KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A button a girl is wearing at a bar:
A HARD MAN IS GOOD TO FIND

"I have a short penis, is there a device out there to help me?"
"Yes. It's called a Porsche."

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

Do you smoke after having sex?"
"I don't know, I have never looked."

What do you call a IYFIG at University?
The caretaker.

Dr: We need to get these people to a hospital!
Elaine: What is it?
Dr: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

Condoms are like the federal government. Both give you a sense of security even when you know you're getting screwed.

What is the best secretary in the world to have?
One that never misses a period.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why do the Spanish put punctuation before and after a sentence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .It seems more natural to me that way. .That way, you can tell what the
} tone of a sentence is going to be before you start reading it. .In
} fact, they don't go far enough. !They ought to put all of the words of
} the sentence in front, so that you can tell what the whole sentence is
} going to say when you read it!

An 8-foot fluourescent light in a New York City office burned out, and the Big Boss said, `Fix it'. Naturally the job fell to the low man on the T.P., who obtained a new one and replaced the burned-out one without too much trouble. All he had to do now was throw out the old one.

He took it out into the alley and tossed it in a dumpster. One of the building's janitors saw him and said, `You can't put that there. There's poisonous stuff in it and it's against the law.' He tried to sneak it into somebody else's dumpster but didn't get away with it.

So, pretty soon he was walking down the sidewalk with a burned-out 8-foot fluourescent tube in one hand wondering how the hell he could get rid of it. It wouldn't fit in a trash can and after the `poisonous' warning he wasn't about to break it. Finally he got on a subway to try and find a dump.

Picture a New York subway. How do you carry an 8-foot-long glass tube on the subway? You stand it on end and hold onto it. Pretty soon somebody else grabbed on, and presently there were four or five people holding onto the light. The man thought about it for a minute and....got off at the next stop!

As far as anybody knows that light tube is still on the subway somewhere.

A guy comes to work speaking in a really hoarse voice.
His buddy asks him what happened to his voice.

He relates that he was playing golf, and sliced out of bounds into a pasture. However, he thought he could find his ball and went to look for it. He saw a woman looking for her ball, too. As he passed a cow, he noticed that there was a golf ball stock in the back end of the cow. He lifted up the cow's tail and called out, "Hey lady, does this look like yours?" That's when she hit him in the throat with a 5 iron.

A man is staying at a Vegas hotel and goes to play golf on their course. Before he starts, he buys 3 golf balls for $5. He has a very pleasant round.

The next day he decides to play a different course and goes to the one across the street. He also requests 3 golf balls and finds out that the price is $25! He protests, "Where I played yesterday, they were on the $5." The pro shop attendant explains, "Well, over there they get you by the room."

There was two businessmen, whose names happened to be Mr Turtle and Mr Carrot, and one day as they were coming back from lunch Mr Turtle says to Mr Carrot, "You know, you're getting fat", to which Mr Carrot says "You're not so slim yourself!". So Mr Turtle says "Ok, we'll see who is the least fit, race you back to the office" So the race starts, and they'd only got about a block down the street when Mr Turtle crosses the road in front of a car and gets bowled. Mr Carrot sees that he's in a pretty bad way, so he rushes to the phone and calls Mr Cabbage, the ambulance driver. Mr Cabbage duly arrives and piles Mr Turtle into the Ambulance and rushes to hospital. Mr Turtle follows and as soon as he gets to the Hospital he asks the nurse at Accident and Emergency, Miss Cauliflower, whether he will be alright. "Miss Cauliflower, Miss Cauliflower, will Mr Turtle be alright?" she replies "Well, i couldn't really say, you'll have to ask Dr Bean". So he rushes over to Doctor Bean and says, "Doctor Bean, Doctor Bean, will Mr Turtle be alright?" and the Doctor says "Well, I wouldn't like to say, you'd best ask the specialist, Doctor Pea", so of course, Mr Carrot rushes over to Doctor Pea and says "Doctor Pea, Doctor Pea, will Mr Turtle be alright?", and Doctor Pea says "I've done all I can for him, it's all in the hands of the Surgeon, Dr Turnip" So Mr Carrot waits outside the surgery for 3 hours until they have finished the operation, and rushes up to Dr Turnip and says "Doctor Turnip, Doctor Turnip, will Mr Turtle be alright?" and Dr Turnip turns to him and says "We did all we could, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life..."

Doctor to patient in hospital:
"Mr Jones, I have some good news, and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?"
"Do begin with the bad news, please."
"Allright. Your son has drowned,
your daughter has been raped,
your wife has divorced you,
your house got blown away,
and you have AIDS."
Perplexed, the man murmurs: "Whazze goonewz?"
Doctor says: "The good news is
that there is no more bad news."

Two guys recently dead was given the option to stay either in heaven or hell for the rest of their eternity. They asked if it was ok to look around first and to their surprise it was.

First, they went to Heaven. All nice-guys where there, dressed in white they sat on clouds playing harp. Quite a boring place, thought our heroes.

- Let's go to Hell, they said to each other.

Hell turned out to be a completely different scene. It was all bars, casino and amusement parks. Free drinks for everyone and a lot of people having a real good time.

Back from hell, the guys where asked to chose between Heaven and Hell. They both chose Hell.

Back in Hell, they were immediately scuffled in the back of a sub-surface car and driven to coal-mine. Someone gave them a shovel each and told to start working.

- What's this? The last time we where here they place was entirely different.

- Yes, but then you were tourists, now you are immigrants.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them."

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.