KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

adjective: a chemical they put in your food
allocator: dangerous animal resembling a crocodile
ambience: special van that takes people to hospital
anomalous: doesn't have a name
antimony: money paid to a former spouse
aromatic: works by itself without manual control
bowels: the letters a, e, i, o and u
carnivore: people dancing and playing music in the street
catalyst: a man with lots and lots of money
citation: place where a train stops
cola: two dots
combatant: capable of doing his job
commutator: a person who travels daily between home and work
commuter: a machine that does sums
conservation: two people talking
dejection: processing that occurs in the stomach and intestates
deportment: part of an organisation
diffuse: to prevent from exploding
dissertation: pausing uncertainly, or dithering
electorate: you have to plug it in to make it work
element: large animal with a trunk
elicit: you're not supposed to have one
elocution: an electric shock kills you
elusion: something you can see but it's not really there
evacuate: to turn to vapour and vanish
extensive: costs a lot of money
faction: a half, a quarter, a third, etc.
formerly: in the correct manner
germanium: a sort of flower
guerilla: a large ape
hypotenuse: large grey animal that lives in swamps
incest: small animals with six legs
insulant: impolite; rude
interminable: within the organisation only
intestate: part of the body that absorbs food
invincible: you can't see it
lesion: listening to the teacher
mammary: the ability to recollect the past
manual: occurring once a year
minaret: a 19th century dance in three-four time
minuet: sixty seconds
omnivore: large red vehicle that carries people about
paradigm: place of great luxury and happiness
philately: telling someone he is nice
pogrom: what runs on a computer
porpoise: intention
preposterous: large grey African animal with one horn
purple: a tortoise that can swim
sellafield: sticky tape
semantic: of middle Eastern origin
sentience: sequence of words ending with a dot
sentry: period of 100 years
sinecure: unsure of himself
tango: you can't untie it
tempt: a canvas shelter
tenable: an octopus's arm
tropical: everyone is talking about it
uninhibited: nobody lives there
yuppie: a baby dog

Jesus is on the ferry across the dead sea when the ferryman says "It'll be 40 sestertii (Roman coin) for the crossing."
"Bugger that," says Jesus, "I'll walk."

Mary and Joseph at the door to the inn:
"Do you have a room for the night?"
Innkeeper: "You've got to be joking - it's Christmas!"

Why did the architect have his house made backwards?
So he could watch TV.
(house made == housemaid)

Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

"You hissed all of my mystery lectures. You have tasted the whole worm. You must leave by the first town drain."

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Children at the front seat cause accidents, accidents at the back seat cause children!

Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party.
And yet another guest went over and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
"Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden...

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him...

"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped..

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license..

" Well, son ", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license !!"

" Yes Sir", replied the young feller, " But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...

A father had two little sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist, while the other was a perpetual pessimist. One Christmas he decided try to temper both of their proclivities: in addition to their standard gifts, he told them they'd each get something "chosen especially for you!" His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he could possibly desire, while the optimist would be directed to the basement filled with manure.

On Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent the optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room filled with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he turned to his father with a sad face and said: "How can I possibly use all these? The TV will wear out, the Nintendo will get smashed, and all the other toys will be broken!" After a few minutes of listening to such woe, the father remembered his optimistic son, and ran to the basement steps.

There in the basement was his other son, swimming through the manure with a gleeful smile. The father asked him why he was so happy, to which the boy exclaimed "With this much manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!"

Free your spider collection.
Threaten bunnies.
Short-sheet the bed.
Gnash your teeth.
Drive at 25 mph on the freeway.
Snore loudly.
Take the last cookie.
Jam the pay toilet door.
Put gummy stuff inside books.
Feign serious illness.
Unscrew the salt shaker lid.
Spraypaint someone's fluglehorn.
Drop bugs on passersby.
Step on some feet.
Pour honey in someone's hair. When they are visiting an ant farm.
Tickle people with a branch of poison ivy.
Soap windows.
Pour honey in the mailbox.
Rake the leaves into your neighbor's yard.
Put your sneakers in the refrigerator.
Ignore everybody.
Go to the grocery and squish the fruits.
Turn on the sprinkler at a lawn party.
Clog the sink.
Ruin the punchline.
Be obnoxious.
Spread vicious rumors.
Put Superglue(TM) on the keycaps.
Enroll your friends in record clubs.
Don't use deodorant.
Use all the hot water.
Call somebody up at 3am.
Don't wipe your feet.
Talk gibberish during serious conversation.
Shout in the library.
Forget your mother's birthday.
Toss babies.
Burp.
Stare at somebody.
Break something.
Snore in a church.
Spray-paint someone's eyeglasses.
Stomp through the flower bed.
Don't leave a tip.
Put ink in the White-Out bottle.
Eat onions.
Stand in front of the TV.
Sneak up on people.
Put piranhas in the swimming pool.
Stray into other people's snapshots.
Teach someone tape-based batch Fortran.
Reveal the ending.
Leave a cow on your neighbor's porch.
Litter.
Drop your hors d'oeuvre and grind it into the carpet.
Point at people.
Put stones in all the shoes.
Smoke large black cigars.
Scratch someone's favorite record.
Squirt water through your teeth.
Never remember anyone's name.
Clip your toenails in public.
Throw waterbombs.
Hoard overdue library books.
Wake someone up violently.
Eat someone else's lunch.
Demoralize your friends.
Take up two parking places.
Press all the buttons in the elevator.
Leave a ring in the bathtub.
Put salt in his contact-lens solution.
Constantly interrupt.
Use all the toilet paper.
Scrape your fingernails across the blackboard.
Go wild with shaving cream.
Saw the leg off a chair.
Write insincere love letters.
Throw a tomato.
Eat sloppily.

Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"

Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"

Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."

Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."

They procede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"

Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."

Given :
a) There exists a single god called God.
b) God created the world in his own image.
c) The world is round.

Therefore, God is round.

Given :
d) There is no edge of the world.
e) The world is round from all points on the surface of the world.

Therefore, the world is spherical.
Therefore, God is actually spherical.

Given :
f) The world is not smooth, but, rather, it is lumpy.

Therefore, the world is closer to the shape of a golfball than that of a perfect, smooth sphere.
Therefore, God is a golfball.

Given :
g) The world is not uniformly lumpy.
h) The world is covered in parts by bodies of liquid.
i) Inconsistencies in a surface are created by chewing.
j) Sloppy chewing leaves saliva on that which has been chewed.

Therefore, the world is even closer in shape to a golfball which has been chewed on sloppily.
Therefore, God is a golfball which has been chewed on sloppily.

Given :
k) A golfball is a sports ball.
l) Dogs chew on sports balls.
m) No other being chews on sports balls.
n) Dogs are sloppy chewers.

Therefore, God is a golfball which has been chewed upon by a dog.

Given :
o) God is omnipotent.

Therefore, God is not impotent.

Given :
p) God is refered to as "He" in most literature.
q) God is omnisexual.

Therefore, God is male.

Given :
r) God required a mate to reproduce his image.
s) God is heterosexual.

Therefore, God created a female.

Given :
t) In the beginning, there was only God.

Therefore, God created the dog which chewed Him.

Given :
u) God created life.
v) God created only one thing (proposition).

Therefore, God created a female dog to represent life.
Therefore, life is a bitch.

Setting: A courtroom. Defense attorney questioning a robbery victim.

Defense Attorney: Mr. Smith, you were held up at gunpoint on the corner of Fifth Avenue and Main Street on August 7th, is that correct?

Smith: Yes, that's correct.

Defense: Did you struggle with the alleged robber?

Smith: No.

Defense: Why in the world not?

Smith: He was armed.

Defense: Then you made a conscious decision to comply with his demands rather than resist?

Smith: Yes.

Defense: Have you ever given money away before?

Smith: I didn't give it away, it was...

Defense: (interrupting) Please answer the question, Mr. Smith.

Smith's Attorney (the prosecution): Objection, your Honor! My client's prior financial history is irrelevant to these proceedings.

Defense: Oh no, it most certainly is not. In fact I am trying to establish a pattern here which may explain the happenings on August 7th. If the witness has an extensive history of giving money away, then his honesty about the so-called "robbery" would reasonably come under question.

Judge: Objection overruled. Please answer the question Mr. Smith.

Defense: Now, Mr. Smith, do you ever give money away?

Smith: Yes, of course.

Defense: And you do so willingly?

Smith: Of course. What are you getting at?

Defense: Do you enjoy giving away money?

Smith: Yes, that's why I do it.

Defense: Well, let's put it like this, Mr. Smith, shall we? You've given money away in the past. In fact it is quite possible that the defendant recognized you as someone who has quite a reputation for philanthropy. How can we be sure that you did not _want_ to have your money taken by force? And even if you didn't want it taken _this_ time, how can we expect the defendant to have known that?

Smith: That's ridiculous! If I had...

Defense: (interrupting) And how much did you give the man?

Smith: I didn't _give_...

Judge: (interrupting) Answer the question please Mr. Smith.

Defense: How much did you give him?

Smith: One hundred dollars.

Defense: One hundred dollars? That doesn't seem like a lot for someone who has given away so much money before.

Smith: Uh... It was very traumatic. I felt my life was in danger.

Defense: Yes, well we know that's your story. So you were carrying one hundred dollars in cash. What time did the "robbery" take place?

Smith: Around eleven at night.

Defense: You were out on the streets alone at eleven p.m. with one hundred dollars in cash? Doing what, for heaven's sake?

Smith: Just walking.

Defense: Just walking? Don't you know that it's dangerous to be out on the street late at night? Weren't you aware that you could be held up?

Smith: I hadn't really thought about it. I was just walking.

Defense: Are you sure you weren't _looking_ for someone to give money to?

Smith: NO! I was just out for a walk.

Judge: I will have no more outbursts like that in my courtroom, Mr. Smith.

Defense: And what were you wearing?

Smith: A suit.

Defense: An expensive suit?

Smith: Well, I am a successful business person.

Defense: Don't you think it is rather foolish to wear an expensive suit after midnight when you are carrying a hundred dollars?

Smith: But it wasn't after midnight, it was eleven pm.

Defense: So you do admit then that it _would_ be foolish to be out after midnight?

Smith: That's not what I said. I was just correcting...

Judge: (interrupting) Answer the question Mr. Smith.

Smith: No, I don't think that it would be foolish.

Defense: So, in other words, Mr. Smith, you were walking the streets late at night in a bad part of town, wearing a suit that practically _advertised_ the fact that you might be a good target for easy money, isn't that so? I mean, Mr. Smith, one might logically conclude that you were asking for this to happen.

Smith: But I...

Defense: (interrupting) The defense rests, your Honor.

Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
-Sam in Califoria

Dear Sam, Yes: run for public office.