinkle a little talcum on my hands"
She sprinkles a little talcum on his hands, then he went to his wife.
She YELLS: "Where the hell have you been?"
"Well, I went to the bar, met this girl, went with her to her house where we made love to each other"
She looks at his hands. "Don't lie to me. You met the boys and went bowling with them. I can see the talcum powder."

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.

3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what whey want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?" "A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"

Two English yuppies notice that an Irishman of all creatures has decided to visit their local pub. They decide to convince themselves that this guy is indeed as stupid as their prejudices would have it, and that in a - shall we say - rather intimidating fashion... So one of them walks up to him and says :

- Say Paddy, did you know that St. Patrick was a %$&$@@ ?
- No, says the Irishman, but thanks for telling me.
- Paddy, did you also know that he was a &^%&$*%@@!!% ?
- No, repeats the Irishman, but thanks for telling me.
- And did you know that he was a big &^*&^ son of a $#%$#%$##$%%^ ?
- No, says the Irishman, but thanks for telling me.

The other yah walks up to the Irish guy and tries to finish it all off.

- And Paddy, did you know that your beloved St. Patrick was ENGLISH ?
- Well, no - but your friend just told me.