KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Recently, in Hungary a man went to the bank to ask for a loan. The bank manager said "No way" and sent him on his way.

Irate, the customer returned an hour later with a pistol and a watermelon, and dragged the bank manager out at gunpoint into the foyer.

The manager later explained "I asked him,'Are you going to shoot me??' and he said 'Not if you fuck this melon!!'"

The gunman then shot a hole in the melon, then with his trousers around his knees and a pistol at his head, the manager got to work on the fruit in front of his staff and a crowd of customers.

Ten minutes of managerial grunting later, daring clerks succeeded in overpowering and disarming the gunman.

"Actually," one of the clerks admitted later, "we could have stopped him much earlier, but we'd never seen our manager enjoy himself so much..."

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana.

The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother." Use the grown up word.

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.

The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train." That's the grown up word.

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.

He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

I had a favorite cereal; ate it every morning. One morn I took a look at the nutritional information and discovered that it was, in essence, oat-flecked divots of lard. I spent a monkish year choking down Grape Nuts, which resemble a bowl of rugged BBs, but with less taste. Now I just eat what's cheap. This week it's Frosted Cheerios.

The word "Frosted" on the box guarantees that the sugar is clearly visible, not hidden, just as the word "Fruit" assures you that several pieces of fruit-hued putty with Real Fruit Flavor will tumble from the box, and the word "Fiber" means that the package will have the digestive effect of consuming a Chore Boy scouring pad.

Of course, I could scorn high cereal prices and buy the store brands with the cheap graphics. The boxes say things like "if you like Fruit 'n' Fiber, you'll love Pits 'n' Chaff!" "If you like Lucky Charms, you'll love Frosted Pixie Gizzards!" If you like "Alpha Bits, you'll be temporarily confused by Toasty Random Shapes!"

The cartoon characters on these boxes look like losers who couldn't get work with a real cereal. I'm sure the cereals taste fine. But I cannot bring myself to start the day with Oaty Clown Balls, not when the mascot leers like John Wayne Gacy on the last few hours of an amphetamine jag.

Actually, I don't have to commit to a cereal for an entire week just because I have a coupon. There are single-serve containers: The Kel-Bowl-Pac. In the 60s, this was a brilliant advance in cereal technology - a small single-serving box that doubles as a bowl. It was like something "Q" division would whip up for James Bond. They came in groups of four - Frosted Flakes, Rice Krispees, Sugar Pops, and Special K, a cereal that has had the flavor scientifically extracted. The weakest child got the Special K; it was nature's way.

It takes skill to use a Kel-Bowl-Pac, particularly if you are camping. You take a knife and cut along the dotted line, puncturing the inner membrane and plunging the knife into your leg. You now have a small box of cereal stuck to your thigh. Next step: scream uncontrollably, causing an adult to quiet your misery by giving you someone else's Frosted Flakes. Thus does the weakest child develop a sense of guile. It is nature's way.

The different between Frosted Flakes and Frosted Cheerios? The Flakes have a mascot: Tony the Tiger, Mr. Swank, the relaxed old pro, the Arnold Palmer of the mascot circuit. Sugar Puffs had Sugar Bear - that Rat-Pack refugee with the sleepy eyes and the Dean Martin manner, the spokescreature most likely to be brought up on a morals charge. (His co-defendant would no doubt be Toucan Sam, the Peter Lawford of cereal spokesmen.) I always got the feeling that Tony the Tiger would beat Sugar Bear to a moaning pulp if he got the chance; guys like Sugar Bear must have bugged Tony. Sugar Bear would have protested the Vietnam War; Tony would have supported it.

Where Frosted Cheerios stands on the matter of post-colonial Communist insurrections, I don't know. I just eat it because it's cheap. Next week it goes off sale, though, and I'll have to find something else. Lucky Charms, perhaps. Nice and apolitical.

Please don't tell me the leprechaun was caught running guns to the IRA.

25. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.

24. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.

23. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.

22. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide.

21. In college, there are no tardy slips.

20. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.

19. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.

18. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)

17. In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.

16. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.

15. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.

14. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.

13. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.

12. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.

11. In college, weekends start on Thursday.

10. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.

9. Once you've obtained the information described in #10, it's much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."

8. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.

7. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.

6. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.

5. College men are cuter than high school boys.

4. College women are legal.

3. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day.

2. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.

1. In college,... you can blow off studying by reading Dogbyte's TrashLaughs!!!

"Any girl can be glamourous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." --- Hedy Lamarr

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher

"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." --- Margaret Atwood

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor

God saw Adam was alone in the Garden of Eden and asked if he and Eve had been having sex. Adam admitted they had just been "intimate." God asked where Eve was and Adam answered that she was down by the river, washing herself. "Drat," sayeth the Lord, "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish!!!!"

1. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
2. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
3. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
4. He who laughs last thinks slowest!
5. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
6. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
7. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
8. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
9. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
10. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.

When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies. "Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again. "I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says. "Then what are you?" the reporter says

"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!"

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet".