KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!

THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Runners-up:

[AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.

Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.

It has since been determined that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.

Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off.""He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips,"Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass,Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye.

Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.

Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."

No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
from the nightstand, buttons beep.
PC all set to download a file
and send the mail in a little while.
Then gather the news before the dawn
and all the scores from fans long gone.

The AC is set to cut back on cool;
Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.
Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff;
CD to play some, then cutoff.
Sleep-maker set on medium tension,
Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.

Burglar alarm on delay activate;
Carport lite on, for son who's late.
Mr. Coffee all set to percolate;
Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.
Air purifier cleans each hour tonite;
Water filter to fill the tank just right.

VCR to tape three good shows,
Something to watch during winter snows.
Motion detectors on, to check what moves;
White noise machine set to seaside soothes.
Camcorder is ready to film in a flash
Blender's all set, the fruit to mash.

Lord, Bless our all-electric domain;
Keep lightning away if it should rain.
Let no errant shock reset it all;
Watch over the breaker box in the hall.
I'm wide awake now from all this hassle;
God bless our multi-megawatt castle.

STUPID CRIMINALS

-- A convicted criminal, on the run for parole violations, applied for a job as a police officer. Garry Harrison, on the run for the last two years, passed the written and physical examination for a law enforcement job with the Pine Bluff Police Department. During a routine background check authorities ran his fingerprints through a national crime computer database and discovered that Harrison was wanted in Illinois for violating his parole. Harrison was convicted and sentenced to five years in jail for car theft and possession of illegal drugs. He was paroled in 1993 and illegally left the state in 1995. [Pine Bluff, Ark., AP, 06-27]

-- A 17-year-old youth was arrested by authorities for stealing a public transport bus because ... he wanted to get home. Authorities said the teenager appeared to be "deranged." [Paris, Reuter, 06-30]

-- A police chief is under investigation for keeping an amplifier his 15-year-old son was accused of stealing. Largo Police Chief Richard Kistner was placed on administrative leave. His son, Ryan, and two other youths have been charged with burglarizing a local high school. [Largo, Fla., Reuter, 06-25]

-- David Kisson was convicted of impersonating a lawyer and sentenced to four years in prison. Kisson was also ordered to repay more than $82,000 to ten of his victims. "I saw him several times in court and he seemed proud as a peacock," said one of the victims. [Toronto, CP, 06-24]

-- Two women robbed a convenience store after watching the movie "Set It Off." Armed with a gun, the two women took $531 and used the money to pay off court fines for writing bad checks. The women admitted being "inspired" by the movie "Set It Off," which featured four women bank robbers. [Oscala, Oscala Star-Banner, 06-28]

-- A bank robber wants police to return 500,000 francs ($100,000) he stole during several bank raids, after he was let out of jail due to a clerical error. "I simply want them to return money which was honestly stolen," said Philippe Thomas. "It's a scandal to have your savings robbed from you like that. [Metz, France, The Kingston Net Times, 07-02]

STRANGE LAWSUITS

-- A client has sued a dating service claiming he was introduced to the "wrong" women. Scott Solomon has filed a $2,000 lawsuit against Matchmaker International after being introduced to nine women. Solomon asked to meet "thin" women of "average intelligence." He complained that of the nine women, three were overweight, two canceled their memberships, one was married, two were reluctant to meet anyone through Matchmaker and one was a childhood friend who he did not want to date. Matchmaking claims Solomon failed to specify what he wanted in a female companion. [Erie, PA., AP, 06-25]

-- Annette Blenker has won $475,000 in damages from a Santa Rosa store, claiming she was permanently injured when a six-pack of beer fell onto her foot. Blenker originally sought a $2.5 million compensation for lost lifetime wages. [Santa Rosa, Calif., AP, 06-27]

-- A man is suing a supermarket chain because one of their promotions offered so many bargains he hurt his back carrying them. Dave Feuerstein used more than 300 coupons which offered discounts for merchandise purchased at a Tesco supermarket. Feuerstein made several trips to the store over a three day period. "Offers like this are too good to refuse," Feuerstein said. "Tesco should have been more considerate and make it impossible to do what I did. If Tesco hadn't had this offer I wouldn't have hurt my back." [London, The Sun, 06-23]

ANIMAL TALES

-- Police shot a 175-pound black bear putting an end to a streak of kitchen burglaries. The bear broke into homes by sliding open glass doors and climbing through windows. In one incident, the bear sat down on a couch and was greeted by a teenage boy who mistook it for his father. The bear was shot after what it was believed to be his ninth burglary. He died with a tortilla in his mouth. "If the bear wasn't around human influences, he might still be alive doing what bears do," said Colorado Division of Wildlife district manager Andy Hough. [Larkspur, Colo., UPI, 06-24]

BIZARRE DEATHS

-- A Russian diplomat tried climbing up a rope after locking himself out of his apartment. Counselor Anatoly Rybalchenko died when he fell from the fourth floor apartment. [Moscow, Reuter, 07-01]

