KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During W.W.II I hid Jewish man in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Er, I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."

"It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't like you telling all those Polish jokes!"

So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against anyone in Poland."

"My mother is in Poland!" He screams, and pulls out a razor.

Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed me if he had found a place to plug it in!

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there. "But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked. "Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back". Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today", she explained. "I don't understand what it means!" "Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which said: "SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT; TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!"

There lived this arrogant farmer who owned a chicken farm. Next door lived two guys, Larry and Stanely. Larry being a lot smarter than Stanely. One night Larry takes a shot at stealing his chickens, as they were about 20km from the nearest butchery. He manages to sneak passed the watchdogs, snatches two of the farmers chickens and runs like hell. Suddenly a door slams open. Larry freezes... does'nt say a word... does'nt make a move. The farmer, obviously disturbed by the noise of his chickens and with very bad night vision, stands with a 12 gauge shot gun ready to blow the living daylights out of the animal that's trying to grab a hold of his chickens. " Wie is daar", yells the farmer. "Meeow...", replies Larry. Lowering his gun, the farmer mumbles to himself "Ag...dis maar net Fallie die kat", and returns back into the house.

After hearing this amazing story, Stanely begs Larry to give it a shot. After much consideration he agrees and explains to Stanely what he should do when the farmer asks, "Wie is daar". "Yes sure... I say meeow...like I'm a cat hey Lar", says Stanely. "Yes, like your'e a cat, dummy" Off he goes. He succeeds in passing the dogs, snatches one chicken and runs like hell. By this time the farmer's already on his porch, this time with a heat seeker. "Wie is daar", yells the farmer. Stanely, stops dead in his tracks, throws the chicken in the air and yells, "Meeow...Meeow...don't shoot, it's Fallie die kat".

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied "Of course I do it is the Bible."

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

A couple of guys are sitting around having drinks. One says, "I had such a terrible freudian slip the other day, I was at the airport, wanting to buy a ticket. The woman behind the counter was so beautiful that I got my words muddled up, and instead of asking, 'Can I have a ticket to Pittsburgh' I asked 'Can I have a picket to Tittsburgh' !"

Another guy overheard this and said, "Funny you should mention it, a similar thing happened to me. My wife and I were at the dinner table the other night, and instead of saying 'Honey, can you please pass me the salt' I said 'You fucking bitch, you ruined my life'

Three Prisoners in a German concentration camp were pulled in to the CO's office, he says to them "I vill ask you a kvestion unt if you answer correctly you vill be released, first the amerikaner Vot vas der name of der largest german battleship?
he answers "the bismark"
"Very good you may go home, Englander, vot vas der compliment?"
"523"
"Very clever, you may also return, now mister Cohen, gif me their names unt addresses"

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now" he says. The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "excuse me sir would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke says " Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastarding joint?". "Yes sir I am" replies the manager but I would prefer you not to use that kind of vernacular in this restaurant, there are private parties and clients entertaining in here".

The bloke replies "Fuck you anus features, where's the fucking piano?".

The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation.

"Where's the fucking piano, are you fucking deaf or what, you smelly stupid cunt?"

"Ah" says the manager "You've come about the pianist job out of the paper".
"Too fucking right" the bloke replies.

The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs him not to speak into the microphone.

"Can you play any blues?" the manager asks.

The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That's superb" gasps the manager, What is it called?"

"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my cock end" replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed. "Oh, do you know any jazz?" asks the manager a bit perplexed. The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Absolutely magnificent" cries the manager, "What is that called?"

"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer" replies the bloke.

The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one. "Oh I say, do you know any romantic ballads?" asks the manager getting flustered. The bloke plays the most heartbreaking melody ever. "That was fantastic" crooned the manager, "What is that one called?"

"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece" replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset at the blokes language but is so moved by his music that he offers the bloke a job on the condition That he does not introduce any of the songs. The bloke accepts.

The arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks when one night the bloke gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the restaurant and goes to the staff toilets. Strangely there is a magazine stuffed behind the bowl. The bloke retrieves the mag and discovers a good old wank mag. He naturally has a swift one off the wrist. As he is coming he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that fucking pianist?"

The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and begins playing some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers "Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling jissum all over your shoes?"

The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it !!"

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife,"Mary rub this fork around in your secret place before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?

HAA...HAA...HAAA...FUNNY, AIN'T IT?