KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance, the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting, the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"

A guy is walking down the beach in LA when he trips over a bottle that's washed up on the shore. He opens the bottle, and (you guessed it) a puff of smoke appears, followed by a genie.

The genie says "For freeing me from the bottle, I grant you one wish."

The guy thinks for awhile, and then pulls a map of the world out of his back pocket. He unfolds a map, points to the middle east, and says "I'd like you to make lasting peace in this region."

The genie says "There has been fighting there for too long. What you ask of me is not possible. You must make a different wish."

So the guy thinks for awhile longer, then snaps his fingers and says "Could you get the news media to forget about O. J. Simpson and just move on to something else?"

The genie frowns, thinks for awhile, then says "lemme see that map again, son."

One day this fellow finds a lamp in the garbage. He rubs the lamp and a genie appears. The genie says, "I will grant you three wishes, but there is one condition: your mother-in-law will receive double whatever you get."

The man thinks about it for a minute and asks for a new sportscar. The genie grants his wish and tells him his mother-in-law now has two new cars.

For his second wish he asks for $10 million dollars in his bank account. The genie grants his wish, and reminds the man that his mother-in-law now has $20 million dollars in her bank account.

The man thinks about his third wish for a few moments, and then smiles and asks the genie to beat him half to death.

When Ma & Pa first arrived on the homestead, Pa installed a bell on the front porch and told Ma, "If trouble comes while I'm out in the field a plowin', then you just ring that bell and I'll come a running."

The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home. When he arrives Ma says "Them boys are givin' me a hard time about doin' the chores and little Sammy done stuck the butter knife in the molassas without lickin' the blade clean first." Pa says, "You mean I just run all the way in from the fields for this. Next time it had better be important."

The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home again. When he arrives, his wife is in tears standing over a broke clothes line. "Pa," she says "some jackass came ridin' through here on a mule and ran right through the clothes line and rurnt the washin'." At first Pa was trying to figure out what was ridin' what, but then he yells, "I told you not to ring that bell unless something bad was goin' on. If this happens again, I'm goin' to whap you with a board."

The next day Pa hears the bell again and, grabbin' up a board, heads for home. When he arrives Ma is clinging to the porch rail with a spear in her back, the house behind her is in flames and the chickens are laying dead in the front yard, shot full of arrows.

Pa looks at Ma and says, "Now that's more like it."

It's 1860. The decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a true story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.

The place was Deadman, Kansas in the Sawdust saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust saloon and to his surprise he saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"

Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."

The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two pearl handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important son is, can you shoot?"

The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and, without aiming, shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.

Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?" Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson.

Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do much better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you."

"What's that?" the boy asked. "Well," Masterson said, "I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard."

Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that.

Masterson put his cards down for the second time, leaned back in his chair and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and stick them right up your ass!"

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole.

All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.

Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."

A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.

Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.

"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the morning!"

One day this man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at the top of his lungs, "Seventeen!! Seventeen!!"

Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and asks why he is doing that. The first man responded, "It's a blast. You have to try it. Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!!' as loud as humanly possible. You get such a rush. Try it."

Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly.

The first one says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher. Yell louder."

So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking louder than normal. Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a rush. Seventeen!! Seventeen!!"

The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. The first man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the manhole cover out from under the second, causing him to fall down the manhole.

The first man replaced the cover and, once again, began jumping and screaming, "Eighteen!! Eighteen!!"

After the fire truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose, the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."

The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it.

Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So, the next Sunday, the priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous and took a drink, and then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass he found the following note taped to his door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his disciples as "The late J.C. and the Boys."
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the big "T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat me".
12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as "The Mary with the Cherry."
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
15) I think the idea of a drive-up is good, but the sign "toot and tell or go to hell" needs to be reworded.