KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

According to unknown sources, Visa International will be issuing Visa debit cards in Czechslovakia and Lithuania. Regular credit cards will be considered in the future.

There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees.

So the father goes to his son's room and says: "Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?"

"Oh yes papa, I remember very well," says the son.

"Well son, it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing."

A protestant moved into a completly Catholic comunity. Being good Catholics they welcomed him to their comunity. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor, receiving his paycheck on Fridays, began barbequuing some juicy stake, they began to squirm.

They were so anoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said :

You were born Protestant -
You were raised Protestant -
But now you are Catholic.

And so, the next Friday, the neighbors sat down to eat fish and were disturbed by the smell of roast beef from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he new he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinlking catchup on the beef saying :

You were born a cow -
You were raised a cow -
But now you are fish.

A Geneticist after struggling for 10 years, makes a personal accomplishment one day and goes to Bar to commemorate it that night. He finds himself a quiet corner and orders for a Triple Martini. Meanwhile a gorgeous woman aged about 30 enters the Bar and not finding a table for herself requests the Scientist if she could share the quiet table.

The two begin to converse after mutual introductions.

Jones:"Mr. Smith, what brought you to this place tonight?"

Smith: "Well! After researching for nearly ten years I have accomplished something personal and I am here tonight to enjoy it. And why are YOU here Ms. Jones?"

Jones: "I too have a personal accomplishment and I am here to enjoy it too."

Smith:"What a Coincidence!!!" "Ms. Jones! May I know what your accomplishment is?"

Jones: "Sure. I have been married for about ten years now and I could not have children. But today my doctor told me that I am pregnant." "And what distinguishes your work from others Mr. Smith?"

Smith: "I had this rare species of female bird with me and its male counterpart is found nowhere. In my attempt to save the species after trying to CROSS it with different species of male birds for TEN YEARS, today I was successful in doing it."

Jones: "WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!"

Two salesmen were traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.

In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.

About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:

"When we spend the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?"

"Why, yes I did."

"And did you use my name?"

"Why, yes how did you know?"

"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"

Around Holiday time we all get to see the family and pass on lore and gossip. One day a little girl was watching her mother make a great roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the great roasting pan. The little girl asked her mother why she cut off the end of the roast. The mother said after some thought that it was the way that her mother had done it. That weekend grandma came over to visit and the little girl and the mother went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. After some thought replied, because that was the way her mother had done it. Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl had the chance the next weekend to see her and asked again the questions. She looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "Why so it would fit in the pan, of course."

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Find them all means living forever.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There is a termendious [sic!] weight pressing down on the centre of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.

If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought.

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
What is a geek?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} A person who comes from Geece.
}
} You owe the Oracle an atlas.

Why are Fire Trucks Red?
Fire Trucks are always rushin', Russians are red,
therefore, Fire Trucks are red!

Three guys are debating who has the best memory:

Guy 1: I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.

Guy 2: I can remember my first day at Nursery School!

Guy 3: Heck that's nuthin', I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother.

Sign for a butcher shop with an attached slaughterhouse:

BUTCHER KILLS HIMSELF EVERY MORNING

Sign for an expert in made-to-order shoes:

WE MAKE SHOES EVEN FROM THE CUSTOMER'S HIDE

Sign for a gyneacologist who doubles as a general practitioner:

DOCTOR FOR WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES

Two male mathematiciens are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics.

The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematicien goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress.

He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.

She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'.

Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'.

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math.

He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'.

The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'!