KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A couple is on there way to their wedding when BAM! they get hit by a truck and are instantly killed. They find themselves standing at the gates of heaven, waiting to be let in. They start to discuss between themselves what had just happened. She says to him "Do you think we should get married, like we planned before we go into heaven?" He replies, "I don't know, we better ask." Finally St. Peter arrives with his book to let them in. When he does get there, he is asked by the couple if this can be done. St. Peter sratches his head and says "I don't know, this has never happened before. Let me go check." And St. Peter disapears back into heaven. While St. Peter is gone, the couple starts to wonder about what they had just done. She says to him "What if we decide that we don't want to stay married to each other?" He replies "You are right. Eternity is a pretty long time. We better ask if we can get a divorce if we don't want to stay married." Finally St. Peter come back to the gate smiling. " You are in luck!" He says, "You can get married before you go to heaven." The man then asks "If we decide that we don't want to stay married to each other, can we get a divorce?" St. Peter throws down his book and starts screaming "I just spent the last six months looking for a priest to marry you to and you expect me to be able to find lawyers here so you can get a divorce!!!!"

After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night's shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn.

Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.

Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn't long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.

The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.

Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.

Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?
A: Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the researchers don't get as attached to them. One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

A lawsuit has been called a method of extracting half of a debt by demanding double the payment.

What do a baker and an attorney have in common?

They both enjoy carving up the pie.

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left. When she got off the phone and realized the old man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for one hour's work isn't bad."

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same.

The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Human one: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.

Human two: Why do you say that?

Human one: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.

"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."

A famous lawyer found himself at heaven's gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake: he was only 49 and far too young to be dead.

"That's odd," said St. Peter, "according to the hours you've billed you're 119 years old."

Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money." And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years."

"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: "I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside." The second doctor said: "I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered." "Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts, their ass and their mouth and those are interchangeable."

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney wired the firm, "Justice prevailed."

The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

When asked "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."

"Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent."
-- Oscar Wild

"When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;
When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;
When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice."
--Lin Yutang

"I was never ruined but twice-once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one."
--Voltaire

"Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage."
--Ambrose Bierce

"In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls."
--Lenny Bruce

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.

Q: What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer?
A: You can make a pet out of the snake.

Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day.
The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground.
You must be a lawyer."

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.

Q: Why are lawyers like beavers?
A: They get in the mainstream and dam it up.

There is this young lawyer , who is agruing in fron t of the judge. All of a sudden he falls over dead. At the Pearly Gates he is greeted by ST Peter, the lawyer true to form argues that he is to young to die. St Peter say he will go and check. St Peter returns and say that there is no mistake. Lawyer, what did I die of. St Peter Harding of the arteries and Alheimers. Lawyer, those are old folks deseases and I am only 31. St Peter, I double checked that and by your billable hours you are 103 years old...

Q : You are stuck in an elevator with a Lawyer, Hitler and Satan. You have a gun with two bullets in it. What do you do?

A : Shoot the Lawyer, twice.

two lawyers walking down the street in LA
One of them sees a hot looking blonde and says to his friend " I would really love to fuck that chick !"
His friend replies "Out of what?"

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!"