KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine.

It's encased in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical moveable supports, one on each corner.

The front end contains: the cutting and grinding mechanism, as well as, light sensors, air inlet and exhaust, bumper and a fog horn.

The rear end contains: the dispensing apparatus and automatic fly swatter.

The central section houses a hydro-chemical conversion plant. This consists of four fermentation and storage tanks, an integrated network, which is connected to the rear-dispensing unit.

In brief the extremely visible features are:

2 lookers, 2 hookers, 4 stander-uppers, 4 hanger-downers and a swissy-wissy.

Arab coffee: Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint, or found in graduate student's offices.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Frying Pan: Standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and various vegatable matter. Remains may be removed from surface with diluted solution of sulfuric acid.

Microwave oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, in addition to when it is removed.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, for a dish you'll never make.

Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Bimbaffled - reaction of bimbo to any change in her environment

Bimbang - the act of banging a bimbo

Bimbank - bank with low interest rates but with beautiful blonde staff

Bimbar - bar full of bimbos

Bimbattle - two bimbos fighting over a hunk in a bimbar

Bimbeaver - body part a bimbo thinks with instead of using her bimbrain

Bimbette - immature bimbo (bimbos are mature at age six)

Bimbikini - very tiny and sexy bikini

Bimbino - young, innocent and lovable bimbo

Bimbintelligence - semantically inconsistent term

Bimbiology - study of the biology of bimbos

Bimblabla - what comes out of a bimbos mouth

Bimblooper - general result of a bimbos actions

Bimblowjob - the best a bimbo has to offer

Bimbooze - favourite drink of bimbo (margarita)

Bimborg - malfunctioning but sexy cyborg robot

Bimboss - a bimbo who is the boss (happens only in her dreams)

Bimbozo - a male bimbo; identifying mark: uses rear-view mirror to admire himself/comb hair)

Bimbra - apparatus to support a bimbos most valuable assets

Bimbrain - least-used word in the English language

Bimbrand - the type of bimbo (Irish girls make excelllent bimbos)

Bimbulb - light bulb producing 1% light and 99% heat

Bimburger - cheapest snack at McDonalds

BACK-UP:

1. Current Data Errors That Have Been Saved For Future Use. See Database Back-Up Or File Back-Up.
2. Don't worry, it'll never happen to me.
3. Mythical ceremony, often discussed, but rarely encountered. See SECURITY COPY.

BACKWARD RECOVERY:

Reaganomics.

BADGE READER:

Convention Goer Who Gets Off On Reading, "Hi, I'm ______" Badges.

BAGBITING:

What Happens When You Don't Unwrap Your Sandwich

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BANDWIDTH:

limited by the size of the stage

BANKS:

Quiet, Air-Conditioned Places Where Your Salary Is Automatically Transferred To Peripheral Salesmen.

BAR CHART:

A list of places to go when it's Miller time.

BAR CODE SCANNER:

A Bouncer Who Checks The Crowd For Jackets And Ties.

BARREL PRINTER:

The Guy Who Writes Xxx On Whiskey Kegs.

BASE ADDRESS:

Low-rent accommodation of the kind frequented by operators, application programmers, and other no-collar workers. Even cheaper accommodation is possible - a relative address - if you have an aunt or an uncle living in the area.

BASIC:

1. A Programming Language. Related To Certain Social Diseases In That Those Who Have It Will Not Admit It In Polite Company.
2. Language Of Choice By Non-Programmers.
3. Something So "Simple" You Need A Computer To Understand
4. A Computer One-Word Oxymoron.
5. Language that's unsuitable without additions.

BATCH PROCESSING:

Cleaning Up A Batch So You Can Say It In Mixed Company.

BATCH:
1. A 'Whole Lot' like the batch of biscuits my wife bakes for breakfast.
2. A Minor Gripe.

BATTERY BACKUP:

going in reverse in a golf cart

BAUD RATE:

Fee Charged By Loose Women; Usually $5.00 And Up.

BBS:

1. A System For Connecting Computers And Exchanging Gossip, Facts, And Uniformed Speculation Under False Names.
2. Tall Tales Told By Insects That Produce Honey.
3. Mechanism To Allow The Socially Autistic To Masquerade As Real People And Communicate With One Another By Posting Cleaver Near-Random Commentary On A Remote Computer.

BEGINNER:

A Person Who Believes More Than One-Sixteenth Of A Computer Salesperson's Spiel.

BELL LABS:

Large Black Retrievers That Go "Ding-A-Ling!" Instead Of "Bow Wow!"

BENCHMARK:

1. 1. A Test Written Ostensibly To Compare Hardware Or Software, But Actually Used By Manufacturers To Misinterpret Or Quote Out Of Context In Advertisements.
2. 2. Painful Creases Pressed Into Chips From Sitting For Long Periods On Park Benches.
3. 3. what happens when your saw hits the bench

.BETA TEST VERSION:

Still Too Buggy To Be Released

BI-DIRECTIONAL:

A Computerist Who Swings Both Ways.

BI-POLAR:

An Eskimo Marketing Slogan.