-- A farmer died when he fell from the top of his silo and was buried under mountains of corn. [Thornbury, Philadelphia Inquirer, 06-26]

-- A man accidentally shot himself while explaining gun safety to his wife. Robert Shovestall, 37, thought the .45-caliber pistol was unloaded when he placed it under his chin and pulled the trigger. Shovestall's wife told police that she had complained about her husband's 70 guns when he tried proving to her they were safe. [Glendale, Calif., LA Times, 06-26]

THE WILD THING

-- A 36-year-old woman was convicted of raping and assaulting a man. Theresa Spickler-Bowe may face up to 30 years in prison for repeated incidents of rape and torture of a 42-year-old man between September 1996 and January 1997. Spickler-Bowe had her victim chained while punching, burning and raping him. [Spokane, AP, 06-28]

-- A 17-year-old student was expelled from school for running an escort business on his cellular phone during lessons. Although his activities were legal and the student maintained good grades, school authorities objected to repeated disruptions. [Enschede, Netherlands, Reuter, 06-26]

CATCH ME, I'M FALLING!

-- Teddy bear saves boy. Logan Newcom, 2, was playing hide-and-seek when he fell from a second-story window. He landed on the teddy bear and was not seriously injured. [Dubuque, Iowa, USA Today, 06-25]

-- A skydiver instructor is being credited to saving the life of his student when the parachute failed to open during a 12,000-foot jump. Garreth Griffith, 21, suffered serious injuries when he hit the ground on top of his instructor. Doctors said Griffith will recover. Michael Costello, 42, a skydiver instructor for 18 years, was killed in the fall. [Orlando, Reuter, 06-25]

BITE ME!

-- A judge is accused of biting the nose of a defendant during a bizarre courtroom incident. Bill Witten, 29, attended a bond-reduction hearing and made a derogatory remark against Judge Joseph Troisi. "Mr. Trosi stepped down from the bench, removed his robe, and there was a confrontation at that point," said state police Capt. Terry Snodgrass said. "During the confrontation, , Mr. Witten's nose was injured." [St. Marys, W. Va., AP, 06-30]

-- You have probably heard of the Tyson-Holyfield incident. Here are some newspaper headlines: - "Ear-Responsible" - Forth-Worth Star-Telegram - "Undisputed Chomp" - USA Today - "From Champ to Chomp" - The Herald-Sun of Durham, N.C. - "Tyson's Behavior Hard to Swallow" - Providence Journal-Bulletin - "Sucker Munch" - The Sun (London) - "Biting Back: Evander has public's ear" - Daily News, NY - "It's Tyson's Nature to (Ch)eat" - New York Post - "Pay Per Chew" - Philadelphia Daily News - "Bite of the Century!" - Arizona Republic - "Tyson Subject of Biting Criticism" - The Baltimore Sun - "Dracula" - New York Post - "Lobe Blow for Boxing" - The Tennessean [NT, 06-30]

SAY WHAT?!

-- Drug-addicted thief was declared a model citizen by Israeli police for returning a stolen bag containing a bomb. Motti Ashkenazi stole the bag from a crowded beach in Tel Aviv. "The instant he positively identified the device, he demonstrated good citizenship ... this is what we expect from other citizens," said Chief Nitzav Sholmo. [Jerusalem, Reuter, 06-23]

-- Chow Au King of Hong Kong kept the body of her dead husband in their apartment for three years. King, 59, washed, changed its clothes and slept next to it every day. Neighbors said the couple had a life-long model relationship. King was hoping her husband would wake up some day. She cried and begged authorities not to remove the body. [Hong Kong, Reuter, 06-24]

-- Malaysian students will be required to scrub and clean school bathrooms. Education Minister Najib Abdul Razak said: "What is the point of becoming a developed nation if our people do not value cleanliness?" [Kuala Lampur, AP, 06-24]

-- A 30-year-old Swiss woman covered herself with 82 large African scorpions in an attempt to break the world record. There was only one problem: they tickled too much. The woman fakir performed her act at a fair near Lausanne. [Geneva, Reuter, 06-25]

-- A naked fiddler has been giving nightly concerts on the roof of the city's town hall roof. The man, who is described as "elderly and rather corpulent", leaves through the back of the building each night without leaving his name. He told his growing audience he'd rather stay anonymous so he'll not be bombarded with fan mail. [Lund, Sweden, NZ Herald, 06-29]

-- Ramon Rodriguez, 90, refused to sell his home and allow the construction of a commercial bank in its place. The bank decided to go ahead with the project and wrap the bank, horseshoe-style, around his house. Overton Bank and Trust Dallas owns the land surrounding his house. [Dallas, LB Press-telegram, 06-26]

