KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A man is on his death bed with his wife by his side. In his faint, dying breath he tells her that there are two times he suspects she cheated on him and he would like to know the truth, the whole truth, before he dies.
Rather hesitantly, she agrees to tell him everything ... the full truth. "Well first," she begins, "remember when you lost your job and a week later you got it back with a big raise?"
He slowly nods understandingly.
Then she tells him, "Do you remember when the IRS was going to do the big audit on you and a week later they dropped the audit and gave us a big refund instead?"
He again weakly nods in understanding.
Then he strains to ask, "Were there any more times that you cheated on me."
Even more hesitantly, she says "Yes dear. There was just one more time."
"Ohhhh," he sighs in agony. "You must tell me."
"Ok ... but only because you insist, dear," she stammers.
"Remember the time when you were elected president of the golf club, but you were so sure you were going to lose by 23 votes?"
"Oh yes ... I remember," winced the dying old man. SUDDENLY, he shot up in his bed and exclaimed, "DAMN ... and I won by 45 votes!!"

Three guys are leaving a ball game, and while going to their parked car down an alley, spot a naked woman lying on the ground, face up.

Going over to her, they discover that she is dead. Modestly, the first fan puts his Orioles cap over her left breast, while the second fan puts his Red Sox cap over the right breast. Finally, the last fan puts his Yankees cap over her twinkie

Eventually, they find a cop to inform him. Together, they walk back to the body, and the cop examines her. Quickly he looks under the Orioles and Sox caps, then under the Yankees cap. He makes some notes, then goes back again, and again, to look under the Yankees cap.

One of the fans asks the cop what he's doing.

The cop responds, "It's been a long time since I've seen anything but an Asshole under a Yankees cap!"

10) More fun to complain about them to your friends.

9) Guys who actually like you just aren't challenging or exciting.

8) When you do date nice guys, they turn into jerks anyway, so why not save time and go for the jerk in the first place?

7) You won't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll be more in control.

6) All the other women want them, so they must be worth having.

5) Affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesn't normally give it.

4) Guaranteed to cheat on you so someone else can endure his lack of lovemaking skills most of the time.

3) No need to feel guilty for abusing or deceiving them.

2) Jerks will actually tell you when they don't like what you're doing instead of getting mad about it six months later.

1) Looking for someone you can't trust, and won't care about too much, who will abuse you mentally and financially, but you don't know any lawyers.

This article has been attributed to a number of different sources, mostly tabloid magazines, but apparently the real author is concealing his identity. Probably for fear of alien retaliation.

Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They listed 10 signs to watch for:

Odd or mismatched clothes. "Often space aliens don't fully understand the different styles, so they wear combinations that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," noted Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author.

Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might eat French fries with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of pills, the experts say.

Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.

Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra time off to "rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton, a theoretical biologist and futurist.

Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. "Aliens are constantly gathering information," said Steiger.

Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.

Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that seem stupid, Easton said. "For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on the Fourth of July," noted Steiger.

Secretive about personal lifestyle and home. "An alien won't discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends," said Steiger.

Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to speaking as we do, so it may practice speaking," Steiger noted.

Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.

The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.

You know you're in Miami if.....

The police shoot you for pointing a "walkman radio" at anybody.

The police shoot you 27 times for putting your hand in a sock and waving it at everybody.

The police draw their weapons and shoot someone with a red dot laser pointing device, (even if it's not mounted atop a gun).

The police shoot you for pointing a water-pistol at them.

The police rear-end your car and give YOU a ticket for going too slow.

You rent a car and the first toll you pay is to the thief waiting around the corner.

You rent a car, ask someone for directions, then get mugged.

You rent a car, get on the expressway and get shot for passing somebody.

You exit the expressway downtown and someone forces you to pay them for cleaning your clean windshield.

You check into a Hotel, call room service and have someone answer, JU ESPEEK ESPANIS?

You ask someone for directions and they reply, "parlez vous frances" in spanish.

You go downtown and buy a great camera for $99, then discover that you must pay at least another $1,000 for the rest of it.

You pay the extra $1,000 then get home and find a little sticker on the underside that reads "refurbished".

You hail a cab and ask to be taken to an American restaurant and the driver just stares at you.

You sail away on a starlight cruise and it rains all night.

A ravishingly gorgeous blonde girl boards a plane at Kennedy Int'l Airport and proceeds to sit in the first class section, upon having her ticket checked by a flight attendant, she's told that she's in the wrong section and must therefore relinquish her seat to someone else, to which she replies "I'm blonde & beautiful and going to Miami", a few moments later the plane's co-pilot attempts to persuade her to move, to which she replies "I'm blonde & beautiful and going to Miami".
After a few more unsuccessful attempts by other members of the crew, they finally decide to call their Captain and inform him of the situation.
The Captain then walks over to the blonde girl and whispers something in her ear and to everyone's amazement the girl gets up, goes to the coach section & takes a seat, the crew, still recovering from the experience, ask their Captain why she got up so quickly, to which he replied, "I told her that this section of the plane doesn't fly to Miami".

Earlier in the century, American scientists conducted a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost in excess of $180,000. The result concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the MAN with more pleasure during sex.

Some what later the Germans decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the U.S. study was flawed. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the WOMAN with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German study was released, Poland decided to conduct a study of their own. The Poles didn't really trust the U.S.or the German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost right around $75.00, the Polish study was completed. The Polish study concluded that the reason for the head of a man's penis being larger than the shaft was to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter ?" asked the Kentuckian.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said one Kentuckian.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.

The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the other Kentuckian asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the Kentuckian.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first Kentuckian said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week."

Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Q: What does an accountant use for birth control?
A: His/her personality.

Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Q: What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
A: Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Q: What's the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humour.

Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.

Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.

Q: What's an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead of his/her own.

Q: There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
A: Those who can count and those who can't.

Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.

My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it's flat on it's back.

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something?" "No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?" The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."

A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love.

"How awful !" exclaimed the wife.

"Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the husband.