| 1611. Teacher's Day
On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, and said, "I bet I know what it is ... some flowers." "How did you know?" asked the young fella. "Just a guess," she smiled. The candy store owner's daughter gave her a gift. The teacher shook it. "I can guess ... a box of candy." "Yes!" said the little girl. "How did you know?" "Just a lucky guess," winked the teacher. The liquor store owner's son approached with a large gift. When the teacher shook it, the package started leaking. She touched her finger to the leak and tasted it. "Is it wine?" The boy shook his head no. She tasted again. "Champagne?" No, said the boy. "I give up," said the teacher. "What is it?" "A puppy!" Replied the boy 1612. DEAR OLE MUM (More silly words/phrases that we catch ourselves saying that remind of us of Dear MOM)
Don't say SHUT UP!
(From the 1940's)
The WRITING ON THE WALL 1613. To Prevent Disease... It seems there was a priest who went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. He dare not say anything!! After tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it. She said "While in town I found a package on the sidewalk and took it home. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease', and you know I think it works, I haven't had a cold all winter." 1614. Golden Oldie What might have happened if government bureaucracy were as entrenched then as it is now. Think about it.
The Court of King George III July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: 1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. 2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion. 3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. 4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify. 5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations? 6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement. 7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies? 8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators. 9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War. 10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking. 11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix. We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required. Sincerely, Management Analyst to the British Crown 1615. If men got pregnant Maternity leave would last two years ... with full pay There would be a cure for stretch marks Natural childbirth would become obsolete Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem All methods of birth control would be 100% effective Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained Men would be eager to talk about commitment They wouldn't think twins were so cute Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM Briefcases would be used as diaper bags Patenity suits would be a fashion line of clothes They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees Women would rule the world 1616. Experience? An Indian from a nearby reservation goes to a Whore house and knocks on the door. When the Madam answers he says, "Me want woman!" The Madam looks at him kind of funny and says, "You want a woman huh?" He replies, "Yes. Me want woman. Me got money." "But do you have experience?" the Madam answers. "Experience?," asked the Indian. "Have you done this before?" "No, but me want woman. Me got money." The madam laughs and says "I'll tell you what honey, you go out into the forest over there and practice with the knotholes in those trees and when you know what you're doing you come back and see me." So the Indian goes out into the forest and finds a knothole to get experience with. The next week he goes back to the whorehouse and knocks on the door. When the Madam comes to the door he says, "Me want woman. Me got experience." So the Madam sends him upstairs with one of her girls. When they get upstairs the Indian tells her to take off her clothes and bend over. When she does he takes out a 2x4 and smacks her on the but. "What the heck did you do that for!" she exclaimed. "Checking for bees." 1617. Come on guys.... A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!" 1618. 18 important things learned about life from action adventure fil 1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands. 2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room. 3. There are two kinds of women in the world: One type want to go to bed with you, and the other type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old. 4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my coworkers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me. 5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day. 6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me. 7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me. 8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy. 9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends. 10. My archenemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands. 11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman (see #7, above). 12. I will befriend at least one black guy, if white, or one white guy, if black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence. 13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly. 14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly. 15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly. 16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me. 17. If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.' 18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either. 1619. Medical Terminology Via Blonde
