| 1641. She loves to screw...
The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. "Do you like to screw?" he asks. "Huh?!" replied the surprised first date. "My daughter, she loves to screw and she's good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father. Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir." Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, it's the TWIST, get it right!" 1642. Seminars for Women Once again, the male staff will be offering courses to women of all marital status. Please note, homework is mandatory. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
1. Combatting the Impulse to Nag 1643. MIT Application The first letter is one MIT sends out, The second is one they got back. April 18, 1994
Mr. John T. Mongan Dear John: You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America. The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention! Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing. What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom. You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate. You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too. Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now? Sincerely, Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form. May 5, 1994
Michael C. Behnke Dear Michael: You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be. But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country. The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention! Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano. What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him. You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering. You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too. Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now? Sincerely, John Mongan P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask. 1644. REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF MY KIDS HAVE TAUGHT ME
1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.
1645. Just a Thought. We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex- But Congress can. -Cullen Hightower 1646. PSALM OF CLINTON Clinton is my shepherd, I shall not want. He leadeth me beside still factories. He restoreth my doubts in the Democratic Party. He guideth me to the path of unemployment, for the party's sake. He annointeth my wages with freezes, so that my expenses runneth over my income. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow the Democratic Party. And I shall live in a rental house forever. Over five thousand years ago Moses said, "Park your camel, pick up your shovel, mount your ass, and I shall lead you to the Promised Land." Five thousand years later, F.D.R. said, "Lay down your shovel; sit on your ass; light up a camel; this is the Promised Land." Today, Clinton will tax your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass, and tell you there is no Promised Land.
P.S.: I am glad I am an American. 1647. Top Ten Ways to Be an annoying Usher: 10) Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk. 9) SQUEEZE as many people as you can in each row before opening up the next one. We're going for efficiency here. 8) Two words: "Bathroom Key" 7) Insist on frisking all female guests. Body cavity searches are optional. 6) "March" down the aisle and speak with a German accent as you show people to their seats. 5) Urinate in front of each row you are about to open up. Make comments about marking your territory. 4) Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera. Lurk in the shadows when time permits. 3) Offer your "services" to all guests. 2) Offer guests the opportunity to be included in your plans for world domination. 1) Insist on a pants-free environment. 1648. At The Bar... A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" 1649. Miller Brewing Company The following is a letter sent to Miller Brewing Company earlier this month. Miller's response is at the end.
Miller Brewing Company Dear Sir or Madam, I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80's). Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid 1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew. But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:
1. Your cans are made of aluminum. This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can black!!! Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with. Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below. The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers. The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suckpoint) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.
Beer Type Average Suckpoint (min) It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point. It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you. Sincerely, Bradley Lee Beer-drinker Dear Bradley Lee, Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration. Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States. First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature. Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staffer working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized. However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston. However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame. From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as "shot- gunning". You should like the name. Again, thank you for your letter and bring to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am have our advertising department work on campaign to solve this problem, too. Sincerely,
Tom B. Miller P.S. And remember, at Miller Beer we do favor gun control, too. So please use two hands when firing. 1650. INEFFECTIVE DAILY AFFIRMATIONS: - As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. - I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. - I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. - I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. - In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. - Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. - My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. - I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more. - I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all. - Joan of Arc heard voices too. - I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. - I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. - As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. - When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying. - The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. - As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. - All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts. - I am at one with my duality. - Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. - I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday. - Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. - Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging? - Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." - False hope is nicer than no hope at all. - A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. - Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom. - Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone. - Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? - The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working. - I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. - Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents. - To understand all is to fear all. - I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at. - The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home. - My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass? - To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. - I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. |