KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Two men are standing on top of a cliff. One has a budgie on his shoulder, the other has a parrot. The first man jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the budgie flies off and the man continues to fall until he hits the ground in a crumpled heap.
The second man then jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the parrot flies off but the man quickly pulls out a gun and shoots it dead. The man then lands in a similar heap beside his friend. The first man looks up and says "Jeez, that budgie jumping isn't any fun". To which the second man replies "I can't recommend the free-fall parrot-shooting either".

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action".

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!"

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, andwere stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!"

Seems the kid was a pathological liar. The father had a long talk, ended up telling the kid about Geo Washington and the cherry tree and the praise George got for telling the truth.

Along comes Halloween, and the kid does all the usual pranks. The next morning the father confronts the kid about the overturned outhouse. "Did you overturn the outhouse?" asked the old man. "Father", says the kid, "I cannot tell a lie, I did it!"
Well dad beats the kid up really big time. "But dad," wails the kid, "You said when George Washington told the truth he got praised, but I get a beating, why is that?"
"Hey, Junior, George Washington's dad wasn't in the cherry tree!!"

Jim and Max decided to try a Bungee Jump off of a bridge on the Via Anchieta Highway to see if they could make some money. After they got it set up, some people gathered around, but no one was buying tickets.

Jim said, "Maybe you should demonstrate it, so they get the idea." After Max was strapped in, he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came back up the next time, Jim saw that his clothes were torn.

Max went down again and this time when he came back up, he was bleeding. Jim thought, "What the hell's going on here ?"

Max went down another time, but this time when he sprang back up, Jim saw that Max had contusions and cuts all over his body.

Jim pulled Max safely in and asked, "What happened mate ?"

Max moaned, "I don't know. What the hell's a Pinata anyway ???"

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party." The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes." The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief). The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive." The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm." Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?" Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion." Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? " "The girls never showed up!"

Years ago while lying in my hammock and having a sip of JD I noticed my cat dragging a dead rabbit.

For years I watched my neighbors daughter come home from school and head straight out to their rabbits' cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for my cat, I had to think fast.

The dead rabbit was filthy, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes". Back to the hammock and JD.

Within the hour the neighbor's Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this

time she stopped about six feet away and screamed

"DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!" Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am, I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's rabbit and put it back in its cage."

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.

"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" he asked.

"No, thanks," replied one of the vultures. "They're carrion."

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"