BI-SYNCH:

The Place Where Elton John Washes His Hands.

BIAS:

Said Of Siamese Twins, As In, "They've Got Cute Little..."

BIGGER ICONS:

Large pictures on PC's screen which don't infringe Apple's copyright. See ICONS.

BINARY:

1. A Little Yellow Bird That Waves Instead Of Whistles.
2. A Two-Valued Logic Especially Susceptible To Glitches And Bugs. It Originated As A Way Of Counting On The Thumbs, Since Programming Managers Usually Find Fingers Far Too Confusing. See: Hexadecimal, Octal.
3. Possessing The Ability To Have Friends Of Both Sexes.

BIOS:

Legal term for the method used by IBM to settle out of court with it's competitors over copyright problems.

BIPOLAR:

Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York

BIT:

1. 12 1/2 Cents.
2. The Increment By Which Programmers Slowly Go Mad.
3. A Word Used To Describe Computers, As In 'our Son's Computer Cost Quite A Bit.'
4. A One, But It Doesn't Say One What, Or Nothing, So Why Bother With It?
5. Similar to a nibble. Commonly eight nibbles to a mouthful. (See byte).
6. The part of the bridle that goes in the horse's mouth.

BLINDINGLY FAST (200 MHz):

Almost Fast Enough.

BLOCK COPY:

There Goes The Neighborhood.

BLOCK MOVES:

What Happens When A Hacker Rents A House On The Street.

BLOCK PARITY:

One Heck Of A Good Time.

BOOT:

What Your Friends Give You Because You Spend Too Much Time Bragging About Your Computer Skills.

BOOTING:

Arcane term for the aching delay as the PC dutifully checks that it's got all it's bits and pieces.

BPI:

a 1960's term used to describe unmentionable parts of the anatomy, as in 'you bet your bpi'.

BRANCH:

A Stick Used For Beating.

BREAKTHROUGH:

It nearly booted on the first try.

BROADBAND:

an all female rock group

BUBBLE MEMORY:

1. a derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also 'vacuum tube'.
2. A storage device developed by South Sea Memory Products Inc. The chief advantage of bubbles over floppies is that they can not be folded by the mailman. Whether bubbles will ever replace the hard disk (which is also beyond the bending power of most postal workers) depends on the relative strength of the semiconductor and metallurgical lobbies.

BUFFER AMPLIFIER:

One Who Brags About It.

BUFFER STORE:

Where A Buffer Can't Buy A Thing To Wear.

BUFFER:

1. Programmer Who Works In The Nude.
2. System Engineer Who Works In The Nude

.

BUG:

1. An Elusive Creature Living In A Program That Makes It Incorrect. The Activity Of "Debugging," Or Removing Bugs From A Program, Ends When People Get Tired Of Doing It, Not When The Bugs Are Removed.
2. What Your Eyes Do After You Stare At The Tiny Green Computer Screen For More Than 15 Minutes. Also: What Computer Magazine Companies Do To You After Getting Your Name On The Mailing List.
3. A Small German Car Found In American Automakers' Computer Programs In The 60's.
4. Any Program Feature Not Yet Described To The Marketing Department.
5. small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.

BUNDLED:

[From the verb bundle "to throw together in haphazard fashion."] Of or relating to an arbitrary collection of software items offered as seen, without charge or warranty, to certain prospects in a competitive environment. Of interest to sociolinguists is the fact that the dp usage of bundled was triggered by the prior introduction of the antonym "unbundled" by IBM the previous day. See Unbundling.

BURST SPEED:

The Velocity At Which Hackers' Egos Pop When Confronted By A 12 Year-Old Micro-Kid.

Bus:

A Connector You Pluf Money Into, Something Like A Slot Machine.

BUSINESS GRAPHICS:

Popular With Managers Who Understand Neither Decimals, Fractions, Percentages, Roman Numerals, But Have More Than A Passing Acquaintance With Pies And Bars.

BYTE:

1. Painful Wound Inflicted By Dogs, Snakes, Children Etc.
2. Short For "Buyit." Refers To How Many Peripherals You'll Have To Purchase To Support A Computer, E.G., There Are 8 "Buy It," 16 "Buy It," And 64 "Buy It" Computers.
3. Eight Bits, Or One Dollar (In 1950 Terms). Presently Worth About Two- Tenths Of A Cent And Falling Fast.
4. a mouthful, as in 'How many bytes in a Big Mac?'
5. What the horse might try to do when you put the bit in its mouth.

... SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.

ATTRACTION

The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING

The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL

Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY

A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT

A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND

A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE

A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING

A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT

What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY

How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC

A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER

Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

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2056. Accountant Jokes (Q and A)

Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Q: What does an accountant use for birth control?
A: His/her personality.

Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Q: What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
A: Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Q: What's the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humour.

Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.

Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.

Q: What's an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead of his/her own.

Q: There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
A: Those who can count and those who can't.

Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.

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2057. About accountants

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.

My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it's flat on it's back.

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2058. In a hospital

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something?" "No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."

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2059. To the doctor

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

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2060. Looking for

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?" The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."