KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

One day, Billy Bob and Bubba were in the woods hunting and both of them feel the need to take a dump.
Bubba asks, how the hell am I going to clean myself after I'm done?
BillyBob says, "do like I'm going to do" use a dollar. You got a dollar doncha Bubba?
Yep, I got a dollar says Bubba, and Bubba heads off to the bushes to take care of business.
After a while, Bubba comes out of the bushes and has shit all over his hands and is cussing up a storm.
What the hell happened to you?! asked Billy Bob.
You and you lame brained ideas, says Bubba. Not only do I have crap all over myself, now I got 4 quarters stuck in my ass.

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."

1. How Dogs and Men Are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

2. How Dogs Are Better than Men

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the "really" worst disease you can get from this is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

3. Where Dogs Fall Down

Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little more subtle.
Men don't eat turds on the sly.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men can do math stuff.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
It's fun to dry off a wet man.

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother: "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick . . . a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats . . . they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet."
Mother fainted.

One guy says to another guy "Have you ever been soooo drunk that you actually kissed your girlfriend's navel?"

The other guy replies "Hell no, I've been much drunker than that!"

Two drunks stagger out of a bar in the early hours of the morning and weave their way unsteadily down the road.

As they meander homewards they come across a dog sitting on the side of the road licking his genitalia.

The drunks stop and the one says to the other, his voice slurred with alcohol, "Boy, that looks like fun. I wish I could do that!"

The other drunk pauses before answering, "Well, he looks friendly enough but I'd pat him first"

Two snake are sitting in a pub. The one snake says to the other: " hey are we posionious snakes??
The other replies: " No, we're NOT"
"shoo, thats good, cause I just bit my tongue!!!"

This guy was driving home yesterday and going 20 above the speed limit. Sure enough, there was a police car with its red lights on behind him soon enough. He had some liquid courage in him so him thinks: "I can outrun this guy," and floors it. Going 70, 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. Finally, as the speedometer passes 110, He figures "what the heck," give up and pull over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser, approaches the car, leans down and says "listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go. But it better be good, you were going well over 100." He thinks for a moment and than replies: "Officer, three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that guy and you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!"

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said,

"This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"