KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Bill Clinton is driving up to the White House when he runs over Socks the cat and kills it stone dead. Next to the cat he finds a lamp. He rubs it and out comes a genie which grants him a single wish. "Revive the cat," says Bill. "Sorry," replies the genie, "That's too difficult."

"OK," says Bill, "Make my daughter, Chelsea beautiful."

"Wait a minute," answers the genie, "Let me take another look at that cat."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?"

Most of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?"

About half the hands stay up.

"Okay, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?"

Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd.

"Gosh, that's pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?"

One hand stays up. The speaker blinks.

"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?"

The fellow suddenly blushes and says,

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said `goat`"

The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. "Do you like to screw?" he asked.
"Huh?!" replied the surprised first date.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's good at it. You and her should go screw," explained the father.
Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir!!!"
Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, it's the TWIST, get it right!"

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me!

There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!

15 ...and Ms. Reno says, "Yeah, and it's DEEP, too!"
14 ...and the film will star Tom Arnold, Pauley Shore, and Quentin Tarantino.
13 "If word gets out, EVERYONE will want an extra pancreas."
12 ...and her husband says, "But they're twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
11 ...and she says, "So that's what Tiger means by 'getting up and down in two'."
10 ...so Steve Buschemi says, "How much Bosco can you drink, anyway?!"
9 "So's mine, lady -- must be the salt water!"
8 "So the talking duck turns to the guy and says, 'You wanna hear my impression of De Niro?'"
7 ...then the doctor says, "Ok, now it's my turn to cough".
6 Freud -- Because he'd get so excited by the donut that he'd never miss his wallet!
5 "If you can say you're a Kennedy, I can say I'm 18."
4 "Well if I'd known I had a squid in my underwear, I would have ordered the rice pilaf."
3 ...then the second trapper cried, "Sacre bleu! I deed not know she was ze prime ministaire's daughtaire!"
2 The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with HIS.

and the Number 1 Punchline Without a Joke...

1 ...then Cathy Lee says, "What do you mean there's no such thing as Tuesday Night Football?!"

A guy from a city once went to go see his old collage pal who lived on a farm. One morning the city slicker got up early and decided to fix breakfast for his friends family.

By the time he got from the pasture to the hose his friend was up so the guy from the city decided to show his friend what he got. When he walked into the kitchen the farmer looked at him. The city guys face was covered in a white liquid and he had a bucket full of this white stuff. The city guy said, "I milked the cow for you this morning."

The farmer replied, "I don’t have a cow. I have a bull!"

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman." He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave noticed his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."