Anally -- occurring yearly 1620. Tale of Woe Tale of Woe Here's why you might want to reconsider buying that flowbee hair trimmer......... My wife is a sweetheart of a person, who I met for the first time while attending kindergarten in our home town of Marshall MO. She beat me up that first day of school. We were always friends during our school years and continued to be friends right up to the time we were married. We've now been married for 29 years and she has mellowed to the point where she seldom beats me up anymore, since it upsets the dog when it happens. About a year ago, my wife and I decided to "reward" ourselves for the last kid going off to college with a trip to Alaska and a leisurely cruise down the Inside Passage to Vancouver. It was to be a vacation of a lifetime for us. Planning for the trip went smoothly, with the only glitch being my good wife forgetting to make an appointment at the beauty parlor for the day before we were to leave. I spent the day before the trip straightening up my shop so that a burglar wouldn't trip over anything and sue me for his injuries. My wife came downstairs in the afternoon to ask me if I would trim her hair just a tad so that it would look better for the trip. Since I've been virtually bald since my days in college, I have always just cut my own hair with an old pair of Oster clippers that I bought while in college. There, I had learned the simple fact that food is more important than a professional haircut. In my shop, I have a 3-hp Jet dust collector that is fed via blast gates from both ducts in the floor AND via a 25' 4" flex hose that connects to the floor sweep/planer/jointer or other movable tools. Since my wife's hair is about 3" long, I thought that it'd be nice to hold the clippers inside the 4" flex pipe so that her hair would stand straight out from her head. This would make it easier to get a smooth cut, in my opinion. ***** Authors note: FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MIGHT BE SENSITIVE, quit reading right here For those of you continuing to read this tale of woe, here's what happened. This is absolutely true and unadulterated or exaggerated. My dear wife of 29 years, and the mother of my children, placed her rump on a stool I keep in the shop and proceeded to tell me exactly how much hair she wanted removed from the top, sides and bangs. I walked over to the DC, fired it up and closed off all but the blast gate leading to the 4" flex hose. With the old Oster clippers up inside the hose and me grasping the cutter end of them between my thumb and forefinger, I could hold the 4" flex hose with the other hand and maneuver both things easily. I leaned over my wife's pretty face and made the first cut- doing her bangs. The hair stood out perfectly from her forehead and the results of that first swipe was terrific. I figured that I would probably get some reward from a beauty college for my wonderful invention. The second swipe was from side-to-side just above and behind the bangs. It went equally well. Then all hell broke loose. I claim that my wife moved, but she claims that claim is merely caused by the random firing of obviously defective neurons in my addled brain. For the third swipe, I had walked around to the rear of my wife's head and was beginning to make the cut across the top of her head. Regardless of the cause (I still say it had to be her fault), the damn 4" flex hose somehow sucked down onto the top of her dear, sweet head. The clippers were running full bore inside the pipe and doing the job that Oster clippers are designed to do. The suction of a DC hose isn't great, but when even the most modest suction is spread over the area of a 4" hose (that conforms well to the shape of a wife's head), there actually is a momentary "grab." It startled my good wife, who let out with a squall and tried to stand up/ kick me/ brush the 4" hose off of her head and explain how I was mentally defective all at the same time. During all this, I was attempting to knock the hose away from her head as well. I naturally succeeded in dislodging it (actually, it probably fell off on its own), but it fell to the OTHER side of her precious little head. The result was that my wife now had perfectly trimmed bangs, followed by a bald stripe that went damn near from ear-to-ear across the top of her head. Think of it as an inverted Mowhawk that has been rotated 90 degrees. This was NOT what my dear wife had in mind when she asked me to trim a bit off of her hair. This tale now goes from bad to worse, because I tried to remedy the problem by tapering the hair toward the "kerf" and shortening up the rest. Saying that my attempts to remedy the situation were unsuccessful would be like saying that Custer was unsuccessful at taming the Indians. When that poor old woman finally got to the mirror, I knew that a personal Hell for me was at hand. It was. Now I stand just over 6', am in pretty good shape and tip the scales at almost 280#. My sweet wife and companion of all those years couldn't be over 5'-4", weighs a LOT less and has Multiple Sclerosis. However, she took one look at her new "do" and took off after me like a rabid doberman. She runs pretty darn well when she's mad. The things that woman said, and the things that she called me, have absolutely prevented her from EVER enjoying the pleasures of heaven, in my humble opinion. I got little sleep that night, since my good wife felt the need to wake me every ten minutes to further discuss the consternation I'd caused her, and to share her emotions and feelings with me. Since Lorena Bobbit had been in the news recently, I had very real additional reasons to remain awake and sober. We were leaving that next morning and there was no time for her to get a wig. We simply went ahead with the trip, with my wife looking (and acting) like a madwoman. Needless to say, the subject of her hair came up frequently. Whenever things would get a little boring on the cruise, I'd tell her, "Vicki, that haircut looks like hell," and it would start all over again. I tried to alleviate the tension by confidentially offering more rational explanations to inquiring folks than that she was "having a bad-hair day." I explained to our steward that my wife had been in a fight with a wildcat while knife-hunting in Colorado. I told our waiter that she had almost completely overcome a terribly contageous case of head lice. A waitress in the lounge was told that medication had almost completely curbed my wife's terrible impulses with butcher knives. Generally, I'd just comment to curious folks that, "She's much calmer now that the medication is taking effect." A year later, my good wife STILL winces whenever she hears my DC winding up in the shop. The hair has grown back and is as pretty as before my "trim," but the fleeting trust that my wife has for my abilities is certainly diminished. |