KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time.

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he`d see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin`s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m`lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal `short arm` inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahad was speechless.

A farmer and his wife are lying in bed one night when the farmer starts to rub her breasts. He says "If these would only give milk, then we could get rid of our cows." After a few minutes he starts rubbing her bottom. He says "If this would only lay eggs, then we could get rid of our chickens." After a while his wife starts rubbing his penis. She says "If this would only get hard more often then we could get rid of the farmhand!"

A mom and her 4 year old son were taking a shower when he asked her "mommy what's that?" as he was pointing to her crotch, she replied "that's mommy's sponge" and the boy nodded.

A couple of days later they were taking a shower and the boy asked "mommy what happened to your sponge?"
the mother replied " I lost it" (she had shaved it off).

A couple days later the boy came running into the house "mommy mommy i found your sponge", the mom said "you found my sponge?" the boy answered "yeah the lady next door has it and she is washing daddy's face.

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will be unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" , replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great, " Adam replied.

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face.
Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business.
When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, "Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's."
The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."

This girl walks into a hardware store as she needs a new hinge for a door at home. As she brings it to the counter, the clerk asks, "Wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which she replies, "No, but I'll suck you off for that toaster on the top shelf."

Like a lot of good secretaries, mine was concerned not only about things around the office, but my personal well-being as well. Now while this young lady was not a soap-box evangelist, she was quite religious. Knowing too much perhaps about some of my antics, a few strayings, as well as my occasional "walk on the wild side", she asked if I had ever given any thought to Heaven.
Perhaps being a little too flippant, I told her that indeed I had considered Judgement Day, and thought my logical (and only) course of action would be to have the best lawyer available.
She sat there a moment, trying to gauge if I were serious or not, then replied, "And just where are ya gonna find any lawyer at all -- good or bad, in Heaven ?"
I attended her Church the very next Sunday.

Walking by two secretaries one day, I actually heard one say: "It's simply fantastic the amount of work you can get done, if you don't do anything else all day."