KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!...back under they go...

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now... feeling better?

10. Santa is magical, dresses funny, and is a little off in the head.

9. Santa laughs entirely too much.

8. Little elves do all the hard work while Santa takes all the credit.

7. If Santa doesn't come through, a lot of people will feel miserable.

6. Santa seldom answers your mail or phone calls.

5. He knows if you've been bad or good.

4. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

3. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

2. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

1. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

Two nuns were traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!

"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," shouts the second.

She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!

"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican!" says the second.

Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

"Now what?" screams the first nun.

"Show him your cross!" says the second.

So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY #$*&@^# HOOD!!"

In the beginning was the plan
and then came the assumptions
and the assumptions were without form
and the plan was without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke amongst themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh"
and the workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof"
and the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it" and the managers went unto their directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength" and the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong" and the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful" and the vice presidents went unto the president and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this company, and these areas in particular" and the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good, and the plan became policy;

"THIS IS HOW SHIT HAPPENS"

(*) You believe the staff room should have a valium salt lick.

(*) You find humor in other people's stupidity.

(*) You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all you holidays and summers free."

(*) You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

(*) You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.

(*) You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."

(*) When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

(*) Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SOOOO much simpler.

(*) When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.

(*) You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

(*) You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

(*) You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

(*) You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

(*) You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would NEVER DREAM of doing your job.

(*) You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

(*) Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

One day this avid golfer returns from a game looking very down and dejected. He wife says, "What's wrong, dear, you look awful?"

"It was terrible! Bob had a heart attack on the tenth green today and died on the spot."

"How terrible for you. No wonder you feel the way you do, it must have been just awful!"

"It sure was," he continued, "the whole rest of the day it was hit a shot, drag Bob, hit a shot, drag Bob..."

A frank discussion with answers to commonly asked questions about men...

* Why are men such jerks?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're not jerks, just misunderstood.

* Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

* Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

* Why are men so uncommunicative?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

* Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

* Why can't men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

* Why can't men cuddle more?

Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can endure lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

* How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers, lions, etc.. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

* Why can't men just say "I love you?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

* Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

* What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"

1 Please sleep with me.
2 I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3 I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4 Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5 What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6 Stop nagging me.
7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

* Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

* Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

* What's with all the belching and farting?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

* Why do men hate shopping?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?

* Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?

Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.

* Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?

Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any male ask for?

* Why do men act like they own the remote control?

What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine-tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.

* Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?

Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)

* Why do men fear commitment?

Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.

* What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"

It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.

* What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"

Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.

* Do all men really masturbate?

Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.

* Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?

Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

* Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor coordination?

It is like with all things. Practice... Practice...Practice... (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

* Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

* Why do men like younger women?

Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed, they're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.

* Why do men only have one thing on their minds?

While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.

* How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?

Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.

* Why are men such dogs?

How can you say such a horrible thing? Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient... You owe dogs an apology!

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".

(I have heard other tales about the origin of "rule of thumb")

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. so in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".

Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that them passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740, Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. when they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.

In the middle ages, "nunchion" was the word for liquid lunches. It was a combination of the words "noon scheken", or noon drinking. In those days, a large chunk of bread was called lunch. So if you ate bread with your nunchion, you had what we still today call a luncheon.

Dear John:

I know you are always interested in looking for opportunities for investment.

I don't know if you would be interested in this, but I thought I would mention it to you because it could be a real "sleeper" in making a lot of money with very little investment.

A group of us is considering investing in a large cat ranch near Hermosillo, Mexico. It is our intention to start rather small with about one million cats. Each cat averages about twelve kittens each year; skins can be sold for about twenty cents for the white ones and up to forty cents for the black. This will give us twelve million cat skins per year to sell at an average price of around thirty-two cents, making revenue about $3 million a year. This averages out to about $10 thousand a day excluding Sundays and holidays.

A good Mexican cat man can skin about fifty cats per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will take only 633 men to operate the ranch, so the net profit would be over $8,200 per day.

Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively. Rats multiply four times faster than cats. We would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat ranch. If we started with a million rats, we will have four rats per cat per day. The rats will be fed on the carcasses of the cats we skin. This will give each rat a quarter of cat per day. You can see by this that the business is a clean operation, self-supporting, and really automatic throughout. The cats will eat the rats, and the rats will eat the cats, and we will get the skins.

Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with snakes because snakes skin themselves twice a year. This will save the labor costs of skinning the cats as well as giving us two skins per cat.

Let me know if you are interested. As you can imagine, I'm rather particular whom I want in this deal. And I want the fewest investors possible.

May I hear from you at your earliest convenience.

Very truly yours,

Ray Waters

It's Good for you because...

...it helps prevent tooth decay. Dr Peter Gorden, Dental Advisor at the British Dental Association, explains. "After eating, your mouth is full of sugar solution and acidic saliva, which cause plaque build up. Kissing is nature's own cleaning process," he adds. "It imulates saliva flow and brings plaque levels down to normal."

....it relieves tension. A passionate kiss is a great relaxation technique, says stress consultant, Michelle Kay Mcnabb. "When your mouth is in a kissing position, you're almost smiling and, as our emotions and body language are so closely linked, it's almost impossible to smile and feel tense at the same time," she explains. "Also, your breathing becomes deeper and your eyes close when u kiss - that's what u do when u relax. It's a perfect way to shut out the world."

...it helps you lose weight. "A long kiss makes the metabolism burn up sugar faster than usual," says Claire Potter. "The calories burned depend on the intensity, but u can rely on 10 calories for every 10 minutes."

...it slows the ageing process. "Kissing helps to tone ur cheek and jowl muscles, so they're less likely to sag," says Cosmo's Fitness Consultant, Claire Potter.

...it increases fitness levels. Your heart is pumping, your pulse is racing..." If kissing is exciting, you release adrenaline into the bloodstream and your heart pumps more blood around your body," says Dr Susan Hotchkies. "It's a great cardiovascular workout."

...it is a good indication of what's to come. Kissing a new man gives you the perfect opportunity to check out his pheromones - the chemical messengers that signal sexual attraction." The first kiss is always a good way to work out if there's any chemistry between you," says Paul Brown, a sexual and marital therapist. "In humans, it's thought that smells plays a vital part in subconscious attraction, and if your pheromones aren't in tune', you're unlikely to hit off in other areas."

And finally, ...it boosts self-esteem. There's nothing better than a passionate kiss for a major dose of feel - good factor. "In theory, when you're kissing, you're happy. And when you're happy, you feel good about yourself," says psychotherapist Paul Zeal. (Doesn't it make you feel like kissing someone now?) There you have it...Why Kissing Iz Good for YOU!

Wow..talk about 'out-of-this-world', unbelievably TRUE reasons!