-- Rita Rupp, 57, was prepared in case of a kidnapping by carrying a note inside her purse which read "HELP KIDNAPPED." Everything was well until the note, wrapped in a $20 bill to attract attention, fell out of her purse and was discovered by a janitor. Police put out an all point bulletin in search for the woman and soon concluded it was a false alarm. [Auburn, Mass., AP, 06-25]

-- Three-year-old Levi Panovitch received jury summons telling him to report for duty at the El Paso County courtroom. His mother, Tonya, will take her son to his jury date. "I know what the lady is going to say: 'We told you not to bring your children,'" she said. "And I'm going to say, 'This is juror number 53.'" [Colorado Springs, Colo., AP, 06-27]

-- Bill Williams, 72, was banned from playing pool at a local pub because he takes too long over each shot. "A normal game of pool lasts about seven minutes, but they would keep going for up to two hours," said Colwyn pub owner Tom Swords. [Lea Bank, Birmingham, UK, NZ Herald, 06-29]

-- Sam Kaplan, 65, attracted a lot of attention when he placed a large advertisement in the back of his pickup truck. Kaplan was looking for a wife. Unfortunately for Kaplan he also attracted the attention of his real wife who he was still legally married to. [Tampa, Tampa Tribune, 06-27]

BITS AND PIECES

-- A student was expelled from a school teaching the Irish language because she said "pardon me" in English when she sneezed. ** A drunk freight-carrier driver hit an Air Georgia aircraft at Frankfurt airport. ** Brazilian police arrested two Americans for stealing three meteorites from Rio de Janeiro's National Museum. ** Thieves in Johannesburg used pigeons to fly stolen diamonds out of a mine. ** Carlos Diaz was convicted to 18 years to life for robbing a man of $20 and a watch while being armed with a zucchini. The defense attorney has argued that Diaz was just ... shopping for vegetables. ** A California man who videotaped himself cooking methamphetamine was sentenced under the state's "three strikes" law. Aaron Yost was sentenced to 35 years to life in prison. ** A gray cat, Sparky, was trapped on a utility pole and survived thunderstorms, a jolt by a 7,500-volt power line and a 40-foot fall in an incident which left 1,000 residents without electricity and started a small fire. ** The armored car driver suspected of stealing $2.7 million left a postcard inside the vehicle which read: "Is Paris this nice this time of the year? Oui. Bye." **

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the one say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter" - that did it."

Top 15 Signs Your Company is Planning a Layoff

15. CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe."

14. Dr. Kervorkian hired as "Transition Consultant."

13. Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, "It's Now Safe to Start Looking for Work."

12. Company softball team down-sized to chess team.

11. Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.

10. Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."

9. Company president now driving a Hyundai.

8. Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth.

7. Old Milwaukee is beer of choice at company picnics.

6. Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by.

5. Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.

4. Babes in Marketing suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager.

3. Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Outlet.

2. Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.

And the number 1 sign Your Company is Planning a Layoff.............

1. President begins weekly meetings, "Good morning, you ignorant bastards."

After a particularly inspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor. "Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published."

The pastor replied, "Actually, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously."

"Great!" ethused the church member. "The sooner the better!"

1. Whenever possible, please keep us late. We have no homes to go to and are only too thankful to spend the evening here.

2. Send us out to cash your checks and buy stamps in all weather. Walking is exhilarating and as we sit down all day, the exercise does us good.

3. Do walk out of the office without telling us where you are going or how long you might be. We enjoy telling people who wish to contact you urgently that we have no idea where you are or when you will return.

4. When dictating, please parade up and down the room and practice your golf strokes, or better still, walk out of the room. We can understand what is said more distinctly.

5. Please lower your voice to a whisper when dictating names of people and places. Under no circumstances spell them to us. We are sure to hit the right way sooner or later.

6. Should a letter require a slight alteration after it is typed, score the word heavily through about four times and write the correct word beside it, preferably in ink or felt-tip pen. Always make the alteration on the top copy.

7. Please dictate a paragraph and change your mind, with the corrected version following, particularly when using dictating equipment. It adds variety to our typing.

8. Hours for dictation: during the lunch hour, or any time after 4:30 p.m.

9. Should you wish to write out a letter or report, please write with a blunt pencil using the left hand, and use plenty of arrows, balloons and other diagrams.

10. Remember when asking us to place a long distance call, you must be very fast on your feet to get out of the office before the call comes through.

11. If possible, always pick up your calls on your secretary's phone. This ensures that we cannot pick up calls for any other people on our own phones. It also helps keep us company. We miss you during the day.

12. When you have given us a rush project, be sure to use your intercom line frequently, or call us at regular intervals of 60 seconds to ask us to get minor items and to go for coffee.

13. If you are being paged, please ignore it. We usually have no particular reason for wanting to locate you and enjoy hunting you down or taking messages.

14. Please do interrupt us while we are speaking on the telephone. We have two ears, so we might as well use both of them at the same time.

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sappling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me...in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood.

What do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother!"