KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

An elderly couple decide to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the nude.

The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!"

To which he replies "Well, they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!"

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting on their rocking chairs one lazy afternoon, Grandpa started feeling spry and reached over and gave Grandma's breast a squeeze and said "You know Ma, if this would give milk we could get rid of the cow."

To that Grandma said, "Yep we sure could."

After a while Grandpa reach over to Grandma's crotch and gave it a pat and said, "You know Ma, if this could give eggs we could get rid of the chickens."

Grandma said, "Yep we sure could."

After a short while Grandma reached over to Grandpa and started stroking his Jewels and said, "You know Pa, if this could get hard we could get rid of your brother."

An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach you to remember things by association. Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"Who was the instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, let's see," pondered the man. "Umm...what's that flower, you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns...?"

"A rose?" offered the neighbor.

"Right," said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class from?"

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was closed for lack of evidence.

This 75 year old woman had a vision one night, she saw and spoke to God. She asked him, "how much time do I have to live." He said, "you have 35 years left."

So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, she had a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, liposuction, she completely did herself over. She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years she was going to look young again. After all this was done, that same year she was hit by a car and was killed instantly. When she entered St. Peter's gate she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years."

God replied, "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!"

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearable hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy. "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over."

The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday"