| 1631. Two missionaries...
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there. As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary said, "I just pee'd in the soup!" 1632. Wauism - The Religion For You* Dear Friendly Friend: How many times have you wanted to fill that yawning spiritual void in your life but just weren't able to find the time or the energy? How often have you wanted to form a more personal relationship with a Higher Authority but just couldn't get turned on by that same old tired selection of Supreme Beings? Haven't you ever wished there was just one religion out there that understood you, Friendly Friend, that indulged you, one that fit in with your creative, dynamic lifestyle? Well, at last, thanks to the Creators of Wauism, there is. Finally, there's a faith that works for you, Friendly Friend, instead of the other way around. After all these years, and following an in-depth market research study, Wauists Worldwide (A full-service non-profit agency not affiliated with CBS International) has come up with a religion that draws upon the best features of some of the world's most popular denominations, but goes them all far better! Yes, Friend, that's right! Wauism is everything some religions are and much, much more. It's not just a job, it's an adventure; it's a breath mint, and a candy mint; it's everything you always wanted in a God and less. Designed using the latest in CAR (Computer-Aided Religion) technology, here's just a few of the features Wauism offers: 1. Guaranteed Salvation. Guaranteed. Other religions require you to behave a certain way in the here-and-now in order to make out in the hereafter; with Wauism, you can do whatever you want, because your salvation is guaranteed! Wauism realizes you've got enough to worry about in life without having to be nervous about where you're headed after you die, so relax! As a Wauist, death means never having to have said you're sorry. Whatever Heaven you want is yours; or if you'd rather just be dead, that's fine, too. 2. Your Choice of Supreme Being. No more arguing about who's more all-powerful, Jesus or Mohammed, Buddha or Joseph Smith. Stop fighting about whether Allah could take The Holy Ghost in a wrestling match. End the endless bickering over whether the Supreme Deity is a He or a She. With Wauism, you can choose. Using the patented Godolyzer, you make God in your image. Combine Jesuss' hairdo with Mother Nature's eyes. Add the musical flair of Krishna to the sexual swagger of Zoroaster. You want a Lord who's vengeful but also knows how to rock? No problem. Using the Godolyzer, with or without the templates provided, you make the call. 3. Eat Whatever You Want. Remember fish sticks on Friday? Or how about unleavened bread? And who--try as they might--can forget "bitter herbs?" Well, now, thanks to Wauism, you can. As a Wauist, you'll never have to tongue another Eucharist wafer off of your palate or nurse another hangover brought on from sacramental wine again. Glut your maw however you'd like, whenever you'd like. Eat all you want, just want all you take. 4. More Efficient Commandments. Some religions take as many as Ten Commandments to lay down their laws. Wauism, using the latest in data-compression techniques, has significantly reduced the number of Commandments and has also managed to dramatically decrease their stringency. Think of them simply as a Couple of Suggestions, and if you'd rather not, hey, Friend, that's quite all right, too. 5. No Sexual Taboos. Has anything turned more people away from the power above the heavens than the power below their waists? Wauism doesn't have the problem, because as a Wauist, you Friendly Friend, can stick or get stuck however you want with whom or whatever you want whenever or wherever you want. As long as no one gets hurt--or just if they want to--Wauism says have fun. And be safe. 6. More and Better Holidays. Even the most fun-loving religions usually have only half a dozen or so major holidays a year. And often several of these are days of atonement or fasting. Wauism, on the other hand, features a full complement of 365 full-scale religious holidays a year! 366 for leap year. And all include presents and feasting. 7. No Hazing Rituals. No hitting with sticks. No drenchings in water. No knives aimed at your privates. Need we say more? 8. No Annual Fee. Because of low overhead (no Gothic cathedrals to keep up, no sacred texts to maintain, no Crusades to mount) Wauism is offered to you entirely free! A letter now and again would be nice, but hey, don't sweat it. 9. 100% Compatibility. Wauism does not require you to change or upgrade any of your existing religious or sectarian beliefs. It is in no way mutually exclusive. You can be a Wauist and anything else you want, too--even Republican. 10. Quit at Any Time. No forms to fill out, no messy dyes to spill, no one will call you. You can be a Wauist one day and something else the next. Change hourly if you'd like. By the second if you'd prefer. Or, be a Wauist forever. It's entirely up to you. So, there you have it, Friend, in a nutshell--a pistachio to be exact. With Wauism, you get all the plusses of other religions with none of the minuses. It's like having your cake and eating it, too. Heck, it's like owning the whole bakery! And because you, Friendly Friend, are who you are, and only sometimes somebody else, you have been selected to participate in this charter membership offer. As a Wauist, you'll enjoy the benefits of the world's only computer-designed faith as well as the peace of mind of knowing if the Armageddon does come, it's not your fault! So, join today and start receiving the benefits immediately. All you have to do is whatever you want. Make no phone calls unless you feel so inclined. Write no letters unless it strikes your fancy. Send no money, unless you want to. Be a Wauist or don't be. You are still surrounded in a cone of love. Sincerely, D.A. LeTang Wauist P.S. This offer never expires, relax and breathe deep. 1633. A visit to the Doc:) A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctors asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if I would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again. After she had, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.
