KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arky said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!

It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today."
"Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?" asks the Post Office worker.
"33," says the man.
"Well, have a good day," says the worker.
"Thank you," replied the man.
To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today."
"Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady.
"I'm..."
"No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is."
"Oh yeah? What's that?" asks the man.
"If I can feel your balls for a couple minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady.
"I don't believe it."
"Well let me prove it!"
"I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man.
"Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.
After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it."
After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims!
"How the hell did you know that?!" exclaims the man, impressed.
"I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face life. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"

One day a man was out playing golf, when he sliced his shot off into a patch of buttercups. Rather disgusted with himself, he went in search of his ball. After finding it, he was ready to hit the ball back on the fairway when he heard a voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups".

Startled, he looked around to find the source of the voice to no avail. Again the man prepared to hit his golf ball and again he heard the voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups".

This time when the man looked to find the source of the voice, he saw a small leprechan standing by him. The little man spoke to the man and said, "Please sir, if you will kindly pick up your ball and throw it up onto the fairway instead of hitting it with your club, I will reward you with a year's supply of butter for free".

The man thought about the offer for a minute then replied, "That's a fine offer, but I have but one question for you, where were you last week when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?"

Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench when a good looking young blond with a short skirt got off.

One old guy says to the other Boy I sure would like to get a piece of that.

The other old guy says yeah, me too but mine just doesn't work anymore.

The other one says don't you know how to keep that thing working?

He says no, how do you do that?

The other old guy says you have to eat a lot of french bread.

So this guy goes the the store and buys 100 loaves of french bread. When he gets up to the checker she tells him don't you know thats going to get hard before you eat all that?

And he says Oh! you've heard about that too!

A fellow went to work one day and was met at the door by his boss. "You're fired, and there may be a summons for your arrest out of this!" the boss exclaimed.

The fellow then started to drive home when the steering went out on his car and he ran into a carload of nuns. After the policeman let him go with the collection of tickets, he called his insurance company, only to find out that his wife forgot to send in the premium payment and that his insurance ran out last week.

On his way home, he stopped into the bank to get some money and found out that his wife had been there earlier with his best friend and emptied the accounts. After leaving the bank, he was on his way home and saw the fire engines heading down his street. Upon arriving at his house, he discovered that it was indeed his house on fire. The fire chief was sure that it was going to be a total loss. Again, calling the insurance company, he found that the homeowner's insurance also had been cancelled.

By now the fellow was somewhat depressed and went into the local bar. As he was telling his troubles to the bartender the bartender said, "You've got the chance of a lifetime. All your obligations are gone and you can start all over. Why don't you take this bucket, go up to Huckleberry Hill, pick huckleberries, and go door to door selling them."

Well, this sounded O.K. to the fellow, so off he went. After picking most of the day he finally had enough berries to sell. At the first house he stopped at the woman said that she would indeed take all his huckleberries but would he mind coming around to the back door. As the fellow got to the back door the woman opened it and was totally nude. (And not hard on the eyes.)

The fellow just broke down and was weeping hysterically. The woman was quite beside herself and asked what the problem was. The fellow answered "I've lost my job, my car is ruined, my wife ran off with my best friend taking all my money, my house burned down, all my insurance has been cancelled, and now I'm going to be screwed out of my huckleberries."

What's fifty foot long and smells of urine?
The conga line at then old folks nursing home!

Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces.

What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ

What do you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbian's apartment?
Potpourri

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman.
I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind.. My goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

These two immigrants just landed at New York City. While walking down the street, they spotted a stand with a sign saying "Hot Dogs." So the two of them figured that Amricans eat dogs. They decided they might as well order some because they want to assimilate into the country as fast as possible.

When they received the hot dogs, they opened the wrappers and one guy said to the other, "What part did you get?"

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead competed in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition:

The brunette came in first, and the redhead was a close second. Much later, the blonde finally reached the shore, completely exhausted and near the point of drowning. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she muttered, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms."