KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

- And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.
- Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
- That uniform makes your butt look really big.
- Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
- Bad Cop! No Donut!
- Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?
- Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
- Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?
- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
- Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand...
- When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.
- I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
- Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
- I pay your salary!
- Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I'm not speaking to you.
- Gee, thanks officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
- Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
- So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
- Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down; I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.
- Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
- Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

A truck driver stopped at a road side diner for lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down the apple pie.

The truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left. When he was gone, one of the motorcyclists said, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied. "He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me", she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right", she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea", the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her five-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe under his arm. He throws the giraffe on the floor and goes up to the bar and gets a beer. The bartender tells him "Hey you can't just leave that lyin there." the guy says "Oh , thats not a lion , it's a giraffe."

The evangelist was giving one of his fire and brimstone sermons against all the evils, sins and temptations of the world, covering everything from murder to gambling. One middle-aged woman sat in the pew swaying and rocking, and frequently punctuating the evangelist's words with a loud "Amen, Brother, Amen !"

Spurred on by her encouragements, he began to exhort the evils of alcohol and drugs. The lady even began humming in-between the chorus of her "Amen's".

"And now," shouted the sweating evangelist, "I come to the worse sin of all. Those of you who have fallen into the temptations of the flesh. Yes, Brothers and Sisters, I'm talkin' 'bout SEX now. You, most of all will have to forego your loose morals and mend your ways !"

The woman stopped her swaying, and with an angry look on her face said, "Now the old fool's taken to meddlin' instead of just preachin'."

three blonde's go into a bar and sit at a table. They seem very excited about something. They ask the waiter to bring them 3 shots. When the waiter returns the blonde's raise the shot glasses in the air and in a party tone yell "55" and then down the shots allthe time looking at each other in a proud way. This goes on for 6 rounds so on the seventh round the waiter has to ask the meaning of the 55. One blonde stands up and tell's the waiter the reason for there celibration. "We just put a jigsaw puzzle together that on the front of the box it said 3 to 4 years and we did it in 55 day's"

A waiter, at the end of taking lunch orders from a party of three men, asks, "...and to drink?"

"Water," says the first patron.

"Water for me, too," says the second.

"I'll have water, also," says the third, "and make sure my glass is clean!"

The waiter comes back with three glasses of water on a tray and asks, "Which one wanted the clean glass?"

A lady is giving a party for her grand daughter, and has gone all out.....caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time, but the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing"

Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!"

The man agreed to try it. Once home, he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over the piles of dirty dishes that appear to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the dishes are washed, dried and put away. The man was very pleased.

He told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. The man was so thrilled with this he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede. Off it went.

15 minutes later the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. After 45 minutes, the man was sick of waiting so he decided to go looking for the centipede.

As he opened the front door, there on the step sat the centipede. "Hey, what are you still doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago, and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"

"Hold on a goddamned minute!" exclamed the centipede. "I'm still putting on my fucking boots!!!"