"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you". 1634. Strange but true... Stewardesses and reverberated are the two longest words (12 letters each) that can be typed using only the left hand. The longest word that can be typed using only the right hand is lollipop. Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1. A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein. The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed." The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic." The shape of plant collenchyma cells and the shape of the bubbles in beer foam are the same - they are orthotetrachidecahedrons. The word 'pound' is abbreviated 'lb.' after the constellation 'libra' because it means 'pound' in Latin, and also 'scales'. The abbreviation for the British Pound Sterling comes from the same source: it is an 'L' for Libra/Lb. with a stroke through it to indicate abbreviation. Sames goes for the Italian lira which uses the same abbreviation ('lira' coming from 'libra'). So British currency (before it went metric) was always quoted as "pounds/shillings/pence", abbreviated "L/s/d" (libra/solidus/denarius). Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead". Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head." Camel's milk does not curdle. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan. All porcupines float in water. Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio. Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ? The world's largest wine cask is in Heidelberg, Germany. Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom." Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town. St. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers. The first song played on Armed Forces Radio during operation Desert Shield was "Rock the Casba" by the Clash. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. Non-dairy creamer is flammable. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.) Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanastan. The names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru: See no evil, Mikazaru: Hear no evil, and Mazaru: Speak no evil. When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar. 1635. TOP TEN RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T KEEP IN 1998
10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get
another 1.44MB disk. 1636. The Exam The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy gallivanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class. Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this guy standing in the front of the room barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said "pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room". Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty ... almost an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam. "What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he waited) It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time. "Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently. "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the professor gloated, "Your exam is an hour late. You've FAILED it and, consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat my course." The student smiled slyly and asked the professor "Do you know who I am?" "What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed no sign of emotion. The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?" "NO", snarled the professor. The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall. 1637. Read Between The Lines??? Sir, While working with Mr. Murphy, I have always found him working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be found chit-chatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be classed as outstanding, and should on no account be dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Murphy should be pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be sent as soon as possible. Sd/- Branch Manager PS: MURPHY WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT MAILED TO YOU TODAY. KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE LINES 1,3,5... FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM. REGARDS
Sd/- 1638. Way to note that someone does not have a full deck. A bad spot on the disk. A bun short of a dozen. A couple of open splices. A couple of volts below threshold A couple of revisions behind. A cup and saucer short of a full place setting. A few beers short of a six-pack. He's got all six cans, but he's missing the little plastic thing that holds them together. A few beans short of a burrito A few bits shy of a word. A few bombs short of a cluster A few bricks shy of a load. Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing. A few clowns short of a circus. A few drops short of a piss. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. A few holes short of a whiffle ball. A few pages stuck together. A few peas short of a casserole. A few pickles short of a jar. A few planes short of an Air Force. A few tiles short of a successful re-entry. A few tokens short of a toaster. A few yards short of the hole. A fool's fool. A hole in his bag of marbles A kangaroo loose in the top paddock. A little light in his loafers. A loose chip on the microprocessor board. A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill A notch off the timing mark. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on. A sausage short of a barbecue. A short-circuit between the earphones. As bright as a burnt out light bulb. As fucked up as a football bat. A victim of retroactive birth control. A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth About as bright as a small appliance bulb. About as bright as a black hole. About as sharp as a bowling ball. About as sharp as a pin head. About as sharp as a sack of wet mice. About as sharp as jello. About four cents short of a nickel. All booster - no payload. All crown - no filling. All his eggs in the same basket. All the lights don't shine in his marquis. All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag. Always in the right place, but at the wrong time. Always sharpening his sleeping skills. A Macintosh user An 8080 in a 68000 environment. An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese. A return with no gosub. As brilliant as a nightlight. As flakey as a snowstorm. As thick as two short planks. As sharp as a marble. Attic's a little dusty. Back burners not operating. Bats in the belfry. Been napping in front of the ion shield again. Been playing in the pharmacy section again. Been playing with his wand too much. Been short on oxygen one time too many. Been using his head as a mass driver. Blew his O-rings. Blew the hatch before the lock sealed. Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel. Born a day late, and like that ever since. Born ugly and losing ground ever since. Bright as a tulip bulb. Bright as Tuktoyaktuk in December Bubbles in his think tank. Buffer is full. Caboose seems to be pulling the engine. Calling him stupid is an insult to stupid people. Carries a tire gauge in her purse. Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat. Chimney's clogged. Clock doesn't have all its numbers. Comes from a long line of first cousins Constipation of the brain and diarrhea of the mouth. Contributes to the population problem. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heel. CPU not connected to the bus. "Cuca fundida" (pron. 'cooka funjida'; means 'melted brain'; Brazil) Cursor's flashing, but there's no response. Diagnosable. Does mental aerobics. Doesn't have all his cups in the cupboard. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't have his shit in one sock. Doesn't have all of his groceries in the same bag. Doesn't have all the dots on his dice. Doesn't have all the pens in her plotter. Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on. Doesn't have enough sandwiches for a picnic. Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate. Doin' 30 on the freeway. Donated her body to science... before she was done using it. Driving with two wheels in the sand. Dropped her second stage too soon. Dumb as a box of mentally handicapped rocks. Dumber than a chicken. Dumber than a box of hair. Dumber than a box of Mexican jewelry. Dumber than a bag full of hammers. Dumber than shit on a biscuit. (Appalachian accent preferred) Echoes between the ears. Elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Elevator goes all the way to the top, but the door doesn't open. Elevator is stuck between floors. The eyes are open, the mouth moves but mister brain has long since departed! Finds a flat by swapping tires. Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention-span. Fired retro-rockets a little late. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Fucked up as a soup sandwich. Full throttle, dry tank. Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench. Got a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express (fr "Barney Miller") Got too many birds on his antenna. Gyros are loose. Had a head crash. Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain Half a quart low. Has an ego like a black hole. Has a few wait states. Has a mind like a sieve. Has a one-bit brain with a parity error. Has a photographic memory; too bad there's no film in the camera. Has a room-temperature IQ. Has a screw loose. Has a slow clock. Has bubbles in her think tank. Has his solar panels aimed at the moon. Has it floored in neutral. Has no upper stage. Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard. Hasn't got enough sense to come in out of the rain. Hasn't got enough sense to stay out in the rain. ('60s flower child) Has the IQ of an ice cube. Head whistles in a crosswind. He can be outwitted by a jar of marshmallow fluff. He doesn't have both oars in the water. He has both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat! He has ROM (for a stubborn person). He has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent" He has two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it. He left the store without all of his groceries. He's about as smart as bait. He's a scrotum... halfway between a prick and an asshole. He's flying on one engine. He's got a mind like a steel sieve. He's got a mind like a steel trap - anything entering gets crushed and mangled. He's got a mind like a steel trap -- full of mice. He's got a mind like a steel trap -- nothing in, nothing out. He's got a mind like a steel trap -- rusty and stuck closed. He's got the attention span of an overripe grapefruit. He's in, but he's out to lunch. He's not running on full thrusters. He's paged-out. He's running at 300 baud. He's swapped out. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. 1639. Dopey A priest was saying Mass one day and suddenly felt a tug on his vestments. He turned around and saw Dopey (of the Seven Dwarfs) standing beside him. "Father," he asked, "are there any midget nuns in the parish?" "No, my son," the priest replied and went back to saying Mass. He felt another tug at his vestments and turned to see Dopey still there. "Well, Father, are there any midget nuns in the town?" "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the town. Go back to your seat." The priest turned and resumed saying Mass, when he felt yet another tug at his vestments. Somewhat annoyed, he turned and found Dopey still standing beside him, a look of concern on his face. "Father, are there any midget nuns in the country?" Incensed by the dwarf's persistent questions the priest shouted angrily, "For the last time, there are no midget nuns in the parish, in the town, in the country or in the entire universe! Now go back to your seat!" Dejected, Dopey walked down the steps of the altar and down the long aisle, and as he approached the back of the church the priest heard little voices in the back singing "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin...." 1640. Why?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? |