KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.

2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable.

3. My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked at the tire....I found your cat... Sorry!

4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.

7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.

8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95.

9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry

10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.

A Union shop steward goes to Las Vegas and decides to go to a whorehouse for fun. Now being a solid union member he wants to go only to a union whorehouse.
He goes to the one house and asks the madam, "Is this a union whorehouse?"
She says, "No it isn't. We keep 50% and the girls keep 50%." He leaves and says that that is not good enough. He goes to a second whorehouse and gets the same answer. On his third try he finds a brothel that is indeed a union shop. The madam says, "All the girls are union and we keep only 20% and the girls get the rest."
The union steward is pleased and says he'd like to have one of the girls for the evening. So the madam lines them up. On the left are two beautiful, young blondes and next to them are four other equally beautiful brunettes and one redhead. On the far right is one old, somewhat overweight, ugly woman.
The union man says,"Very impressive. I think I'll take that cute redhead in the middle."
The madam replies," Oh I bet you would like her. But old Betty down there on the right is yours- She's got senority!!"

An old man is lying on his death bed. His wife of 30 years and the mother of his 7 kids is sitting by his side. The doctor tells them that he has only minutes left to live. His wife turns to him and says....

"honey.... there is something I have to tell you about our youngest boy Tom"

he gasped and said

"don't tell me he is not mine!"

"No. He IS yours"

Eight very happy blondes walked into the neighborhood bar cheering "51 days, 51 days" and giving each other high fives. One of them called out to the bartender, "Whew, we are celebrating--51 days-- give us a round of beer."

They laughed and cheered and drank with the conversation being peppered with comments about 51 days. Every once in a while one of them would call for another round of beer to celebrate 51 days.

As much as the bartender tried to piece together the importance of 51 days, he could not. Finally, as he brought these eight happy blondes their eighth round of beers he could not hold his curiosity any longer. He said, "what's this big deal about 51 days that has you pretty things out celebrating tonight."

One of the blondes turned to him and said, "well, we got one of the jigsaw puzzles that said 2 to 4 years on the side of the box, and we were able to finish it in only 51 days."

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool next to a smaller fellow. The smaller guy looks at the first guy, grabs him by the arms and neck, and says "That's a choke-hold from Judo." and lets go. The first guy , figuring that the little guy is just a bit drunk, lets it slide.

Two minutes later, he finds himself in another hold, and the little fellow says "That's a secret bracing hold in Karate." Now the guy is getting a little steamed, but he lets it pass.

Five minutes later, the little fellow jumps on him again, and puts him in another compromising position. He says "That's a Death Move in Tae Kwon Do."

Now the guy is angry and quickly leaves the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back into the bar, and the little fellow is still at the bar, waiting for another drink. The guy walks up to him, and before the little fellow can move, he lunges at him, his arm flying out from behind his back. The little fellow falls off of his stool, and is out cold.

He turns to the bartender and says "That was a monkey wrench from Sears!"

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but thinks "What the heck, I really want a drink".

A gay waiter swishes up to him and says "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer is shocked and says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink".

The gay waiter says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

So the customer says "all right, what's the name of YOUR penis?". The gay waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT".

The customer thinks for a moment and says "The name of my penis is "Secret". "SECRET?" says the waiter, confused.

The customer says "Yeah ... STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!".

Sure-fire signs there's trouble on the job ...

The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo.
Your assistant starts responding to your memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
Your boss asks if you still have a copy of your five-year contract.
You notice your co-workers measuring your cubicle when you arrive at work.
Your parking space is moved next to the Dumpster.
Your secretary says things like, "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
Your boss asks you to write a desk manual for your job.
A large paper recycling box is placed next to your file cabinets.
The receptionist asks "Who?" when anyone calls on you.

A Lutheran minister has died and is at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter arrives and tells him he will now be shown around and then escorted to the room where the Lutherans stay.

Passing the first room, St. Peter explains that this is where the Baptists live. The next room they pass is the Presbyterians, then Jews. As they approach the next room St. Peter puts his finger to his lips in a request for total silence. They creep past the room and the minister notices that the door is closed and there is no window.

Safely past, he inquires.

"It's the Catholics," says St. Peter. "They think they are the only ones here."

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.

"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

"Maybe I shouldn't eat you. You really are sick...in the head. You might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole...and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis.

The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. To the right there was a pile of fox bones, to the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story:

The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.

All that matters is who your advisor is.

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well-mannered professional torturer?
A. The torturer would apologize first.

Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk.

Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in common?
A. They both tear hams into shreds.

Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One!

Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?
A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.

Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain & agony?
A. Unemployed.

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?
A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.