KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

It had been quite a few weeks since a farmer had seen his neighbor, and when he did, he said, "Miss Musgrove, you seem to be getting a little bit stouter."

"You old fool." she replied, "Don't you know you musn't ever tell a woman she is getting fat ?"

"Oh." the farmer replied contritely, "I didn't think a woman your age would mind at all."

A guy goes to walk into a club, and the doorman says, "Sorry, but you have to have a tie. Any kind of tie. Necktie, bolo tie, whatever."
The guy goes back out to his car, and all he has is a pair of jumper cables. He ties them in a bow around his neck, goes back up to the door of the club, and says, "Is this okay?"
The doorman says, "Yeah, go ahead in, but don't start anything."

One time at Sunday dinner, with the entire family present, I was going on about how the "Man of the House" (namely me) is largely ignored. I asked what it was I had to do to get some attention from them all.

My three-year-old Granddaughter said, "Try crying Pop-Pop."

A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar." So the cucumber says, "yeah, you think that is bad, whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad." So the penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough?! Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, smelly room, and make me do push ups until I throw up!"

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jamestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do." Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't." Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years!!"

Airplane commuter flights in Texas fly on a regular basis, most of the time you don't need reservations, you just show up.

At a terminal in Abilene, this couple was obviously in the midst of an argument. He said, "If you hadn't taken so long, we could have caught that flight to Dallas."

She sneered, "And if you wouldn't have rushed me so much, we wouldn't have to wait so long for the next one."

A priest was saying Mass one day and suddenly felt a tug on his vestments. He turned around and saw Dopey (of the Seven Dwarfs) standing beside him. "Father," he asked, "are there any midget nuns in the parish?" "No, my son," the priest replied and went back to saying Mass. He felt another tug at his vestments and turned to see Dopey still there. "Well, Father, are there any midget nuns in the town?" "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the town. Go back to your seat." The priest turned and resumed saying Mass, when he felt yet another tug at his vestments. Somewhat annoyed, he turned and found Dopey still standing beside him, a look of concern on his face. "Father, are there any midget nuns in the country?" Incensed by the dwarf's persistent questions the priest shouted angrily, "For the last time, there are no midget nuns in the parish, in the town, in the country or in the entire universe! Now go back to your seat!" Dejected, Dopey walked down the steps of the altar and down the long aisle, and as he approached the back of the church the priest heard little voices in the back singing "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin...."

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."

"Just in case you think the FBI is not on the job, I have received a true intercept (and this is not made up...it is not Saturday Night Live) that the FBI made of itself while conducting an investigation in San Diego. It was sent to me by a friend of mine who used to be with counterintelligence in Washington. It is called "The FBI Pizza Call." FBI agents conducted a raid of a San Diego psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping the hospital."
Agent: "Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda."
Pizza Man: "And where would you like them delivered?"
Agent: "We're over at the psychiatric hospital."
Pizza Man: "To the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's right. I'm an FBI agent."
Pizza Man: "You're an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's correct. Just about everybody here is."
Pizza Man: "And you're at the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors.
We have them locked. You will have to go around the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas."
Pizza Man: "And you say you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. How soon can you have them here?"
Pizza Man: "And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's right. We've been here all day, and we're starving."
Pizza Man: "How are you going to pay for all of this?"
Agent: "I have my checkbook right here."
Pizza Man: "And you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked."
Pizza Man: "I don't think so."

A police officer saw a man carrying a pig down the street. "Take that pig to the zoo," he told him.
The next day, he saw the same man carrying a pig down the same street.
"Didn't I tell you to take that pig to the zoo," the officer asked.
"Oh yes sir," the man said, "and we had such a good time there that today we are going to the circus."